Post # 1
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
Mine and DH’s family both live across the country, about a 7 hour flight from us. My parents plan to come visit the second week of Dec, when my baby is 6 weeks old.
My husbands family called him the other night, and said they found a good flight to come here for Christmas, but it arrives the day my parents are leaving. Before even checking with me, he told them to book it. They will be staying for two weeks. That is 3 consecutive weeks of people staying with us over the holidays. So now I’m feeling overwhelmed that babies first Christmas will entail three weeks of visitors. I am an introvert who will still be trying to get into routine with a newborn and toddler. If the baby was a bit older, it’d feel more manageable, but I’m imagining I’ll still feel pressure to host and clean while they are here (even though they say they are coming to help). I’m breastfeeding and won’t feel comfortable doing that in front of his family, so I’ll probably be isolated half the time. We did tell his parents they could come for Christmas, but I was imagining some time between guests, and less time here. we can’t ask them to stay in a hotel as the flights will be expensive on their own.
Am I being unreasonable for stressing about this? What would you do?
Post # 2
Hostess
1707 posts
Bumble bee
Bee, I’m not sure what to tell you to do, especially if they’ve already booked the flights but that is a lot! In your shoes, I’d be stressed out about it already and would probably throw a fit at DH for not checking before he told them to book it.
Post # 3
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
He thinks that it won’t be that bad, and that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. He said, “you’re making it seem like a chore, it’s suppose to be fun”. He obviously doesn’t understand- he’ll be at work most of the time, able to have drinks, not having to leave the room every hour to breastfeed. He keeps saying how it will mean extra help, but for me I don’t feel I need help as much as privacy to breastfeed and pump whenever, wherever.
Post # 4
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee
Let DH do the hosting, cooking and cleaning. Take the time you need away from the group for breastfeefing and naps. If DH wants to invite people to stay for two weeks without checking with you, he can manage their expectations. You can be polite without adding work to your plate.
I just read your update OP… if your husband will be at work, he can do the dishes and extra laundry when he gets home. If it’s “not that big a deal”, he can handle all those “not a big deal” issues on his time. I feel for you.
Post # 5
Member
7441 posts
Busy Beekeeper
To me the biggest issue here is that your husband told his parents to book the flights without consulting you. Does he have a habit of just unilaterally making decisions like this that have a big impact on you, without consulting you at all?
You are the one about to push a baby out your vag and then deal with the physical and emotional burden of being postpartum, figuring out breastfeeding, etc. If anyone should get unilateral say in who visits and when in those first weeks after baby is born, it’s you!
Post # 6
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
He normally is really good about checking with me and is considerate. His parents were saying that flights get so expensive after that date, and he knew I was okay with them being here for Christmas, so I think he was being oblivious when he said to just book it. They were thrilled and sending us messages after saying they were so happy and thank you for the invite…
the thing that bothers me is he is now telling me I am being negative. I guess he really doesn’t get what it’s like in my position. Thanks for the validation that I’m not being unreasonable.
Post # 7
Member
1257 posts
Bumble bee
“On thinking it over, that doesn’t work for us.” This should be a message from your husband, since he caused the problem. (Does he have a clue about childbirth? Send him over to DWIL to read the Lemon Clot Essay in the Sticky.)
People should wait to be invited. If people who invite themselves lose money on plane tickets, it’s entirely their own fault.
Your husband should always check with you before making plans. You’re his partner, not his housekeeper.
You should never have to entertain his guests/family while he’s at work. He should be there every minute, cooking, cleaning, entertaining. Of course it will be a huge burden, and you will be a brand new mother, trying to murse, trying to heal. This plan has got to be cancelled.
Or you could take the baby and check into a hotel.
Take this problem over to DWIL. You will find honest, experienced, wise support there.
Post # 8
Member
1521 posts
Bumble bee
He thinks it’s no big deal? Fine! Tell him he is reasponsible for his guests. He washes the sheets and cleans the room they will be staying in after your parents leave. He will be in charge of all meals had at home while his parents are at your home including any meal clean up. If that means he needs to order food ahead of time for lunches while he is at work so be it. Any food he wants stocked at your home for his parents visit he needs to go shop for. Or he can tell his parents that them helping out includes them handling their own lunches and dishes as you will be handling baby not hosting them.
Tell him that he needs to let his parents know ahead of time that you will be breastfeeding and taking time to do that privately whenever and however you feel you need to. If you excuse yourself it’s because you are taking a break.
