Post # 1
I’ve never done this before. How do I ask politely for the bridesmaids to chip in for the party?
Unfortunately, a major factor in my hesitation is that everyone will have to travel a significant distance (by plane for most) to both the bridal shower and the wedding, which are in separate cities on each end of the US. In addition, the bachelorette is in a THIRD city, and is on the night of the bridal shower.
To make it simpler:
Bridal shower is in City A on a Saturday morning. Almost everyone has to drive or fly, and get in Friday night and stay at hotels – the shower is Saturday morning, no bridesmaids live there.
Bachelorette party is in City B on that Saturday evening. Almost everyone has to carpool in rented cars to get from A to B and will spend 3.5 hours driving. One bridesmaid lives here, but she still has to drive to City A for the shower then turn back around to come back for the party. We are staying in a hotel again.
Wedding is two months later in City C, which is on the opposite coast of A and B so everyone will have to travel and pay for hotels again.
It’s basically a mess and I can’t imagine how frustrated some of them must feel about the travel demands, so I feel guilty asking them to chip in. But the bride and her mother have high expectations for the shower. I’ve considered asking her mother to chip in if the bridesmaids can’t, but I’m terrified of offending anyone … I just think the bride’s requests are really unreasonable and I am struggling with meeting them all but I don’t want to let her down.
It’s a brunch shower and it will be held at my relative’s house in their garden, so all I have to fund really is the food, decor, seating, and a gift. I can DIY lot. How much do you think this would cost me if I covered all the costs alone? Is that the best solution?
Post # 2
I think it’s fine for bridesmaids to pitch in for the shower. I’ve happily pitched in for every shower I’ve attended, whether I was a bridesmaid or not! But more importantly, why are the bachelorette and shower on the same day, 3.5 hours away from each other?? Why don’t you just have them in the same city? I’d be pretty annoyed if I had to travel for the shower then travel again that day for the party… Also, everyone is going to be tired by Saturday evening. Maybe you should consider changing your plans to make things more convenient for the group?
Sorry to sound negative- just my two cents.
Post # 3
Trust me, I have tried. I feel terrible for the way it pans out. I know I will be pooped by 7pm if I have to set everything up early for a brunch shower, clean up, then drive, and I expressed it to the bride. Plus it’s inconvenient for everyone.
She wants the bachelorette in City B because that’s where she went to college and sowed her wild oats, and she wants to hit up her old haunts for old times’ sake. The shower is in City A because it’s halfway between City B and her hometown, so her relatives will have to drive 2 hours already to attend the shower. I suggested everything happen in City B and her relatives just drive the extra distance so fewer people would be put out, but she has a million reasons why her relatives can’t drive but everyone else can.
This sucks and it’s a terrible plan, but it’s what she wants I guess.
Post # 4
Be honest with the bride about her unreasonable requests. Let her know they dont fit your limited budget and maybe her mother will chip in if she is really set on whatever they may be.
Maybe you can ask the other Bridesmaid or Best Man to help with food? Bring a dish each if they are able to with all the travelling.
ETA this sounds like a nightmare.
Post # 5
Yeah, that all sounds kind of nuts. The way parties work is – you offer to give the bride a shower, she accepts, then you work on the details (within your own budget) after she gives you a guest list (which you can accept or decline, if it’s too many people).
As for bachelorettes, you and the other bridesmaids can offer to throw her one, which she can accept, but then it’s up to you guys to decide what to do. You can take her wishes into consideration, but you don’t have to do any of what she’s proposing. It sounds nuts to me. So much travel for one weekend! I would be exhausted and annoyed and not in a mood to go party.
Post # 6
This sounds like a nightmare. She is expecting a LOT from you and her friends/family and other bridesmaids. If she wants 3 different cities I feel like SHE should be chipping in for the shower.
Post # 7
I don’t think the bride is really thinking this through. No way would I be in the mood to party after planning a bridal shower all day and then traveling 4 hours, in addition to having been on a plane the day before! I think it’s totally gonna backfire on her.
