(Closed) Hosting stag and Doe when parents are paying for wedding

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Were doing it because it is normal and expected in our region. There is hardly ever a great deal of money made, and it goes towards the wedding. So my parents are paying for the wedding, they will get the profits. 

And the majority of people agree with you on the bee. So this thread will mostly be bashing my regional traditions. 

Edit: In my region they are not seen as a ‘fundraiser’ but ad a gathering for friends and others in the community to celebrate and support the couple. Every weekend there are many stag and does to choose from to attend, and they’re always packed. Tickets are $5 at the door or $3 ahead of time (many people even buy tickets without the intention of attending to support the couple) and donations are made for prizes. So stag and does seem a little different in my area than yours. 

Post # 5
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@sunshinelaura2: Well in that case I guess those that want to support the couple in their decision to host a shag and doe will attend, and those that do not will not. This is probably the main reason why I don’t understand how people are offended by these events. If you don’t agree with them then don’t attend and you will not be contributing to the support. If you agree with them then attend and support the couple. Either way, however, you cannot stop a couple from hosting a shag and doe if they want to have one. (You in general, not ‘you’ OP). 

Post # 6
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@WannaBeeMrsB:  Totally agree.

It’s semi-common where I am. If you don’t want to go, then don’t. However, I wouldn’t say anything to anyone about you disagreeing with it though.

Post # 7
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@WannaBeeMrsB:  

@laceydoilies:  

Agreed!

 

Im having a stag and doe, wedding partial paid for by parents and us (50/50 split) and if people want to support they can but if they find it odd that I’md oing it there’s no preasure to come or buy a ticket. We at least have been trying to make the prizes worth it to come out (Tablet, Digital Camera, Nascar Ride Along… etc)

Post # 8
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It does seem tacky to me, both because the entry price seems quite high (compared to others I’ve been invited to), and because the money isn’t actually going to pay for the wedding. But you do have the option of not attending, which is what I would choose. 

Post # 9
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I personally, would never attend an event like this. Terribly tacky. Have the wedding you can afford, don’t ask people to donate money to it. If you want to have a Get Together with your friends and family, by all means. Hell have a potluck, or BBQ if you want.

These types of events are only acceptable if the money actually goes to a charitable cause. A Wedding is not a charity.

Post # 10
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Where do you live? I know no one who has ever had a stag and doe and it would be seen as horrifically rude. But if you’re in Canada I know they’re pretty typical. Kinda like how in the US the BMs are expected to pay for their dress and in the UK it’s expected that the bride pay for it. Etiquette quesitons can be really hard to answer without knowing the location.

Post # 11
Member
46336 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think the OP’s original question was regarding the etiquette of having a stag and doe in general. I read it as having a fund raising stag and doe when no funds need to be raised, as the parents are paying for everything.

I am sure that their friends and family are aware of their financial situation and know that, if they choose to attend, the funds will not be spent on the wedding.

Post # 12
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m having a stag & doe and it is being hosted by my bridal. My Fiance and I are paying for the majority of our wedding ourselves, and i am not having a shower because I personally don’t feel comfortable having both (i had to beg my beidal oarty to please not throw me a shower if they wanted to do a stag&doe), The money raised at the stag & doe (typically about $4000-$5000 in our circle) will all go towards the cost of the wedding. This is very normal where we live and I’ve  never been to a wedding where the couple didn’t also have a stag & doe.

I think the situation you’re describing is very tacky tho. First of all, you don’t throw your own stag & doe, just like you wouldn’t throw you’re own shower. And second, the couple isn’t paying for the wedding so what is the money raised going towards? Third, that’s very expensive for a ticket IMO. All the ones I’ve been too typically cost about $10 for 1 ticket or $15 for 2. 

Post # 13
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

As far as the etiquette of a stag & doe, it is most definetly regional. 

Its very normal and expected where I am (just outside of Toronto), but my dad who lives in New York (lived there for 20+ years) thinks its just about the most tackiest thing he’s ever heard of. He never misses an opportunity to express his disgust about the event. Apparently it’s just unheard of where he lives.

Post # 15
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@sunshinelaura2:  I understand that the way they’re going about this is pretty horrible, especially with the “pure profit in his pocket” comment since the money should be going to their parents, but really what can you do about it? You can’t stop it from happening and even of you do say something (which I dont think is a good idea) I highly doubt it will change the fact that they’re going to have this event. 

 

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