Seriously let him know that since he thinks guests are easy he can now do the hosting of them. You’ll do your parents and he can do his. Anything you would normally do ( that I’m sure he is unaware of) he can now do himself. That should be very eye opening and prevent this happening again. You can even tell his parents that is the deal when they arrive so they have no questions and or so you don’t let them wonder why your not doing those things.
And regardless of how he feels about it, the new rule of the house is ask each other before people book trips to stay with you period.
ExpectingBee :
Post # 9
Member
2361 posts
Buzzing bee
ExpectingBee : Three weeks is a lot, I don’t have kids and even I would hate having house guests (even my own family) for three weeks straight.
Not that things need to be tit for tat, but since your family is staying for a week, could his stay for one week then get an Airbnb or hotel for the other week? That could be kind of a compromise?
Can you husband take some time off to entertain them during the day and give you a breaK?
Post # 10
Member
7441 posts
Busy Beekeeper
ExpectingBee : Ok that’s good then that this is not a typical pattern of behavior for him.
So, I’m due next week with our first baby and have also had a bit of difficulty at times conveying to my husband my concerns about what state I’ll be in after the birth. There are just so many unknowns; you don’t know how the birth itself will go and what your recovery will look like, how breastfeeding will go, what type of baby you’ll have, etc. In our case, we have the opposite problem as I want my parents to be here when the baby is born (I want my mom with me during the birth) and to stay with us for a week or two afterwards, as we live far away from all family and have no one to help, and my husband gets zero paternity leave. My husband is the one that’s super anxious about having family stay with us in our home, and it’s been an ongoing point of contention between us for months now.
Anyway, I just keep explaining to him that this is my body going through all of this, and that I’m very stressed about all the unknowns, and having my parents here to help is something I need at this time. I think now that we’re in the single digits with the countdown til my due date he’s finally getting it and has backed off somewhat with all the “but whyyy do you want your parents here??” shit that was really stressing me out.
It sounds like your husband is a reasonable person based on your update, so I’d just have a candid heart to heart with him and explain to him that honestly you are overwhelmed and a bit scared by what’s about to happen to you. It’s not you being “negative” – it’s you being realistic about the massive, massive physical and emotional changes that are about to happen to you. Hopefully he’ll get it and be willing to work with you on a plan to make things as easy for you as possible when his parents are here.
Post # 11
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
I’d be insisting on a hotel, for at least a week of their trip. And I wouldn’t be budging on it.
Post # 12
Member
747 posts
Busy bee
Did you ever discuss the length of the visit with your husband? If your parents are staying a week, I would probably put my foot down and say one week is enough for his parents and they can stay in a hotel the rest of the time (I understand it’s not a financial option, but houseguests for three weeks straight, especially with your husband at work is not necessarily an option for an introvert with a baby and a toddler who values sanity).
House guests always always always take emotional energy to host, regardless of how much they “help”. TBH it’s a big factor on why we didn’t get a house with enough bedrooms for a guest room. Your husband is expecting you to deal with his parents for two weeks. At the very least, he should be supportive of and understanding of your concerns, even if nothing ultimately changes in the plans. Telling you how you should be reacting to something and explaining how you should experience it would be a cue for a sit down talk. That is just unacceptable and he may not even realize how it feels to be on the receiving end of comments like that.
He may be a super understanding great guy, but he doesn’t sound like the kind of person who is drained by guests. I think gently, but firmly explaining your reality until it “clicks” for him would be a good step and certainly help for the future.
Good luck and do try to enjoy. Pick some fun TV series, audio book, or what have you to catch up on while you are sequestered nursing?
Post # 13
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
mrscb2bee : yes! This. A hotel for them, or if husband is a dick about it…it can be a hotel for you and baby with some peace and quiet.
My FH and I have already laid ground rules that we don’t entertain the other one’s family without them being there so I guess your hubby will have to take two weeks off work to host them properly!
Post # 14
Member
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
I guess I don’t understand why they have to stay 2 weeks. Both your families live 7 hours away but yours are only staying for a week, I’d have your husband call them and ask if they can make it a shorter trip.
Post # 14
Member
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
I guess I don’t understand why they have to stay 2 weeks. Both your families live 7 hours away but yours are only staying for a week, I’d have your husband call them and ask if they can make it a shorter trip.