Horribly upset over lack of engagement after 5 years of dating

posted 5 months ago in Engagement
  • poll: Should I break up with him?
    Yes : (147 votes)
    97 %
    No : (5 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 61
    3586 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

    elisef :  What do you really love about this man? It sounds like he really doesnt treat you well, takes advantage of you, plays mind games and gaslights you. What about this person is so appealing? I felt the same way when I left my ex-h. I loved him! But looking back, he was so incredibly controlling and manipulative. As I think back on some of our arguments, I just shake my head thinking “how did I fall for that crap over & over”. Hindsight is 20/20. While you may have some lovely memories with this guy, he treats you like garbage and you are NOT garbage. 

    Post # 62
    7906 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    elisef :  I know exactly how you feel – I’ve been there. You can do this on your own time – you don’t have to break up cold turkey today. I mean that’s probably what you should do, but I know it’s a lot easier said than done. You know in your heart that this relationship is bad for you, and that’s a huge step in moving forward, just having that gut feeling that it’s not going to work out.

    When I was going through this with my ex, my familiy was so frustrated with me for dragging out the breakup process, but it was just something I had to do on my own time. It took me a full year from when I fully admitted to myself the relationship wasn’t going to work, until I finally cut him out of my life for good. 

    In the meantime, I moved to a new city, got a new job, and took up a new hobby (book blogging and creative writing). I was still in touch with my ex throughout that period and we were vaguely “working at it” – but I knew it was over…I just wasn’t ready to irrevocably sever ties yet. 

    If you’re not ready to break up today, I recommend that you at least try to shift your focus away from your relationship and squarely onto yourself. Be selfish. Dive into a hobby, start a new workout regimen – whtever it is, find something productive to do for YOU and throw yourself into it. I promise, you’ll get to a point where you won/t feel love for your ex anymore and you’ll be fully ready to move on. <3

    Post # 63
    93 posts
    Worker bee

    I’m not sure if I’m allowed to recommend books on this site but “Why Men Marry Bitches” (overlook the title) is an eye opener.

    Post # 64
    3532 posts
    Sugar bee

    elisef :  No, you don’t love him. You love the vision of him that you have created in your mind, which is based on things you hope will happen. The real man is a loser and you need to get the hell out of there now before you waste any more of your precious time. 

    You’re afraid of the wrong things. You shoukd be afraid of staying in a stagnant relationship and throwing away your fertility. You should be excited and happy to strike out on your own without someone dangling the prospect of marriage like a carrot before a horse. 

    Post # 65
    2632 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    elisef :  pull the bandaid off. Don’t depart slowly,  you’ll only be mad at yourself that you wasted even more time on him. What he is doing to you is *not* love, it’s emotional abuse. Be brave, stay with your dad or other family and friends beginning today if possible. I think once you’re out of the situation you will have a better/clearer perspective.  I’m sorry.

    Post # 66
    1887 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    elisef :  Here’s your problem right here. You believe, “Our goal has always been to get married and have children.” The truth is actually, “MY goal has always been to get married and have children.”

    You want different things. You want marriage and he doesn’t. Either stay with him and forego marriage, or leave and try to find someone who wants what you want, not just in false promises/words, but in truth and action. 

    Post # 67
    877 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    elisef :  

    You are going to come out so much stronger and you will find someone who is the right fit for you and wants all the same things as you do on the same timeline.

    It will be hard at first, so I would focus on logistics and taking little steps – that will help keep your mind busy. Open up to your friends and family if you feel you are able to, so they can help support you too.

    You will get through this! We are all rooting for you here!

    Post # 68
    336 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

    elisef :  sweet bee, these are withdrawal feelings. our minds create “bond drugs” that are pretty much as strong as opium, when we bond to someone and spend a lot of our lives with them. 
    The withdrawal symptoms are STRONG – they’ll feel like feelings of panic, abandonment, helplessness, and maybe even sick feeling in the body. 

    this is why some people will even stay with someone very abusive- the other person who is withholding love, then giving little glimpses of kindness at times, becomes like a drug dealer to the one who cant’ break away. 

    Be strong, bee. come here and write for support if you need, but only you can take the first step away, then the next one. 

    Remember it’s brain-chemicals, and that in time those things will fade if you are strong, and you focus on YOU. take care of yourself, bubble baths, massages, do things you love, feed yourself with gazing at beauty- whatever it is that nurtures YOU, 

    and journal the things that were not good in this man’s treatment of you. 

    you have a child or children to fight for – your future children, and your future marriage. 

    Hold on to that. 

    what I did to escape an abusive relationship was this: I sat on my meditation cushion, and I just focused on feeling what it would feel like when I was with my love, the future man who would care for me and protect me- and honor me by treating me with kindness. 

    when the good feelings of that finally flooded my body, I would just breathe in it for a while. (of course my abusive ex grew suspcious because i was happy! yikes.)

    give yourself this, or anything that helps. Some women write love letters to themselves.

    you can walk away, and one day you’ll be so thankful you were brave. 

