(Closed) Interacting socially with FI's former eff buddy (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do in this scenario?

    Let your FI tell his sister

    Have FI talk to F and ask her not to come to events we're hosting

    Tell him you don't want her at your events and let him figure out how to handle it

    Get over it. Who cares if she's at housewarmings/the wedding/etc?

    Other

  • Post # 47
    Member
    1686 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

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    @Bubbles42:  

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    @Brielle:  in Canada it’s 16, perhaps this is why I don’t see the big creep factor in him being 17?

    Post # 48
    Member
    1686 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

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    @drlolaz:  I cannot understand how thinking that a 17 year old male having sex consentually with a 23 year old is not creepy or gross, means anyone is contributing to rape culture.  Especially considering that the age of consent in many places is actually 16 or 17, I think you just made a pretty big leap in that suggestion – and I find it rather insulting.

    Post # 50
    Member
    772 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

    This is a bit of an awkward situation but it is by no means worth so much upset. It sounds like your fiance and F had some random hookups over the years, it was consensual on both sides and over now. It was never a serious relationship with deep feelings or anything.

    I don’t think it’s fair to ruin F and the sister’s friendship, because really they didn’t do anything wrong since they basically both wanted to and it’s in the past now. 

    I can see how it would be uncomfortable to have someone your Fiance previously slept with in your house. If you are not okay with that, then it’s fine. Have your Fiance let F know it makes you a bit uncomfortable and that she can’t come around anymore. Let them figure out what excuses to make. 

    As for the wedding. I don’t see how she can come if she doesn’t get invited. The sister isn’t going to bring her as a plus one as she has a boyfriend, so I don’t see how it would even be a problem. 

    Post # 51
    Member
    461 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I personally would want this taken care of somehow. I don’t know the right way to go about doing it, but as someone who was a former fuck-buddy with one of my best friend’s boyfriend’s friend (slightly complicated), I hate the fact that we will have to be around one another at my best friend’s wedding.

    It’s weird that she came to the party. It’s weird (to me) that your Fiance wasn’t uncomfortable with her being there. I think it’s NORMAL that you don’t feel comfortable with it, my fiance doesn’t feel comfortable with it.

    I also think it’s weird that, knowing something makes you uncomfortable, he doesn’t do something to try to change that. Even just saying to his sister, “Listen, this is really more of a close friends and family thing and I’m not that close with F, would you mind just going out with her after the housewarming party?”

    Other people might not care, but I would. So weird to me that she is so comfortable being around your Fiance and you.

    Post # 52
    Member
    18 posts
    Newbee

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    @peonyinlove:  I think this is a fantastic option and I agree with you completely!  Cut out the middle man (the sister) completely.  Have the Fiance approach F and just tell her that she needs to decline certain invites.  Now if she completely disregards that and continues to show up to events where she is not welcome or it makes it awkward for you, then I might consider involving the sister… but until then, she doesn’t need to know!

    Post # 53
    Member
    627 posts
    Busy bee

    I would find this really hard to deal with, too. It doesn’t matter if others think it’s no big deal because you’re the one living it. Whether or not your partner tells his sister all the sorrid details should be up to him but at the very least he needs to say something to avoid putting his future wife in situations she dreads and feels terrible about. 

    It’s a good thing he was honest with you and so he should have been prepared that you’d have some kind of reaction. You may not be able to completely avoid this girl forever but you can certainly have a say in who comes into your shared family home and who attends your wedding. If he is willing to put your feelings first (and it sounds like he is) then I would suggest you let him. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    2297 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

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    @bellarossa:  EDIT – sorry hadn’t seen your update. i hope that plan works, i’m sure it will since the friend would prefer their relationship stay secret

    Post # 56
    Member
    965 posts
    Busy bee

    I agree that the sisters friend shouldn’t come to any of yours and fi’s events anymore. you may not be able to avoid her completly but I do agree that she shouldn’t be invited to yours and your fi’s events. 

    Post # 57
    Member
    2393 posts
    Buzzing bee

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    @bellarossa:  

    It’s great to seek advice from others, but I think in situations like this, it’s important to go with YOUR gut feeling.

    Obviously there are many Bees here who wouldn’t give this a second thought.

    However, it does bother you, and I think you’ve given some very valid reasons for your distaste for being around this woman. And for the record, I agree with you and I absolutely could not tolerate hanging out with this woman and making nice/acting as if everything were cool beans. 

