House guests over Christmas with a newborn and toddler

posted 2 years ago in Holidays
  • poll: Am I being unreasonable?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 16
    Member
    7805 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I’d be very, very aggravated that he agreed without discussing it–shame on him for saying you are being negative. Having other people in your house for three consecutive weeks is taxing under normal circumstances. He’s obviously never given birth. At this point I’d be asking him how many days he is taking off work to play host and making him swear in blood he will never do this again. 

    If you can’t change it try to find some ways to make it work for you. Hopefully your parents can help you get the house ready for the holidays before your ILs arrive. His parents can watch the toddler while you get a nap in, run errands (aka visit friends, get a manicure, just drive somewhere for some peace and quiet) with the baby. If they say they want to help let them help–do they cook? Surely they can pick up take-out, wrap presents and do laundry. Hugs.

    Post # 17
    Member
    9840 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Ugh I would be super upset as well.

    If there’s no getting out of it I would be clear that HE is the one that will be doing the hosting. He can set up the beds, do all the grocery shopping, cooking etc.

    Can he take off any time at work? I’d be really pissed that he expected me to basically host the whole time while he’s working. I’d set up your bedroom with a mini fridge…seriously…

    Post # 18
    Member
    306 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Your husband should have checked first to see if you were up to having more visitors at that time. 

    But Since he said yes and they booked the tickets, and they have said they are there to help you, then take them at their word!

     Have  your husband take them to the grocery store the first day to pick out food for them and you to eat. Have him ask his mom or dad to help prepare meals each day and the other one can do the dishes. Make husband get take out if needed as well. Husband can help out at night when he gets home and it would be nice if he could  take some days off as well to hang out with his parents.  

    You need to concentrate on feeding the baby and getting your rest . Let his parents help with watching over toddler or holding baby  when you need to take a shower, take a nap, or eat. Use them to your advantage!! Hopefully they are the type who are really helpful, but ask your husband to lay out the expectations beforehand so it becomes a win-win situation. You get help and they get some time with grandkids.

     

    Post # 19
    Member
    56 posts
    Worker bee

    If the flights can’t be changed, just let your husband know that he will be entertaining and hosting his family.  Ask him to prepare outings/an itinerary of sorts for them, and plan to bring along your toddler too.  That’ll give you breathing room and let you take care of the baby on your own.  Ask your ILs to help with the toddler; I’m sure they’ll be more than glad to entertain him/her.   Perhaps with all that help, you can even sneak out yourself to treat yourself to a mani/pedi or just a bit of time to yourself. 🙂

    Post # 20
    Member
    4478 posts
    Honey bee

    You are not unreasonable. It’s one thing for the paternal grandmother to come stay with a new mom for an extended stay. The new mom will usually feel comfortable around her own mom and all the craziness going on with her postpartum body, breastfeeding, etc. It’s quite another for the parental grandparents to stay for two weeks. I would have sent him to hell for making that unilateral decision.

    I would tell him that he has to get them out of the house daily for at least four hours a day (at a minimum, maybe more) to preserve your sanity. I would also make him hire a maid to come every few days. Oh, and he is responsible for all entertaining/hosting.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1249 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 1983

    Much simpler to cancel this visit. You are not going to be able to host them, he won’t be there, and damage will be done to all these relationships.

    Put it off until the 4th trimester is over, and then they stay in a hotel and your husband should entertain them every minute they are at your house (which should be limited).

    Post # 22
    Member
    1586 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    I hope that you discussed and agreed with Dh before inviting your parents to stay for the week.  

    I think a good compromise is for his parents to cut down their visit to one week (or stay in a hotel for half of their visit) and DH takes at least 3 days off work so he can do the heavy lifting that guests incur.  

    I’d also ensure he lays down ground rules with them before arrival, over the phone or via email.  Something like “hey parents, really excited to see you!  I just wanted to make it clear that since Expecting bee will be recovering from birth and we will be both bonding with our new baby and working on a new routine for both the baby and the toddler, this is not a typical visit.  We would appreciate you understanding that we are not in a position to act like traditional hosts during this time.  We will not always be available for entertaining, and us parents will need quiet time with the baby.  We would really appreciate if you could focus most of your attention on toddler so they still feel special during this time, and will help us out.  etc etc whatever will actually help you.  Make sure your Dh is not saying this will help expectingbee – this will help BOTH of you. 

     

     

    Post # 23
    Member
    10098 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    You mean usual for the maternal grandmother to come and stay? If so, l agree, usually it’s much more comfortable to just have your own mum. 

    Pps have it , h.is going to have to step right up. 

