(Closed) Interacting socially with FI's former eff buddy (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do in this scenario?

    Let your FI tell his sister

    Have FI talk to F and ask her not to come to events we're hosting

    Tell him you don't want her at your events and let him figure out how to handle it

    Get over it. Who cares if she's at housewarmings/the wedding/etc?


  • Post # 17
    523 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Why the eff did the former buddy agree to go? That’s weird that she would agree to be a plus one to your housewarming. I would definitely have Fiance tell his sister- the buddy sounds like she doesn’t really have common sense and you want to avoid these run-ins if possible-obviouslt the buddy is not going to respectfully decline so that your FI’s sister can stay in the dark. It’s one thing to run into her socially every now and again, it’s another for her to decide to come to your housewarming. 

    Post # 19
    435 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

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    @bellarossa:  If you don’t think she’s being genuinely nice, then you need to make a point of speaking to this woman and telling her about how you feel. While she did choose to come, you have to honour that choice. She’s not avoiding you, which means she must be far more comfortable than you with the situation. If you haven’t told her that you are that uncomfortable with her, then she can’t possibly know.

    I’d like to point out that when she slept with your Fiance, she was a lot younger than she is now. It is entirely possible that she is no longer comfortable with what she did. It is also possible that she saw your Fiance as older if he ever hung out with herself and FI’s sister. When you develop a closer relationship with people, age is no longer relevant. I know that where I am from, the age of consent is 16, so it may seem different to me, but at 17, you are old enough to decide whether or not you want to have sex. They both consented and it not only happened once, but continued for years. To me, that screams consent. 

    Furthermore, I’d like to know if people’s opinions of this would be different if your Fiance was a girl and the best friend was a guy. There are loads of relationships where the guy is significantly older than the girl, and I’d hazard a guess that not all of them start at 18+. Similarly, when two 15-year-olds have sex, is that not illegal? What would happen if your Fiance and the best friend were both 15 when this started? It’s still technically illegal, even though both parties would have consented. I just think the idea that the relationship between the best friend and Fiance is overblown – 17 is old enough to make a conscious decision, and he chose to sleep with the best friend, and continue for years. I wouldn’t be holding that against the best friend when Fiance was just as involved.

    Post # 20
    178 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    Let him tell her. He created the situation so there’s no reason for you to be taking the fallout from it (having to see her). And he had to know this was coming eventually when he told you about her. He can’t have been expecting you to be cool hanging out with one of his old hook ups.

    Post # 21
    472 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    View original reply
    @snowball543:  Yeah, this.

    I dunno. I have friends I’ve had intermittent sex with over the years while single, and I in no way pine for them. Not that I ever did- that’s why they were “friends I had sex with” not “boyfriends”- but it’s especially a non-issue now that I’m in a happy relationship with someone I love and want to be with forever. I’m not going to cast those people out of my life just because we saw each other naked many years ago. If we weren’t having an extremely small family wedding, some of them would be on the guest list- and I’ve been similarly invited to their engagement parties/weddings etc. 

    And I know my fiance had similarly casual relationships with other women before we met, and you know what? That’s part of how he became the person he was when I met him- considerate, clear on what he wants in a partner, and very good in bed. I appreciate that he didn’t drop like a bad habit everybody he ever slept with when they didn’t progress to True Love- what would that say about him as a person?

    In this case, your fiance broke any non-platonic part of this relationship off long before he met you, and his continued acquaintanceship with this woman is solely based off her friendship with his sister, something he can’t control- at least not with potentially ruining their friendship, straining his relationship with his sister, and making you look pretty bad to everybody who hears about it (and oh yes, if you make this in to a Thing, everybody will hear about it).

    It sounds like this girl is trying to be friendly to you- and she may honestly have no idea you hate her so much. Try to put yourself in her shoes- think of a guy you dated or slept with years before you met your fiance. If you ran in to him now, would you be expecting hate from his new fiancee? Would you be thinking about sexytimes together and pining for him or would you just be like “Oh hi” and maybe spare a passing thought for how happy you are you didn’t wind up stuck with him instead of your fiance?

