(Closed) Interacting socially with FI's former eff buddy (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do in this scenario?

    Let your FI tell his sister

    Have FI talk to F and ask her not to come to events we're hosting

    Tell him you don't want her at your events and let him figure out how to handle it

    Get over it. Who cares if she's at housewarmings/the wedding/etc?

    Other

  • Post # 32
    Member
    6014 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I kind of think you’re blowing this up abit.  First off I don’t think it’s your place to say anything to his sister.  This is FI’s thing to handle.  

    Secondly, so big deal, he tells his sister she knew him at 17 what he was like, I have a younger brother and if he, what slept with my older BFF a few times would it still bother me … I have to say no.  I would feel like a dumbass for not knowing but meh she wouldn’t have been the only chick he was sleeping with before my Future SIL.  

    Thirdly, so nothing changes except it’s “out there” now.  What if his sister doesn’t really care.  What do you expect her to do?  Dump her BFF?  Not have this girl in her own wedding, not invite her BFF to her kids parties all because years ago her younger brother and her BFF slept together and his wife can’t get over something that happened years before she was around?  FSIL may not bring her to your house, but doesn’t mean the BFF is going to drop off the planet.

    He was a few months from being legal, when I was 16 I was dating college guys, because at 17 I was in college and I was dating them also.   I think you need to find away past this.  You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    766 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @bellarossa:  I think it’s odd that the friend would sleep with your Fiance when he was only 17 and there was a significant age gap. It doesn’t speak highly of her character that she would do something with an underage boy. At the same time, it is important to realize that most people have a sexual past before meeting the person that they marry. In daily life, I wouldn’t be surprised to run into my FI’s ex or one of my exes. It’s life and that happens sometimes when a lot of people live in the same geographic area. But it’s totally reasonable to not want the sexual past to show up at your home or at your wedding and I don’t blame you for feeling as you do. I would say to your Fiance, “Given your history with _____, I’d really prefer that we not invite her into our home in the future. I realize it would be awkward for you to uninvite her now, but in the future please respect my wishes.” 

    Post # 34
    Member
    766 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    If it were me, I wouldn’t tell his sister (it will come out and when it does you don’t want to be more involved than you already are) but I wohld make sure F knows that you know. Like, beyond a shadow of a doubt. That way, if she has any decency, she will decline future invites from your Future Sister-In-Law to events you are hosting to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Although she did sleep with her best friend’s kid brother, so the jury’s out on the decency thing.

    Post # 35
    Member
    1686 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I’m actually surprised at how many people are attacking F for a decision they both made more than half a decade ago.  If people thought hard about some of the decisions they made in their early 20’s they’d probably agree that some were questionable or stupid even.

    I also don’t really see a 17 yr old who could have been graduated highschool already at that age as a ‘child’.  Pretty sure that at 17 most people have had sex regardless of with who, and were able to understand what they were doing.  

    Wouldn’t it be a surprise to find out the sister already knows and doesn’t care?  

    I don’t think it’s fair to say that F isn’t a decent person because she slept with her friends brother 6 years ago or whatever it was.  Unfortunately when I was young I slept with someone’s boyfriend. GASP.  It was a bad decision, and I feel terrible about it now, but it’s been 8 years or more, and I’m not the same person I was then.  I would hate for people to think that one choice defines who I am now, who I have been since and even before that.

    Perhaps when she looks back on it now, she regrets that he was 17, or perhaps he was very mature, hung out with older people because of his sister, and she didn’t think of him as a young boy to prey on.

    OP – if you can’t get over it, have your Fiance talk to F and ask her not to come to your home.  It’s really that simple.  Getting into it with his sister causes a shit load of hurt over something that is so over and done.  You will probably end up looking like a jealous jerk, especially if she already knows or doesn’t care.

    Post # 36
    Member
    293 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    I think you should tell your Fiance and his sister that you don’t want her around at all and let the sister know that he slept with her for years and now he’s having her in your life. It’s kind of disgusting that she was at your house. That would be too much for me to handle.

    Post # 37
    Member
    1621 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I agree wtih 

    View original reply
    peonyinlove : first, I don’t see the benefit of telling the sister now, it’s unnecessary and will cause her hurt (potentially) and I’m not 100% sure it’s her business who her brother sleeps with anyways.

