(Closed) Interacting socially with FI's former eff buddy (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do in this scenario?

    Let your FI tell his sister

    Have FI talk to F and ask her not to come to events we're hosting

    Tell him you don't want her at your events and let him figure out how to handle it

    Get over it. Who cares if she's at housewarmings/the wedding/etc?

    Other

  • Post # 77
    Member
    935 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    And furthermore…..

    Why would it damage the relationship between the girl he slept with and the sister.

    I HAVE SLEPT WITH GUYS THAT NOW HAVE GIRLFRIENDS – you wouldn’t see me hanging out at their housewarming party because, even if it was years later, I wouldn’t want to make the new girl uncomfortable.

    We’re supposed to believe that because the FI’s wife is uncomfortable cities will crumble and friendships will end?  Are the sister and this girl in high school?  Man up and be considerate!

    Post # 78
    Member
    2551 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    View original reply
    @bellarossa:  I appreciate where you’re coming from, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.  I have just a few things to think about, hopefully to help you get to a better place with this.  I’m a social worker so these are some of the cornerstones of my profession but I think they’re helpful to anyone really.

    1. We all make mistakes.  If there’s someone who got through life without doing something they’re not proud of I’d love to shake her hand, it’s not very common.

    2. Everyone is capable of change, no matter how reprehensible we find their past.  We are not predestined to remain the person we are today, nor the person we were yesterday.

    3.  We can choose to feel hatred for the mistakes of others or we can be forgiving.  It may feel like this isn’t a choice, but in reality we have significant control over our thoughts and feelings.

    You may think about these things and still decide to cut this woman out of your life, and that’s ok, we all deserve to act in self-preservation.  I’m not suggesting that you and F become best buddies and have weekly brunch dates.  But for your own sake, not hers, I would strongly caution you to work towards freeing yourself of the hatred you’re feeling before removing her from your life.  After she’s gone that hatred will remain, and the only person there to manifest it toward will be your husband, his sister, and yourself.  Forgiveness is a hard thing to do, except compared to the alternative.

    Best of luck hon!!!

    Post # 79
    Member
    373 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014 - Beach

    Well if I’m in your Fi sisters shoes and I would find out that one of my best friends had a thing with my brothers many years ago i wouldn’t be upset. Maybe it’s just me i dont know. Yeah i will be shocked and even maybe disgusted about what my friend had did in the past but if were really good friends i doubt it will effect our relationship. 

    This is something they have done years ago. The brother was joung and maybe F was messed up, they dont do it anymore dont they?

    So i say let Fiance tell his sister to avoid any more akward moments especially if you think she might come to the wedding. 

    And if the Fiance sister is mature it wont bother her (i hope not)

    good luck 🙂

    Post # 80
    Member
    1341 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    @bellarossa:  Does it suck that this butt-buddy has to come to social events, totally. But this is his sister’s BFF, who doesn’t know about the situation and honestly, unless the sister know about it, it’s not fair to tell the sister she can’t bring her BFF without knowing ths situation. However, it’s up to your Fiance to tell his sister. Do I think he should, yes, but that should not be something you force him to do. Not to mention, this could backfire… 

    Post # 81
    Member
    1589 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    View original reply
    @FleeSircus:  the sister doesn’t know that they hooked up.

    Post # 82
    Member
    125 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2006

    View original reply
    @dulcevida:  Actually when the situation is reversed, consequences are more severe and instead of just being seen as “creepy” men are viewed as pedophiles. 

    Post # 83
    Member
    633 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    View original reply
    @lia22:  you seem really personally offended by this. It’s still not right. You’re confusing the age of consent thing. If a state has an age of consent of 14-18, which most do, they can consent to sex, but not with someone who is either over 18 or has an age gap of “x” amount. I really don’t understand why you’re inserting words I never used (e.g. Idiot, gross, creepy never appeared in any of my comments) and acting in such defense of this! I still think OP is entitled to feel however she wants to feel about this, and if the fact that her Fiance was a minor is part of her upset ness, I think it’s fair game. 

    http://www.cga.ct.gov/2003/olrdata/jud/rpt/2003-r-0376.htm

    Post # 84
    Member
    500 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I find the gender discrepancy appaling.  if a 24yo MAN had secret, drunk sex with his best friend’s little sister who was 16/17 everyone would be OUTRAGED especally since it continued.