    It would be one thing if your fiance was showing some continued interest in this girl, but he isn’t. Or if she were apparently still in to him- but it doesn’t sound like they were ever particularly in to each other. But it doesn’t sound like they have any interest in each other whatsoever, they’re both just around because of Sister. So… don’t make it a thing. It sounds like you’re giving more significance and importance to their relationship than they ever did- why keep reminding him of a years-ago casual hookup and turning it in to forbidden fruit when it’s clear he had plenty of opportunity to get involved with this girl before you were ever in the picture and he already passed on that? 

    The path to mental comfort here is inside your own head- reframe the way you think about this- she’s not important to him, you are, and something he did years before he met you has no bearing on your relationship together. Don’t make this non-issue in to something that you guys have drunken fights about, and for heaven’s sake DON’T let him inject pain and drama in to his relationship wih his sister or his sister’s relationship with her best friend. That’s not only going to cause pain all over, it’s going to wind up reflecting back on you, and not flatteringly.


    Post # 22
    1589 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    You’re not going to like my answer, but I’m going to tell you to get over it. I have a good looking older brother, and I thank my lucky stars that he’s been with Future Sister-In-Law since he was 16. I would be heartbroken if my friends hooked up with him. I can’t really explain why, but I would. I have a little brother too. The sister didn’t do anything wrong and doesn’t deserve to know about this. 

    Honestly, my advice would be to go back in time and I would tell your Fiance not to even tell you. It serves no purpose other than to hurt you. 

    Just because she’s been with him doesn’t mean she has feelings for him. She’s not an ex who is trying to get him back. She’s probably being nice because she wants you to know that she’s not a threat. 

    I will say that my Fiance does not have any relationships with anyone he has ever been with so I don’t have that perspective. I am close friends with someone I dated, and almost slept with, about 10 years ago, and Fiance is pretty over it. I’m glad he is because there is no feelings there either way. 

    Post # 23
    41 posts

    I’ve been there. In the early days of hooking up with my fiancé he informed me right from the start that a girl in his group of friends used to be his fuck buddy. She was also in a relationship with another friend in the group in the past. My Fiance ended it with her before I came along as he said he didn’t feel that way for her anymore and just wanted to be friends. She was fine with this apparently. 

    Fast forward a couple of months and it’s more serious between the two of us, I’m getting more and more bothered by the fact we’re hanging out with a chick the man I love has had lots of sex with. I’m not a jealous person and Fiance has lots of friends that are girls, but I explained to him that I felt being in a relationship and having a sexual relationship was something that should be special between us, and not something he’s shared with a friend that we interact with. I didn’t like knowing she had shared that with him too. There should be clear boundaries. Everyone has a past and generally other sexual partners but the new partner usually doesn’t have to have anything to do with them. 

    The Gf of his friend who also used to sleep with the girl was also very uncomfortable being around her. This chick really got under our skin. 

    The girl eventually moved to a different city, and would ask to stay at FIs house overnight when she was in town (we didn’t live together at this point and I was two hours away). It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Fiance as I do 100%, it was more I didn’t want this girl to think she could do those kinds of things and cross those boundaries, he wasn’t hers anymore. 

    Long story short, I said her or me, he chose me, deleted her from FB and hasn’t spoken to her since. He said he doesn’t mind either way as he honestly had no feelings for her. He prob thought I was overreacting but was happy to keep me happy. We haven’t fought or spoken about this since (nearly three years ago now). 

    Let him make the call, what ever it takes to get her out of his life so you dont have to deal with it, it’s not fair on you. 

    Post # 24
    2678 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

    I would have my Fiance tell her, “I don’t feel comfortable socially interacting with you anymore.  Next time my sister invites you to my house or the liking, please decline.  Otherwise, I may have to tell my sister what we did & I’d like to avoid that as I know she values your friendship.  Thanks for understanding!”

    While this all happened years ago, I can see why it bothers you, but I can also see why your Fiance doesn’t think it’s a big deal & I think it’s important for you to both see & try to understand each other’s perspective.

    Post # 25
    662 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    I think if you have your Fiance tell his sister now, after 3+ years since the last incident, it will make you look petty.

    For those saying that it was okay for the friend to prey on a 17 year old—it wasn’t. She was an adult, he was a child. If what she was doing was alright, it wouldn’t have been a skeleton in the closet.

