(Closed) Interacting socially with FI's former eff buddy (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do in this scenario?

    Let your FI tell his sister

    Have FI talk to F and ask her not to come to events we're hosting

    Tell him you don't want her at your events and let him figure out how to handle it

    Get over it. Who cares if she's at housewarmings/the wedding/etc?

    Other

  • Post # 62
    Member
    556 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

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    @peonyinlove:  I think this is the best option–the one that takes everyone’s feelings into account.

    Post # 63
    Member
    556 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

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    @invisabee:  That woman should be reported. I am willing to bet she is still sleeping with students. I am also an educator, and people like this make me sick and give us a bad name.

    Post # 64
    Member
    1826 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

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    @lia22:  +1

     

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    @bellarossa:  For the record – why is the woman the only one to blame?  Did the BROTHER not go behind his SISTERS back here as well?  I guess it’s always the ‘other womans’ fault right?  When he turned 18 and was in everyone’s eyes an adult, could he not have said no?  Is it not just as much his fault that he fkd his sisters bff as it was the bff’s fault?  Isn’t that a no go?

     

    Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/hosting-the-girl-fi-slept-with/page/2#ixzz2u83X4D4p

     

    You seem extremely angry with this woman about this however your Fiance was also there. I doubt at 17 (probably closer to 18) that he wasn’t prepared to make his own decisions. There are a lot of people off to college, university or full time jobs at 17.

     

    And are you positive that she was 23? Maybe she was only 22 or do you know her exact birthdate?

     

    As lia22 shows…the laws vary greatly from state to state.

     

    Four years ago my daughter was 16 (I suspect it happened at 15) when she had sex with her then 21 (almost 22) year old boyfriend. I didn’t like it but I’m also not naive enough to think that she did not go into it full knowing. I had taken her to get birth control before this boy came into the picture because I didn’t want a pregnancy to happen and talked to her about condoms. Teenagers are educated these days. Oh…and when I talked to the police (I was looking for info), they just shrugged their shoulders and said she was too close to the statute age and they wouldn’t have done anything.

     

     

     

    THAT BEING SAID…

     

    I understand that you don’t want this woman in your home. That is your right. You need to feel comfortable in your own home and your Fiance should help you. He failed you the night of the housewarming…

     

    But do NOT bring the sister into this! This is none of her business. And she may end up resenting you for ruining her friendship. This could also damage the relationship between your Fiance and your sister if she loses her BFF! As well as damaging your own relationship because your Fiance is probably already regretting having told you…otherwise you wouldn’t have been fighting about it. His arguing with you makes it sound like he doesn’t think it is a big deal.

     

    Have you considered that maybe F isn’t even aware that you know? That maybe she would be mortified if she found that she came to your home when you were aware of their past and was uncomfortable? Or that maybe whether she knows you know or not, is truly HAPPY for your Fiance that he found someone to spend his life with and that is why she is trying to engage you in conversation? Maybe she thinks that you are an awesome person???

     

    There are so many perspectives to this situation other than just yours…however IF you need her to not be around the mature thing to do would be to ask your Fiance to contact her directly and tell her to please stay away.

     

     

     

    Post # 65
    Member
    125 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2006

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    @sjhanddab2014:  It was over a decade ago now. I can remember disliking her and having a strong gut feeling she was up to no good and I actually confronted him about it. When we were around 19, he told me my intuition was right all along and they did have a sexual relationship but she “swore him to secrecy” and told him she loved him and would lose her job. Disgusting. When he told me, I immediately looked her up to see if she was still subbing/teaching permanently and she was not. What makes it even more disgusting is when he finally joined FB in 2011, she promptly found him and sent him a friend request. That told me she must have been searching for him at times because I don’t think he had been on there for even a week when the request popped up and they had no mutual friends! I’m not ashamed to admit every now and then I find her just to make sure she’s at a job that gives her no interaction with children.

     

    Post # 66
    Member
    576 posts
    Busy bee

    I can see why you would be uncomfortable having the woman around. Though I don’t agree with the sentiment that she is disgusting, as that seems harsh. Perhaps not the most loyal or forthcoming friend. However your fiance was participating willingly as well. I don’t think all the blame is on her for hiding thing from his sister, after all he had to keep quiet too. Yes he was underage for the first time(or first few) but you say this was an ongoing thing as well. I can’t imagine that any 19 year old boy/man would feel taken advantaged of if a 25 year old woman wants to get drunk and sleep with him. 

    That being said you of course shouldn’t feel caged in your own home and I’m sure it was a bit of a let down for enjoying your housewarming, which should be a happy and fun occasion. I wouldn’t advise you telling the sister at this point though. It would be punishing an innocent party for something that’s over and done with anyways. Just tell your fiance you don’t want the woman around, and that he needs to take care of this, its his business. He needs to be responsible for taking care of the issue. And If his sister is going to find out, its probably better that it comes from him.

