Hostess taking advantage? at a loss how to handle….

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 106
Member
6365 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

cherrymyst :  actually she doesn’t say that teammate was the host of said event.  Her OP fully implies that the new SO was the hostess, not him.  Now that he sees she’s going about it all wrong, he’s taking over as host so the party can go on.  Sounds perfectly alright on his part to me.

Post # 107
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

skunktastic :  

 

Why would she host an event at his house for his (I assume work) team mates? It makes no sense to me?

Post # 108
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

That update is too perfect! πŸ‘ŒπŸ»

Post # 109
Member
1588 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

cherrymyst :  You’re really creating a backstory here without much material to go on other than she sent the emails and it’s at his house. If she’s a newish Girlfriend, maybe she wanted to host to impress her Boyfriend or Best Friend but felt it would be less awkward and folks more likely to attend if it were at the home of the partner they already know and so asked to have it there. With what little info we know, my scenario is as likely as yours. So, no, I don’t think this is a lack of objectivity. Regardless of how the event came to be, she is acting like an asshat.

Post # 110
Member
11646 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

cherrymyst :  There’s no justification here. The Girlfriend said she wanted to host a nice dinner, but even if the Boyfriend or Best Friend had asked her to do it, once she agreed it doesn’t give her the right to foist off their responsibilities on unsuspecting so-called guests.

My guess is that the Girlfriend bit off more than she could chew and the  BF didn’t want any part of the actual work involved until his friends started complaining. 

Even more absurd and outrageous, the Girlfriend  assigned the whole meal to the OP so that the Girlfriend can look her best without having to cook. Then she gets offended and accuses all the other women of being “jealous.”  This is not gender discrimination, it’s just rude, self centered and unacceptable behavior. 

I would not attend. She’s outright insulted the OP and the other women involved. Let her suffer the natural social consequences of her behavior. 

Post # 111
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

weddingmaven :  

 

Oh I absolutely agree this person was out of line to ask of her guests to bring all the food!

I was trying to make a different point. Having recently read this nice article here http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_57d86570e4b09d7a688051f6 it jumped at me that many of us women accept certain stereotypes so easily and they go unchallenged.

For example – when men invite guests, most often it is the women who are expected to clean, cook and prepare. When a man and his wife are invited, the wife is the one preparing the side dish to bring. If a man doesnt want yo be stuck in the kitchen all day because he wants to play football, watch a game, whatever nobody will call him a bitch, but if a woman wants to take time for herself to mske herself looking presentable – well that is completely out if line.. eventhough when she doesnt i bet you would not hear the end of it. After all she should make an effort, right. The standars we women as a whole are being held to are just so very different even now in the 21st century.

 

P.S. And whatever she actually said to her boyfriend regarding why she tried to distribute the cooking… I would have been so upset if my boyfriend went on amd blabbered it to his team mates. I am sure he also knew in what light this would paint her. If he cares about her he could have kept this to himself. He chose not to. Yes, I agree this relationship wont go far. For more than one reason.

Post # 112
Member
2556 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

The seriously ridiculous thing about her logic is that cooking a turkey is freaking simple.  It’s not like making lasagna or something, you literally remove the plastic outside, the odd body parts inside, and stick it in a hot oven.  I bought one pre-basted one year, I don’t even know how that’s possible but that thing was delicious and I didn’t even have to salt it.  The good people at Butterball are really looking out for us lazy cooks.

Post # 113
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

sparklesalways :  This. I definitely would not be attending and I would be replying with “Wow, I was already taken back by your demands for many different dishes and the main dish…but your attitude about me bringing one dish takes the cake. I would prefer you change my rsvp to no. Thank you for the invite and wishing you well hosting.”

I wouldn’t waste my time. In the US it’s also common to bring a dish/wine (at least in my area). However, I have never had someone practically request to cater the whole thing. Very rude.

Eta: Just saw update. Yeah, I’d still be passing on the event but that’s just me and I don’t do crazy. I’d rather enjoy a dinner with my partner and respectful friends at a restaurant than watch the mess that will inevitably unfold in any event that she is attending.

Post # 114
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I don’t know…  At first I thought OP was kidding about being asked to bring turkey.  But, then the bride to be responded that she thoiught everyone was jealous?  wtf?  I really don’t think I would go to the wedding.  But, I also don’t understand…  Can the bride not afford to pay someone somewhere in Canada to bake the turkey for her?  Most people would step up  to help the bride if asked.  At the very least there must be a service she could pay then have everyone bring side dishes.

And I have another question…  Did the bride and groom decide to just buy nothing food wise?  I mean nothing?  It sounds like the groom is now making bbq which is cool.  But, will they supply anything else?  I just can’t figure out why she is asking for such a huge amount of food from people.  Then of course she expects a wedding gift right?

Post # 115
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

cherrymyst :  Nowhere does it state that it was his intention to have her host an event. It does however say she said she wanted to host a dinner specifically. Could your scenario be possible? Sure. However, it could also not be.

I don’t personally care about the teammate so I hardly see him as a knight. However, at the end of the day, she should have been honest and upfront. If her partner did request it, she should have communicated with him on it instead of trying to manipulate others. Furthermore, if she wanted it to be a joint hosting event, she should have been upfront about that as well. Last, when you realize your games won’t fly, you don’t try to create drama by falsely accusing people of being in cliques and unfair to you. 

No one else is responsible for her inability to communicate in her relationship or to guests. Even her partner can’t be held accountable if she agreed to host something for his team but couldn’t be honest to him about it. It sounds like he would have been reasonable in assisting himself since he already basically is by taking it over. 

Post # 116
Member
10651 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

MxChinca :  I don’t see any bride and groom in this story?

Post # 117
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  This is soooo out of order and such a joke!!! No don’t say sorry please please don’t SHE is out of order, rude and that reply was so nasty I can’t believe she did that when she hasn’t met you and is meant to try and bond with the women she is meeting.

For your partner I would go but avoid her and take what is reasonable – some wine or a nice side dish. I do this on family occasions tell everyone bring a dish and leave it to them to decide, sometimes they ask what mains we are doing to make sure we all have enough mains. We eat big so I did ask a Freind to make Persian chicken and rice dish as knew my husbands family would love it, I baked two whole large expensive fish, my sister brought a BBQ chicken and then everyone else made salads and sides – chicken is cheap turkey isn’t. 

She is a b❀️πŸ’₯πŸ™πŸΎπŸ˜‘ lol and I don’t think you have a new freind there! 

EDIT: just read your updates she is DEFINITELY a Class a Biatch and you have to have to go and fill us in πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ this is class! This relationship probably won’t last either lol lol.

Post # 118
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee

AB Bride :Β  That’s why the post is under “etiquette”. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‘

Post # 119
Member
11646 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

cherrymyst :  All that is true, unfortunately, but even it it was, again that’s the GF’s issue with her Boyfriend or Best Friend. But I’d react the exact same way to any man who behaved this way.

I totally agree that the Boyfriend or Best Friend threw her under the bus by repeating what she told him. That was really stupid.  It’s hard to believe he didn’t realize how that would make the Girlfriend look to all his friends. Maybe they deserve one another. 

Post # 120
Member
6900 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’d totally skip out on this event. On top of that I’d send the guy screenshots of your conversation with her and say “Sorry we’re not going to be able to make it this time, my intentions were never to hurt her feelings but I honestly though she was kidding when she asked us to bring a whole turkey, multiple side items, AND wine. I hope you guys enjoy your party!”

I’m not one to apologize when I haven’t done anything wrong….but I think sending that to the guy proves his girlfriend is a nutjob, and makes you look like the polite person.

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