    Having said that, former sex buddy does need to know that you’re uncomfortable with her prescence at social events.  The sister, however, doesn’t need to be the conduit of this information.  FI can contact her directly and very simply explain that she should graciously decline if sister invites her to tag along to any events that Fiance and you host.  Now, the other thing is that she may still be at broader family gatherings, and clealry will be at events hosted by the sister, so you’ll just have to figure out a way to politely steer clear of her at those; Fiance can also mention that when he talks to her (that she should be polite but give you space if that’s what you want).

     

    Post # 38
    Member
    2564 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    It’s none of his sister’s business and it’s none of your business either.  His sexual past before he met you shouldn’t concern you.  If you are worried about having to interact with this person your Fiance can contact her and let her know.  If they aren’t friends anymore it seems odd that his sister would bring her around a lot or bring her to your wedding.

    Post # 39
    Member
    7590 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @pixiecat:  this!

    It’s none of his sister’s business and it’s none of your business. I personally think you need to get over it- they last slept together three years ago. If you really can’t let it go then have your Fiance speak to this girl directly and ask her not to put herself into situations like your housewarming party again.

    Post # 40
    Member
    3081 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    First, I’m glad that you and your Fiance are honest with each other. I can’t imagine not knowing something like that and having her in my home totally blind to it. Not that you have anything to worry about now, I just don’t agree with the posters that say you should wish your Fiance hadn’t ever told you. I applaud openness and honesty if it’s right in the relationship.

    That said, what are you worried about? Are you nervous about any lingering chemistry, or you just genuinely don’t like this girl or want to see her? I don’t know that there’s a need to have your Fiance tell his sister everything, but if you choose to go that route, then I think  

    View original reply
    @Brielle: ‘s suggestion is a good one – there was a romantic relationship in the distant past, and you both would prefer she not be brought to events you are hosting. But I prefer either the option of doing what you can do get over it, recognizing that you’re the only one who matters to Fiance now, or having Fiance contact F directly and relay his discomfort at seeing her socially.  

    My husband has quite a past, and a lot of the girls are still in his/our social circle. I’m not totally enthused about it, but it’s never really bothered me that much because I’M the only one who matters now, and he (and to be fair, the girls) have never given me a single reason to be self-conscious or concerned. I also love the openness and honesty we have with each other, but realize that that comes with the responsibility to really try not to let things bother me. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    131 posts
    Blushing bee

    @bellarossa:  Insist your Fiance talk to his sister to explain why it made you uncomfortable for F to be there. She obviously didn’t know, and I’m sure if she did, she would not have brought her. That may also prevent the former cut buddy from being a guest at the wedding.

    Post # 42
    Member
    2240 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I don’t think you’re wrong at all for being uncomfortable with this woman coming to your events.

    Some Bees are saying that this isn’t your business, but I don’t think that’s true at all. His past is showing up at your event in your home. His past is causing you to be uncomfortable. You should not have to smile and nod and make nice conversation with his past in your own house. 

    The fact that she is the FSIL’s friend doesn’t mean you have to suck it up an deal with it. 

    It seems to me that almost any way you approach this issue, your fiancée’s sister is going to find out at least a few details. You’ll have to decide if you’re ok with what could result from trying to keep this woman out of your home and away from your events.

    I wouldn’t let that stop me if I were you, though. This is simply the result of your fiancée sleeping with your sisters friend. He shat wear ate, so to speak, and these are the consequences. You’re not comfortable with it, so he needs to fix it.

    Post # 43
    Member
    633 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I’m pretty disturbed by all the comments asking for a bye on the “17 is practically 18” thing. Um, hello? Contribute to rape culture much? There are reasons that we have laws! 18 may be an arbitrary number, but it’s the number we’ve all agreed upon!

    @bellarossa:  I doubt there’s a true right vs wrong here. If its bothers you, though, it’s something you’ll have to work through; mostly in your own mind, because you can’t change the past! That doesn’t mean that your sweetie shouldn’t be supportive of the fact that you are struggling with it, yet he is probably also feeling helpless – he can’t un-sleep with her even if he wanted to!

    Edited to fix stupid ipad autocorrects

     

    Post # 44
    Member
    11506 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    Although some of the bees have suggested that they personally would not need to know information regarding their SOs’ sexual histories or would not be willing to share such information regarding their own pasts, for some couples, this topic is an important one to be discussed.

    Post # 45
    Member
    1589 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Can anyone post the law that says 17 is underage for a sexual relationship? I actually think 17 is legal age, based on a case that’s happening here right now. Plus, I also think it has to do with how much older the other person is. I don’t think we can all just assume it’s illegal b/c he was under 18. 

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