    Reading your past comments, I get the impression that you’re wavering on whether to push this issue with your Fiance because you don’t want to seem controlling, petty or jealous. With all due respect, I think this is a bit of needless insecurity on your part.

    Don’t worry about any of that. Go with your gut. Someone on these boards (can’t remember who) once said, “You can’t say the wrong thing to the right man.” I think that is genius, and it applies here. It means that when you’ve truly found The One, and you’re REALLY meant to be together, all of these little hiccups sort themselves out. Because you two were meant to be!

    Speak your mind and put your worries to rest. Calmly and without drama, tell your Fiance (when he’s sober, LOL) that you’re extremely uncomfortable around her and you can’t be under the same roof with her anymore. Let him figure out how to make that happen. Don’t let anyone put you on the spot, and accept no guilt trips about this. You’ve done nothing wrong. The ball is in your FI’s court.

    Don’t worry, you’ll be fine! Good luck!

    Oh and P.S. — Since you posted in your update that FI’s sister would definitely not be OK with what happened — IMO your Fiance would be doing her a HUGE favor by letting her know the truth. Would you want to unknowingly hang out with a girlfriend who’d slept with your 17-year-old brother? Neither would I!!! Far from being angry, she’ll probably be thankful that you came along and put a stop to this nonsense.

     

     

     

    Post # 58
    Member
    633 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

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    @lia22:  the law in most states stipulates that those under 18 but over the age of consent (which does vary by state) WITHIN A 5 YEAR AGE GAP. So, actually, your ignorance does not constitute me making any leaps of any kind. Even 6 years age difference would count as statutory rape.

    Post # 59
    Member
    1686 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

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    @drlolaz:  I’m not sure why I’m bothering, seeing as how this isn’t at all in the OP’s interest however: US Federal law makes it criminal to engage in a sexual act with another person who is between the age of 12 and 16 if they are at least four years younger than you. 

    That’s your federal law, yes, and yes it differs by state, however the amount of years only matters IF in your state one person is not of the legal age.  If the age is 18 and he was 17, it’s completely irrelevsnt how much older she was, I don’t really get your point?  

    The OP does say that in her state, the age is 18.  In this case, I agree it was illegal (IF in fact it was 18 as the legal age 6 years ago, as these things do change – for example. as I am not actually ignorant, I know that in Canada the law changed from 14 to 16 in 2008).

    What is important to note though, is that a)if they lived in the state over, it would not only be not creepy, but not illegal, and b) where I live it would not be creepy, or illegal.

    Your federal government would not find it illegal, whether her state does or not.  I have to say, in my opinion, it doesn’t make it rape, because Texas or some other state says it does, but 70% or maybe more of you country doesn’t.  Especially because it was consentual.  And it most certainly does not mean that those of us who don’t live in places where the ‘legal’ age is 18 don’t care about rape, or actual rape victims, and nor do we contribute to the shit storm that is the ‘rape culture’ that you so easily throw about.

    You’re entitled to your opinion, as I am mine, but I’m not an ignorant idiot because you think it’s wrong.

    For the record – why is the woman the only one to blame?  Did the BROTHER not go behind his SISTERS back here as well?  I guess it’s always the ‘other womans’ fault right?  When he turned 18 and was in everyone’s eyes an adult, could he not have said no?  Is it not just as much his fault that he fkd his sisters bff as it was the bff’s fault?  Isn’t that a no go?

    Post # 60
    Member
    2551 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

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    @bellarossa:  I don’t know, I guess I’m in the minority but I don’t see the big deal.  Had he been 14 or the like, sure, that’s pedophile territory.  But at 17 that doesn’t shock me.  Also everyone has a past, Fiance has a friendship with several exes who I spend time with, one of which has become a good friend.  I liked to pick on him about the fact that he’d been on dates with 3 girls at our wedding.  I don’t think it’s a big deal, he’s with me.  Your Fiance is with you, best to leave his past where it belongs.  Good luck!

    Post # 61
    Member
    125 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2006

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    @snowball543:  I think the uncomfortable feelings come from the fact that he was underage at the time–not that they had a relationship. Not to mention morally, this girl is a piece of work for screwing her best friend’s  little brother behind her back. A substitute slept with my love when we were 16 (she was in her twenties). He and I were dating off and on at the time and he had many rendezvous. I’m not bothered by any of other girls he slept with while we were in high school but her I DESPISE because she was an ADULT taking advantage of a child who was thrilled to have a grown woman paying him attention and as an educator and woman it makes me sick. To this day, I say if I ever run into her I will give her a piece of my mind. 

     

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