    Three years since the last incident is long enough for your Fiance to be well over any lingering feelings. However, by your description, the friend was 23 when this started and by my math 29 when it ended. An adult making very questionable decisions over a sustained period of time. She is a shitty “best” friend and clearly completely uncouth.

    IMO, it is your FI’s responsibility to tell her not to show up at events you’re hosting and to give you a wide berth at others. She is disgusting and you shouldn’t have to fake nice to her.

    ETA: Grammar and spelling corrections…autocorrect is really heinous for me on WB :/ 






    Post # 26
    2013 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

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    @snowball543:  +1

    Post # 27
    127 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014


    I just have to say, I empathize! My FIs sister’s best friend is someone he was in love with his whole life. Depending on the person, you could argue love is worse than just sex, but I think they both make for awkward situations. I hate all girls from the past and wish they would spontaneously implode. Fiance wanted to invite her to the wedding, and I agreed at first (trying to be the “bigger person”), but then realized how uncomfortable I would be trying to fake things with her. And at my own wedding!? I don’t think so. Fiance and I had a fight about it but I “won” and now we don’t talk about it. He wanted to tell his sister why and I told him not too because I don’t want to be the bad guy. I know I’ll have to be around her at some point, but I’d rather not during my own big life events. Long story short, I’d have him deal with her on his own (ie not allow her to come), but not necessarily tell the sister unless it becomes a problem where she is bringing F around all the time unannounced. 

    Post # 28
    81 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    View original reply
    @bellarossa:  I would want to tell your fiance’s sister in your shoes. However, whether you tell her or not, that should not impact your right to determine who you choose to host in your own home. When your fiance’s sister texted you, you were perfectly within your right to text her back “I would prefer it if you didn’t bring F. She’s not welcome in my home.” If she asks for an explanation, you can choose whether to give her one or not. But manners-wise, you’re covered. She was bringing an uninvited guest.

    Family relationship rather than manners wise, you and your fiance need to make a decision as a couple and stand by it. You didn’t invite this person! There is no reason for you to fake nice and host her. He shouldn’t of shrugged! It’s your home and your space. If you are uncomfortable, that should be his priority. Either of you could have texted his sister back. The key would be then backing the other one up.

    I completely get you being uncomfortable with this. I dealt with something similar with my now fiance and the key was dealing with it together and coming to a resolution that satisfied both of you as much as possible.

    I just really don’t like that you felt forced to let her into your home.

    (Edited to fix a typo)

    Post # 29
    1489 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I honestly do not see what the big deal is here.  He had an occasional hookup buddy, who just happened to be his sister’s friend, and its been over for years.  

    Are you seriously going to hold HIS past decisions to have sex with other people BEFORE YOU MET against him??  The girl is not any threat here, that “relationship” between them is done.  

    I think you need to move on from this. The only person who is making this “uncomfortable” and into a problem is you. 

    View original reply
    @Bubblesmcgee:  +1000

    Post # 30
    510 posts
    Busy bee

    Dragging your FI’s sister into this seems unreasonable. It’s punishing her for your jealousy. I understand not wanting to socialize too much, but how often does the opportunity actually arise? If it’s really making you uncomfortable, I think Fiance should talk to F about it, not to his sister. 

    And the 17 year old thing…I agree with a PP, the ‘legal’ thing is literally just using a couple months to argue against a sexual relationship you aren’t cool with. If they continued for SIX years, the small amount of time when he was 17 is a drop in the bucket — they clearly enjoyed each other’s company and were just comfortable with each other and age had little to do with it (sorry). 

    Please don’t get his sister involved. I get that it’s not ideal, but there are other solutions.

    Post # 31
    5152 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

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    @bellarossa:  On the other hand… can Fiance contact F and let her know that these types of situations make you uncomfortable?

    Say something like : Bellarossa knows about our past, and feels uncomfortable when she is around you due to our past relationship. I don’t want to tell sister because I don’t want to upset your friendship, but I would appreciate it if you would decline an invite to a party that we are hosting if sister invites you. I totally understand you will be around at sister’s parties/events but if we could avoid having to interact in our home, that would be appreciated. 

    That way, F can call the shots and if she doesn’t decline invites and you continue to be uncomfortable, then Fiance can tell his sister about the past. 

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