    Post # 67
    Member
    102 posts
    Blushing bee

    @bellarossa:  His sister was never really involved in the first place, and I don’t think she needs to be involved now. I think this is something he needs to discuss with F since they are the ones with the history. If he tells his sister, it’ll cause issues between her and F…and I don’t think his sister deserves to lose a friend over this issue. 

    It can definitely be resolved without hurting so many people. I say just keep it between the three of you!

    Post # 68
    Member
    2268 posts
    Buzzing bee

    If it were me, I would be very uncomfortable being around this girl and having her around my SO.

    I’m not sure if him talking to his sister about this situation is the best idea, but I would make sure he is aware of how I feel and that he makes sure we won’t have to associate with her in the future.

    He can decide if to sort out this problem he needs to tell his sister or he needs talk to F and make sure she knows that she isn’t welcome to our events.

    Post # 69
    Member
    389 posts
    Helper bee

    @bellarossa:  When I was 17 and a high school senior my bf was 23. He was also best friends with my cousin. My parents loved him, he was a great guy and we had a great relationship. So, I don’t find it creepy. In my state 17 is the age of consent so it was also legal. I think it’s ironic that it is also quite common and accepted for guys to date younger women but deemed “creepy” when the situation is reversed.

    I don’t think you have to turn her into a creepy, criminal just to justify that you’re uncomfortable with her being around. Just own how you feel. I think its selfish to possibly ruin his sister’s relationship with her best friend because you don’t like something that happened in your FI’s past when you weren’t even in the picture. She may be upset that it happened behind her back, she may not care or she may resent you for ruining her friendship over something that could be perceived as petty. I would think about all of the consequences before acting.

    You know what will and won’t work for you so I think you and your Fiance have to do whatever that is. I agree with the other bees who suggested that Fiance contact the girl directly instead of dragging his sister into this. Personally, I would get over it. It’s been YEARS since they were intimate and she is a friend of the family. You and your SO are happily together and clearly building a life together. I don’t get what the big deal is.

    Post # 70
    Member
    1633 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I don’t think fiance needs to tell sister. He needs to have a conversation with F. He doesn’t want her around at events he or you are hosting. She needs to find and excuse why and not come.

    By The Way, Finding out my brother and best friend were sleeping together on and off would not ruin my friendship. We have a 7 year gap- he’s younger. Their sexual relationship is over anyeay. My husband didn’t stop being friends with one of his guys because they took his 4 yrs younfer sister out on a few dates. He didn’t want to talk about his sister with hus friend. But, the friendship is still in tact.

    Post # 72
    Member
    49 posts
    Newbee

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    @snowball543:  that is much easier said then done. We all want to thing we wouldn’t be jealous or let it bother us but in reality … most of us would not like that situation.

    Post # 73
    Member
    1633 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

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    @bellarossa:  I read your updates (and the majority of comments) after I replied so as to not taint my response. In fact the first part of what I wrote is in part your game plan, which I think is a good one in its entirety. I especially like the part about you having the ability to choose. The jump off should be more sensitive since she is apart of the fam so to speak anyway. My bff and I have been close friends since grade school. We took my kid brother to see Godzilla, so I get how a friend can be like family. But, they aren’t family and attraction occurs. Heck, attraction occurs even in families…double yuck!

    Post # 75
    Member
    723 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I’ve read all of your updates and really think that you should drop it, BUT am going to suggest that if you don’t, maybe you should just talk to F yourself and ask that she not attend any of your gatherings. Ultimately, this is about you finding her reprehensible & not wanting to spend time with her, so why not be honest about it? It seems like a braver, more forthright way to deal with the situation, rather than forcing your Fiance to be punished for something he did consentually years ago. It’s not fair IMO to punish him for having an F buddy when he did it responsibly. And if you truly think she took advantage of him (which I don’t believe but you seem to), then I think it would actually be cruel to force your Fiance to confront her about this.

    Anyway, it sounds like you agree with this–but absolutely, 100% do not tell FI’s sister. That would unnecessarily damage her relationship with F, her relationship with your brother, and possibly her relationship with you.

    I’m of the camp who think you’re being really harsh on this girl. So what if they grew up together? It’s not like she took advantage of him when he was 12. It’s not that uncommon to lust after someone who you’ve grown up with. Even if they don’t end up together, male/female friends who grow up together usually have a time where they become aware of each other sexually. The girl was in her early 20s when this happened, had spent some time away from your Fiance at college and probably came back with fresh eyes, so to speak. It’s not like she was lusting after a pre-pubescent boy.

    Post # 76
    Member
    935 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    It was rude of the sister to not even consider your feelings on the matter.

    No matter what any bee here feels – no matter if you would be “cool” with it or not, your feelings don’t reflect everyone’s feelings.

    If I was the sister I would not have invited her for fear of making you uncomfortable.  Is she socially inept?

    Have your SO talk to his sister.  end of story.

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