Sorry you’re in this situation, OP. I think you should try again to reason with her. Or at least tell her that she/her mother needs to chip in if shes not willing to budge. It’ll be an uncomfortable convo but she’s being really crazy and this isn’t fair to everyone else.
ETA: have the rest of the bridal party confirmed they’re flying in for all this?
Post # 8
This is unreasonable. It would be hard for me to get on a plane two weekends out of three for even my sister or best friend–and to have two events 3.5 hours apart within 24 hours? Insanity.
Perhaps once you poll the other BMs and they let you know they can’t or won’t deal with this travel schedule and related expenses the bride will catch on and agree to more reasonable plans.
Post # 9
The whole thing sounds crazy. I would lay out your plans to the bridesmaids (ie, shower is at a family members house, we need x,y,z) and gather the ideas and come up with a reasonable budget and get everyone to agree.
Since they are all flying in, I think it would be hard for them to make food, writing a check seems a lot easier. Brunch food can be assorted pastries, coffee/tea/juice…it doesn’t need to be a full spread of eggs/waffles/etc. I would keep it light and finger food size.
Then, I would share this plan with the MOB and if she wants more, tell her the bridesmaids budgets are stretched with all the travel.
Side note – I find is super annoying/offensive with MOB and brides have “high expectations” of a shower that is being thrown for them. They should be grateful everyone is traveling for them!
Post # 10
Wow. I’d be opting out of that wedding party ASAP. I’m not sure why some brides think it’s perfectly ok to inconvenience their friends just because they’re getting married. I have my own theory that chances of divorce rise when the bride acts this way. It shows a lack of empathy, not a good trait to bring into a marriage.
Post # 11
I’m exhausted just reading this! She sounds insane and just plain deluded with her expectations.
Find out how the other Bridesmaid or Best Man feel and if they have the same concerns then you ALL need to voice them to her and explain why it’s such a bad idea.
Fair enough that she has reasons behind why she wants to do all of this but all in the one weekend and at the sole expense of others? Nah.
Post # 12
Why don’t you go to her college town, throw her a shower/bachelorette with her friends/BMs, and then if her relatives insist on having a shower closer to where they live because they don’t want to drive more than 2 hours, they can throw her one themselves?
My family is scattered all over the continent, so they threw me a surprise shower over a holiday when we were all together anyway. It would have been too much traveling if they had to pay for flights/accommodations for the wedding AND a shower. The bridal shower my Maid/Matron of Honor planned involved my friends and DH’s family, not my own family, and this was perfectly fine with me!
I think this bride has very unrealistic expectations. You’re a very sweet and considerate friend to try to plan this around her demands, but I think it’s asking too much of you (and the guests who are traveling).
Post # 13
Wow, this one is entitled. I’m exhausted reading this schedule and I don’t understand how people are able to stop working/their lives for two weekends, both if which involve travel, but ok. You’re terribly sweet to do this, since it’s what she wants.
Do you know if the bms will come? If yes, then if you want to ask for help.. No, sorry, I can’t. I see your dilemma I mean, they’ve traveled so they can’t bring food and they already spent money and you can’t even really ask for set up help given the schedule on Saturday after they’ve flown to get there.
I would simplify this. I’d talk to the bms to see what they could do and want to do, esp if you are asking them to help. Then take pp’s suggestion to have shower in same place as bachelorette party and her family can do a family shower in their town.
she might not like that but it’s better than having no shows or drop outs because her demands are excessive.
Post # 14
Yeah, I probably wouldn’t come to this. I live on one coast and got married on the other. I had one shower on each coast, so no one had to travel. I had my bachelorette a couple days before my wedding on that coast so everyone was in the same place.
I would definitely have a chat with the other BMs. She doesn’t seem like she is considering them at all in this.
Post # 15
I agree with other posters that this schedule sounds completely exhausting and not like fun for really anyone involved… Way too much driving/travel for BM’s, friends, and family. So I like the suggestion of having two showers, one for friends in her college town, and a separate one for her family in her hometown. No, all the bridesmaids probably won’t make it to the family one (and definitely shouldn’t be expected to!). But everyone will probably be happier in the end.