Post # 1
Sorry for the crappy title. I’m not really sure how to describe this situation in short.
My Fiance has an older sister (about 6 years older). This sister has a best friend who is her same age, let’s call her F. F and my Fiance have slept together off and on since he was 17. Yes, he was not legal and in high school and this girl was out of college when they started. Across 6 years, when they were between relationships, they would meet up, get drunk and have sex (the last time being about 3 years ago). Of course, his sister knows nothing about this and would probably be very (understandably) upset.
Fiance told me about this early in our relationship and we have bumped into this girl a couple of times. I’ve been polite, but cool because honestly I think she’s kind of gross for sleeping with her best friends brother, especially when he was underaged and in a completely different place than she was in life. But I naturally haven’t said anything to his sister because, well, who would want to ruin her friendship? Plus it’s not at all my place to say something.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago and we (FI and I) are throwing a housewarming party. We invite his sister and her boyfriend, but 2 hours before the event she texts and says “hey, boyfriend can’t make it. I’m bringing F instead”). Well hive, I was…livid. Not happy because having to smile and be fake in my own home is something I never want to have to do. I let my Fiance know this, and he basically shrugs and says yeah it sucks, but I don’t know how to prevent it. So I suck it up and spend the entire housewarming being fake nice to this girl because not only is she there, she also feels the need to constantly engage me in conversation. Awesome.
So now, the dilemma. Last night Fiance gets drunk and we have an argument about this situation and how I felt like he chose putting me in an uncomfortable position so that he could avoid confrontation/discomfort. He basically ends up calling his sister and saying “Hey, I’ve got some thing to tell you” then looks at me and says “Should I tell her? Should I?,” basically putting me in the position of making a decision on whether or not he should potentially ruin his sister’s friendship with her best friend. I told him not to and convinced him to talk about it while he wasn’t drunk.
Here’s where I’m stuck. Do I go ahead and let Fiance tell his sister to avoid anymore awkward interactions? Or do I suck it up, appreciate that he was honest enough to tell me he slept with the girl (because he didn’t have to and I would rather know), but potentially end up hosting her in my house and having to deal with her socially? I’ll be honest, my worst fear is that she will somehow end up at our wedding.
Post # 3
I think you have reason to be upset. He SHOULD tell his sister or this is going to be a situation you’re in from time to time.
ETA: the whole sleeping with him when wasn’t legal is creepy.
Post # 4
Maybe I’m just a jerk, but I would let Fiance tell her. This way you can avoid more run-ins with her. What’s done in dark always comes to the light anyway.. Her friend did this and tried covering it up – She was taking a chance by doing this for such and long time & it’s only a matter of time as to when your FI’s sister finds out.
Just curious, does “F” know that you know? I’m assuming no, but figured I would ask anyway..
Post # 5
I think you are over reacting a bit. They slept together years ago and it doesn’t really seem like there were deep emotions involved. The house warming has come an gone, it’s over; so why bring this negativity into your relationship over something your SO did years ago? The reality is he did not have to tell you he slept with her. I know I don’t discuss details of who I have been with, with my SO.
Had he not told you, would you have felt awkward? Unless she is coming onto him, making inappropriate comments or gestures, or you feel some weird chemistry between them, I would let it go. He is with YOU now and that’s what matters.
Post # 6
I may be in the minority on this, but I think it’s important for your Fiance to inform his sister that he had an ongoing and intermittent relationship with her friend for many years and that the situation makes you (his future wife) uncomfortable, and, for that reason, he is asking his sister not to invite F to any future events or activities that you are hosting. (Obviously, it would be unfair of him to ask his sister not to invite F to other types of events that she, herself, may host.) I don’t think he needs to (or should) provide any specific details regarding his prior relationship with F, but I think the sister needs to know the nature of the relationship (i.e. that it was not platonic.)
Post # 7
@bellarossa: akwaaaard! The sister will be upset most def! BUT this is the rest of your life, your kids bday parties etc… Let him tell her. The sister will always be in your life and that means this friend may always be there. It isn’t just housewarming and wedding, it is the rest of your life.
Post # 8
It really is creepy. I think that is the part that bothers me the most.
I’m really not sure, but I will say that I’m awful at being fake. So my guess is she suspects I know, just based on how I’ve interacted with her. Not proud of it, but it is what it is.