    Post # 69
    4417 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    elisef :  Im so scared you all. I really am so scared. I have to walk through this fear I am having. I really love him

    OP, I get the fear but you don’t love him because the man you love doesn’t exist or align with the real him. You love a dream. The real guy manipulates and gaslights you and pulls all the strings to make you do as he wants. A really genuine and sweet, loving man would not do that to you and treat you this way.

    I know it’s hard now but in a years time you will see and feel everything with clarity, away from him. Honestly genuine nice guys who don’t play with your feelings do exist. Leave this guy and go find a nan who will be joyful and excited to marry you and spend the next 50 years in your company. You are worthy of  more than what this man is giving you. Don’t be afraid to go find what you are worthy of! 

    Post # 70
    3001 posts
    Sugar bee

    elisef :  its fine to be scared. In fact, it’s normal to be scared. No one likes change and no one likes to make these hard decisions. But … are you also scared of how your future will look if you stay?

    It must be a really hard decision with kids. I cant imagine, but here are a few things that stood out to me

    – Throwing the engagement in your face is awful. It is def. manipulating and the sad part is that even when the situation changes, the threats will not. If you guys marry, his attitude is still the same and he will threaten divorce when you fight. 

    – Are you suuurre he is actually going to therapy? You said he was really protective of his therapist – maybe thats normal? idk but it could easily be one way to pacify you by saying he is working on his commitment issues. Also, did you ask him what his therapist has to say about him hanging the engagement over your head?

    – What commitment issues does he have exactly? Is living together and having a child not commitment? Get out of here, you are a grown man with a family. 

    I am glad you let your family know what is going on and have started making plans. Hugs to you. 

    Post # 71
    844 posts
    Busy bee

    The Bees and your dad all agree— this guy is stringing you along. He treats you poorly *while* stringing you along. You can do so much better. 

    Free yourself from this vicious cycle. It’s not an easy thing, but it’s the right thing. It may be scary now, and it may hurt a lot, but pulling off the bandaid always does. Then you realize you’re healing.

    Hugs, Bee. One step forward at a time. You’ll be just fine. 

    Post # 72
    790 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: City, State


    Here’s the thing.  “Men” aren’t  lying abusive assholes who refuse to get married.  That’s a lie perpetrated by lying, abusive assholes and the women who enable them.  If a man doesn’t want to marry you, the kindest thing you can do for him and for yourself is to leave you BOTH free to find the partnership you want. 

    He isn’t going to be happy feeling like a hostage and a jerk.  You won’t be happy trying to prove your worth to the person who should think you’re the most valuable human on the planet. 

    Choose yourself today.  After spending years in a relationship that sounds heartbreakingly like yours, I left my own lying abusive asshole in my 30s.  I met a wonderful man 6 months later.  Life gets much better when you’re convinced of your own value.

    Post # 73
    3093 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    elisef :  I’m really happy to read this update! You did the right thing by talking with your Dad about this. Not only did it help to get the perspective of someone who both loves you and knows your relationship, but having opened up to him with the truth about what’s been going on behind closed doors will serve to hold you accountable for the choice you have made.

    I’m sure you are a strong and intelligent person, but leaving a relationship is hard.. there are brain chemicals at work plus a partner who will probably pull all the stops to change your mind.. it’s easy to get sucked back in. Hopefully, having your Dad in your corner will help you keep your resolve and, if it does falter, he’ll be there to give your head a shake. 

    All the Bees are rooting for you. I am wishing you the best of luck in getting your exit plan together and taking those first steps. Don’t worry too much right now about the long term plan – all you need right now is a place to live for a few months and a decision on how you will conduct the break up.

    The only thing I will ask right now is that you base your decision on what is best for YOU, not what you think is fair to him. He hasn’t treated you fairly for years so he isn’t owed any courtesy on your behalf. If you think it will be easier and healthier for you to leave quietly while he is out at work, do that and leave a note explaining the what and how. If you think a conversation is what you need as some kind of closure or to get your feelings out, do that. But be cautious and don’t let him try to change your mind. 

    Post # 74
    128 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    The hardest part is finding a place to go, packing and walking out the door.  It was gut wrenching for me… but literally the minute I was in my new place I was overjoyed to be done.  Sitting in a dead end relationship where your feelings are ignored is awful, way worse than being alone.  In order to leave my ex I had to tap into some crazy deep source of inner strength and just keep my eyes on the prize… getting away from him and his bullshit.  Once you walk, block him and start your new chapter.  Then sign back on here in 6 months and update everyone on how glad you are you did it. wink

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