- 8 years ago
- Wedding: April 2014
He said he doesn’t want to marry you. What else do you need to hear?
He said he doesn’t want to marry you. What else do you need to hear?
@veryberry13: Yes we do live together and this woman is someone who has had a pull on him for a while, as in hanging out with my parents and he would be like ‘i need to go do this for her’ or even needing to be the first to arrive to her party to help set up I suppose that is where this insecurity comes from. She did introduce us so I suppose that is why he feels like he can hang out with her whenever he wants and it is okay, but oh well. The more I am reading, and the more research I am doing, its just starting to feel like I’m in a one sided relationship and now I’m really freaking out.
@veryberry13: he’s making you insecure! This is his issue, if you had a respectful partner you wouldn’t feel like that. And what’s one girl doing hanging out with a bunch of guys?! I have male friends but she does sound like someone i’d be insecure about aswelll!
I sometimes feel insecure and I know alot of my friends do too. I go through phases. If this is a once off on your partners side. I would play it cool for a week or so with him. do your own thing and be busy. If that was my SO I wouldn’t be the one apologising that’s for sure and he’d be getting the silent treatment for a long time!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wait a week or so and then ask him if he really meant what he said. Ppl can say horrible things in the heat of the moment. And couples do go through rough patches too.
Should I back down and pretend like nothing bothers me?
@veryberry13: Nope. You shouldn’t have to fake your feelings just to be with the person you want to marry. If your feelings aren’t important enough for him to take into consideration, he’s not worth marrying.
I had this issue with my partner when we first started dating. He had a few friends who were girls (most which I loved hanging out wit- or I didn’t/don’t mind him hanging out alone with) except this one girl. She would call all the time, asking him to do things for her all the time, (and at the most inappropriate times). Once, she called a few mintues after sex, and him jumped out of bed to answer her call. (doesn’t make me feel desirable) She also turned up on my birthday (I had brought a new dress, and had my hair done)- my partner had dinner/movies plans for the evening for us. But because he spent about 1 hour chating to her, we missed our dinner reservations.
It was at this point (while I was sitting up in my bedroom waiting for him to send her home), that I realised that I needed to chat to him. I asked him who he was dating- and set up boundaries. I told him that I wasn’t going to buy a new dress just to sit around the house on my birthday to eat pizza. (when we had made other plans).
You just need to chat, and determine what you both want out of the relationship.
It sounds like he’s almost trying to “threaten” you by saying he doesn’t want to marry you so you’ll “smarten up”. I was with my ex for 3.5 years and he spoke to me like that. I took it back then but now that I look back, it was completely and utterly disrespectful, not to mention condescending.
I obviously don’t know the ins and outs of your entire relationship but I think that if you ever want to marry him, he needs to start treating you with more respect.
OP – You say you are in your late 20s. If marriage and having a family is important to you, please don’t waste any more of your time with him. You won’t get what you want if you stay – thank your SO for being honest with you and move on.
It sounds like you two aren’t just on different pages, you’re reading from different books! I think a serious conversation is needed, but if I had to guess, I’d say that he probably meant that certain relationship problems need to be solved before he will consider marriage. I don’t know you or your relationship, but I really don’t see what’s wrong with him hanging out with friends and why you not only sat at home waiting for him but also blamed him for your decision to do that. I can understand being mad about that girl, but the rest comes off as clingy and codependent. Bottom line is that if won’t marry you unless things change and you don’t want to change those things, you two are not compatible. It doesn’t mean either of you is right or wrong, just that you’re not right for each other
This sounds like something my esaw old say.
We dated 4 years and he would always say things like that even though he knew I wanted to marry him. My ex was emotionally stunted from a lot of things that happened in his child around his parents’ divorce. I don’t think he would have ever been capable of loving me the way I needed to be loved.
By the way, my Wollaston a photographer and I knew he’d be “working” with models I didn’t like when I wouldn’t hear from him all day.
I dumped him and found someone who respects me and loves me unconditionally and would never DREAM of doing that. They are out there. 🙂
I actually don’t think what happened is a very big deal. Not to belittle your story or anything, but this sounds like a situation that can be resolved with a good talk and better communication in the future.
You need to discuss:
1. Time with friends. You are both entitled to some seperate time with your friends and to be able to enjoy it without worrying that your SO is sitting at home getting resentful or jealous. Next time he goes out, do something you enjoy instead of waiting around the house for texts from him. If you do get married you will be together for the rest of your lives and don’t need to be in constant communication.
2. Who is the girl and is she really a threat? Personally, I would not worry if he only hangs out with her in a group with other people. Only worry if he texts her all the time and they meet up alone etc. Be clear with him about how you feel about her and why and set some boundaries that you are both happy with. You are going to have to trust him eventually though, and it can be quite hurtful to have someone be so suspicious of you. If the issue is on your side, I would suggest addressing the reasons for your insecurities and working on being more self confident. The best way to keep him from being interested in other women is to feel good about yourself. If you are confident and happy it will radiate from you.