Yes, I can see your point. It is in the past, but it still makes me uncomfortable. But to your point, he was honest with me and I’m worried his takeaway will be “don’t be honest with bellarossa about some things” if I ask him to tell his sister. He even said that lots of his friends hang out around girls they slept with, but they don’t have a problem because they never tell their current girlfriends :-/
It is a good point that he wouldn’t need to be specific about when or how it happened.
Post # 9
I agree with that. It was a criminal act. That may be the one specific detail that I *would* encourage the OP’s Fiance to share — the fact that this relationship began when he was underage and F was in her 20s.
Post # 10
This is a good point. It is something I’d have to deal with for a long time. I have thought about maybe just waiting until the next time we’re in an awkward position to bring it up, but that might just be prolonging the inevitable…
Post # 11
@bellarossa: why can’t there be an option c where he contacts the girl and says ‘hey it’s not really appropriate for you to be coming to housewarmings etc – you know why. i’m not going to say anything to my sister, but you need to decline invitations like that in the future.’
Post # 12
I think your FI’s sister has a right to know. A matter that concerns the relationship between a best friend and a brother is important in both familial ways and in terms of a close friendship. I do think that perhaps your Fiance should tell his sister in the nicest way possible, without putting any pressure on F. F can then explain herself. There is no need to bring age into this – what happened in the past happened. Yes, he was only 17, but he’s not anymore, so there is no use dwelling on that fact when he wasn’t hurt in any way over this.
I don’t think you should be holding a grudge against this woman for something that happened years ago and has absolutely zero affect on you. She appears to be being nice to you at events where you two are stuck together, and that’s something that you should be reciprocating. I don’t understand why there are any ill feelings between the two of you. It’s not like she’s trying to come between you and Fiance – she’s simply being friendly and engaging. Personally, I believe that you are taking things overboard and need to get over the fact that your Fiance has a past that didn’t include you. You are his present and future, so why should it matter that before he met you, he had a f*** buddy? Loads of people do. Time to move on.
Post # 13
That is a good point, not sure why I didn’t think about that. I had kind of hoped that she
would feel awkward and not accept those kinds of invites but obviously that’s not the case…
I don’t think she’s being genuinely nice. We aren’t “stuck together” socially; she made a choice to come to a housewarming that we were throwing, so she obviously knew I would be there and still chose to come. It would not have killed her to decline; I know I wouldn’t be comfortable accepting that invitation, but I also wouldn’t be comfortable sleeping with a 17 year old when I was in my 20’s.
Post # 14
Personally, I doubt I would find thid too big of a deal. It was years ago. It wasn’t emotional. Yes, he was technically underage, but he was 17. He was going to be legal in a matter of months. I dated a couple college guys while I was in high school and I didn’t think it was creepy.
However, this is clearly a big deal to you. It’s well within your rights to not want whomever you choose at your house or wedding. I would leave it to your fiance to decide how to acomplish that. Tell him you don’t want to have to deal with her so he needs to make sure she doesn’t come to social things at your house and that might mean that he needs to tell his sister. I’m not convinced the sister would be hugely upset. I probably wouldn’t if it was my brother. Certainly wouldn’t ditch my best friend. So long as it was consentual (and thinking of my brother at 17 – yeah, it would have been consentual) it doesn’t really bother me.
Regardless. It’s your fiance’s issue – I’d make him deal with it. Tell him what you need (to rnot have this girl at your house/wedding) and that he needs to make that happen. That way you don’t have to deal with seeing her socially or decide how to handle it with his sister.
Post # 15
I would let your fiance tell his sister about what is going on. The friend was in the wrong in the first place and you should not have to continue to be put in uncomfortable situations because you all are covering for her.
I have been/am in a similar situation, but I can’t say anything and it sucks. My husband slept with a family friend (his parent’s friend’s daughter) several years ago. We see her maybe once every year or so if we go to see his parent’s at their summer home. I hate having to be nice to her and generally just try to ignore her and act pretty cold towards her. It is very uncomfortable. I don’t blame you for being upset.
Post # 16
My DH slept with his bf’s wife’s cousin….I am/was friends with her too at the time but it was before we were dating. Neither the best friend or wife know about it at all and she doesn’t!5 know that I know.
Is it a little awkward sometimes?
Yes but we are adults and stuff happens. We all have a past.
It may have started when he was younger but he obviously wasn’t traumatized. Also I’ve seen a lot of relationships the other way with the girl younger and no one says a thing.