    View original reply
    zl27 :  

    Post # 24
    Member
    134 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2008

    Hell no you are not being unreasonable! Do whatever you need to do to stop this. This is not how you want to spend your vulnerable postpartum period. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    846 posts
    Busy bee

    I would view it differently and not see myself as the host. At all. That’s way too much pressure, and I can see why you’d be upset if you’re expected to play host.

    You’re a new mom and need your space with the baby. That said, when my parents and in-laws visited, they were there to help me out. And they did. It made my life so easy to be with the baby the whole time while they took care of cleaning, making my meals, making me tea, calming the baby down when she got fussy. It was amazing to be taken care of like that. There was no expectation at all for me to play host, and it was made clear from very early on that they would only be there to help out. Getting used to each other’s parents was a mild adjustment, but minor annoyances aside- such as a temporary kitchen takeover, my husband loves it when my mom visits and I love it when his mom visits. 

    I’m not sure about the dynamic with your in laws, but it could be a fantastic opportunity to bond with them. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    1483 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    View original reply
    ExpectingBee :  “They were thrilled and sending us messages after saying they were so happy and thank you for the invite… 

    the thing that bothers me is he is now telling me I am being negative. I guess he really doesn’t get what it’s like in my position. Thanks for the validation that I’m not being unreasonable.” 

    ————

    Wanted to address this part. Since you said how thrilled they are about the “invite”, I think practically speaking, it would cause too much fallout to now tell them to not come or get a hotel.  Yes it was presumptuous of them, but I don’t think it merits a scorched-earth approach.  At least, it’s not the kind of approach I would take, because the people suggesting I do this don’t have to live my life afterwards.  

    I would do what @tiffanybruiser said, and really try to get across to your husband that you are not being negative, that you are (quite justifiably!) stressed and terrified about the unknowns that are bearing down on you. I would venture to guess that if he showed you more understanding, say if he were contrite and were like oh gosh babe, I wasn’t thinking, I’ll do everything I can to make these 2 weeks they’re here easier on you, you would’ve had a different reaction. Maybe even like yea, it is what it is now, and they meant well, so we’ll get through it.  

    Right now I think the problem is more him being all “what’s the problem? There is no problem. YOU are the problem for being negative.” So that’s what I would focus on. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    9128 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    ExpectingBee :  You are not being unreasonable. Why does it have to be 2 weeks? If they haven’t bought the tickets yet, I would try to get husband to have them adjust it to one week. If that’s not possible, can you two afford to pay for a hotel for the first week? That way you get a little break but they’ll still be with you for the week of Christmas. 

    And he’s not even going to be home during the day?! Ugh. I would be really upset about this. Can he take time off work? I don’t even understand how his parents are going to be comfortable invading your home for half a freaking month when you are post-partum and breast-feeding, while their son is not even going to be there. What do they think all those days are going to look like? If nothing can be changed, I would probably put up with it this time and try not to be TOO pissy about it since you said it’s not typical for him. But I would put my foot down that future visits will be one week max and dates must be agreed upon by both of us BEFORE making plans with the guests. 

    ETA: Oh — I forgot you already have a toddler. Maybe it won’t be so bad. The in-laws and the toddler will keep each other entertained. Maybe this will actually be ok. Not exactly ideal, but WAYYYYYY better than if it was just you, a newborn, and them, staring at each other for 9 hours a day. 

    ETA#2: Still not cool of him btw. Not letting him off the hook at all, just trying to help you dread it a bit less. He still needs to clear stuff like this with you first and he owes you something special once they’re gone. A massage or something nice. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    202 posts
    Helper bee

    100% agree with the bees who say he can do all the work to accommodate them. 

    I suggest you list off to him what some of the other bees have listed off, because clearly someone that thinks houseguests for 2 weeks starting the day your previous houseguests left, as “fun” is someone who doesn’t have the first clue what actual work is involved.

    Use every fiber of your will power to let it be a shit show if he doesn’t step up! Don’t fix his mess!

    Post # 29
    Member
    10560 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    I have no advice but I would haaaaaaaaaateeee this. So my sympathy. 

    Post # 30
    Member
    2017 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. If he’s not even going to be home that makes it worse. If you guys were both on vacation together and he could at least entertain them then that might take a little bit of the load off but he’ll be at work most of the day. I know how people are with their grabby hands when it comes to babies. “Let me see my grandson/granddaughter,” and etc. I have a friend going through this with her SO family so I see how frustrating it can be for that amount of time. I don’t mind a couple days (my husband is introvert and evena few days is a lot for him) but 3 weeks of guests is a lot even for me not having a kid yet let alone a toddler and a newborn. I vote one week in your house and the other in a hotel as PP suggested.

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