3. You need to discuss marriage seriously and get an accurate idea of what he really feels about it. Express how important it is to you and explain how his comment was hurtful. Try to approach this with minimum amount of pressure as possible. You do need to know where you stand in the longterm so you can decide what to do about the relationship.
Try to approach the whole talk in a calm and reasonable way without getting too emotional if possible. That way you can steer away from an argument and hopefully both come out of it feeling good.
@veryberry13: you knew he was out with his friends, why does he need to ‘check in’ with you. you should have made your own plans. have you heard of “he time, she time, we time”?
i have a feeling there’s more background to the story. has this happened in the past? there’s a reason he said that. it wasn’t very nice but i think he’s trying to make a point.
just remember, men like to marry confident, self-assured women.
Agree with the other Bees…
He sounds very disrespectful to you… more so if you and him live together, and he never bothered to call you all frickin day. RUDE
(Mr TTR … and I… for example, would never leave the house without a general idea of what was going to go on… “I’m off to golf with the guys, we’ll probably go out for a beer after, so I should be back by 4”. If anything changes, he’d call me. NEVER would I be sitting around all alone wondering WHERE he was / up to… or when he’d be back. I’d know… he’d be courteous enough to tell me, so I could make other plans for myself, knowing that we’d reconnect at a particular time)
PLUS the whole bit about his focussing time and and efforts on another woman (going to help her / arriving at the party early to set up etc)
If you are not present… then that wouldn’t fly with me at all.
I honestly think you both have issues…
The other Bees have laid out the MANY that he seems to have, quite well.
Yours seem to be “hanging too much of yourself” on this relationship which isn’t considerate of your VALID Feelings.
Just because a couple has been together a certain amount of time, or a particular age… or living together
Doesn’t necessarily mean that the the relationship SHOULD lead to marriage
Your guy is immature… and doesn’t appreciate you for the AMAZING Woman that you are.
He doesn’t know what he has… he obviously takes you for granted… Sweetie, you should cut your losses and go.
If your intention is to have a Marriage, Kids etc with someone in your 30s, I don’t think this is your man
And even if he is… he is far from the best choice
(He treats you like this NOW…when things should be all roses & lovey dovey… trust me when I say, it WILL BE WORSE after he marries you)
This isn’t how a GOOD Long Term Committed Relationship / Marriage should look.
Go out and pick up the following 2 Books … and find yourself (and him) within them… you’ll be better for it, as you’ll finally SEE what is wrong, and WHY this relationship isn’t working (not the one)
Greg Behrendt’s “He’s Just Not That Into You”
Dr Phil’s “Love Smart ~ Find The One You Want / Fix The One You Got”
(Know that Dr Phil’s has some good excerpts on-line to get you started)
As Greg says “Don’t waste your youth & the pretty on someone who doesn’t deserve it”… and Phil says “You are a Unique Woman, a Goddess in your own right so act like one… IF you don’t LOVE and appreciate yourself, you can be sure no one else will… what you put out in the world, will echo back to you”
UP YOUR GAME… and they’ll up their’s
(be that the man you have now, or the realization that he isn’t the one for you afterall)
Fish in the Right Pond… and you won’t be struggling to find the fish, they will be literally jumping into your boat !!
(( HUGS ))
@veryberry13: I had a less dramatic but similar situation with my SO and some ex of his that he is supposedly “just friends” with. He had suggested we go to brunch with her at one point and I had said I didn’t want to meet her. I then found out later that he took that as more like “I don’t want to hang out with her so you should sneak around and act real sketchy when you see her by yourself.” I got upset about the way it seemed like he was doing something behind my back and he was IMMEDIATELY apologetic and wanting to make me feel better. He was super upset that I was upset and said he was being a sneaky weirdo because he didn’t want me to be uncomfortable that he was hanging out with her. But I mean hello obviously it’s worse to sneak around… Anyway, long story short, I had him take me to some mutual friend’s party so I could get a look at her, and determined she is Threat Level: Neutral, so problem solved. The important thing is he was upset that I was upset and wanted to fix it. I also wanted to fix it, so that is what we did.
So basically your guy should be upset that he upset you. Even if you’re getting upset about something ridiculous that he has nothing to do with like that they are out of your ice cream flavor, he should want to make you feel better and be like “well they have Rocky Road, that’s kind of similar to Cookies & Cream” and not be all like “good. you’ve been getting fatter ever since I met you.”
If him saying something that nasty and emotionally manipulative to you is not absolutely shocking to you, if it is not completely out of character for him, and if you can see him doing that kind of thing again – get out now. Emotional abuse starts small and escalates slowly over time. Hurting your feelings is not a valid way to change the subject away from what he did wrong.
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