    This woman needs to be told to stay away.

    Post # 85
    Member
    522 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    View original reply
    @drlolaz:  Not so in Georgia. If you’re over 16, you can go have sex with a 90 year old if you want. I agree that the OP is allowed to feel how she likes about this issue, but I also agree with 
    View original reply
    lia22 that saying “17 is practically 18” doesn’t contribute to rape culture. 18 is NOT the arbitrary age that everyone has agreed upon, because different states have different laws, and the link you provided actually says that 16 is the arbitrary that most states agree upon.

    Post # 86
    Member
    522 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    OP, I agree with letting it go and dealing with it if it becomes a problem. Your Future Sister-In-Law doesn’t need to be involved in this at all.

    Post # 87
    Member
    510 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @dulcevida:  “”I don’t think you have to turn her into a creepy, criminal just to justify that you’re uncomfortable with her being around.”

    THIS. People can be charged with crimes at 13 — OP, you’re saying that he didn’t understand consequences at 17? Not only that, but you say he wasn’t he most mature person at 23….so why can’t it be possible that she wasn’t the most mature person at 24? Why can’t that excuse work both ways? And you think he’s ‘learned his lesson’ from how he chose to live the next 6 years of his life, but she has earned no forgiveness? 

    This is affecting you on a seriously drastic level, and it’s because you choose to let it. She’s become a monster in your eyes, with no morality, but your partner is life-partner worthy despite engaging in the same behaviours and hiding it from the same person. Something doesn’t match up here. Are you hiding some anger towards him as well in all of this, maybe redirecting it towards F?

    Post # 88
    Member
    2091 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I have only read a few comments. I think that either he should tell his sis or figure some other way to handle this situation. I cannot believe that ho was in YOUR HOME!!! I would not be comfortable having my FI’s ex sex buddy in my house or knowing where we live! He has let this go too far already. This chick may end up at your wedding if something is not sone about it. I am surprised he did not interject and tell his sister not to bring her to your home. He should also be uncomfortable. Once you know something, you cannot unknow it! You cannot help but feel awkward. I would honestly be pissed and feel disrespected by Fiance that he is so nonchalant about it. How would he feel about this situation if it was your ex sex buddy coming around?!

    He should be the one to tell his sister. I really don’t think that she would ever have brought that girl around knowing how awkward and uncomfortable it would be for you. I am sorry, but I cannot imaging sitting around and chit-chatting it up with someone that I knew for a fact had humped up my man, let alone in my home. That is a mind-f*ck that I do not need to have. You never know, they may still be friends, but I am sure she would not bring her around you or to your home or the wedding again if she knows.  

    Post # 89
    Member
    956 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    View original reply
    @bellarossa:  I would tell your Fiance that it’s up to him to figure out how to keep this person from coming to events you are hosting. If he wants to tell his sister, then fine. If he would rather call up “F” and tell her that she isn’t welcome to attend parties thrown by you and FI unless the invite comes from the two of you.

    That would solve the issue and keep him from having to tell her.

    Post # 89
    Member
    141 posts
    Blushing bee

    I think your Fiance should tell his sister, not just because you feel he needs to, but because this uis something that his sister has a right to know. If the sister and F are turly “best friends” then they should be able to talk through this without it becoming a huge fight. As some of the PPs have stated – everything has happened in the past, and there’s nothing that you can do about it – but that doesn’t mean that you hae vto pretend that you are okay with any of it. Your life with your Fiance is your own, and there is no reason for anyone that isn’t wanted around, to be around. Overall, this is something that all of you need to talk about. It’s only going to get worse if all of your remain silent in light of the fact that this is something that is causing underlying tensions that might one day explode into something bigger. Good luck.

    Post # 90
    Member
    4943 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

     

    View original reply
    bellarossa:  My husband is still friends with women he slept with – and it honestly doesn’t bother me. I’m friends with a few of them now, too. 🙂 Everyone has a past, and it sounds like their “relationship” was very casual with no emotions/feelings. So honestly, it wouldn’t bother me. Especially since it was years ago.

    However, since it does bother you, you could always just tell SIL that you are uncomfortable because they had a casual relationship (no need to go into detail).

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