Post # 1
I have been dating my boyfriend for a few years. I can honestly say that I completely and utterly am totally in love with him.
A few days ago, I got asked (or rather told) the words that I have been waiting a long time to hear.
The problem is, it came after he was told the words, “It appears you have cancer.”
I love him so much, but I’m so confused now. I am seriously depressed by this news, and even more depressed that I feel like I should be happier with him, like maybe he needs me to pretend that I’m feeling what I would be feeling if this had happened under normal circumstances, but I just can’t. I want to marry him but I didn’t want it this way. I’ll never leave his side, that’s for sure, but I’m just not sure how I am supposed to behave in this situation. Do I tell people? Should I trust he means this and it wasn’t a knee-jerk reaction to some terribly painful news? Do I not talk about it because there are obviously more important things going on right now? Does he need me to just pretend like everything is okay so he has some sense of normalcy? Something that seems to be getting done like everyone else does it?
I just don’t care about anything about wedding planning right now, I only want to do what will be best for him. What would you do?
Post # 3
Oh, your poor, poor SO.
First off, my sympathies. I am so, so sorry that he has cancer, and I hope with every ounce of me he will fight it, and that it is treatable.
On to you:
Situations like this can really alter a person. Sometimes permanently, sometimes not, but no one goes through this and comes out the same person who went in.
Maybe he wants to ensure the best for you, come worst case scenario. I know it’s difficult to think about, but it would help both of you in the long run.
You need to feel as you feel — you’ve just been given shocking news, and I don’t think it’s necessarily because of the diagnosis he got, but maybe he’s afraid of the long term and wants to speed things up a bit. I’m sure he knows you’d be there regardless, but legally, it makes more sense to have you as his wife now as opposed to later, when he’s going through chemo (if he chooses) or other treatments of which he may not be as healthy as he is in this moment.
Don’t feel like he’s proposing just because he got bad news. Celebrate your love for one another. This is a beautiful moment and you’re hopefully only going to get one of them. Love him deeply and purely, and be expected to be his rock and his hard place when the going gets tough. I bet you already knew that, but it’s scary when it actually happens. My longest relationship (the one before this one) endured a cancer incident… my ex boyfriend’s mother suffered breast cancer, twice, in a span of a year and a half and ended up with a dual mastectomy. It’s definitely a make or break situation.
I wouldn’t tell anyone about the diagnosis, unless he asks you to. This is between you, him, and his doctor(s), so I would keep quiet on it right now. Tell people you’re engaged and revel in the beauty of it, but keep the cancer on the downlow.
I’m sending you and yours all the best. May he recover quickly.
Post # 4
How do you FEEL? How would you feel without him? Cancer or no.
I mean, it’s a valid question – Do you feel like he was inevitably going to ask you to marry him before this news, or do you feel like it was a knee-jerk? Has he been attentive to you during your times of need? It goes both ways.
Cancer is a difficult reality, yes. But so is life in general. Anything can happen to any one of us at any time.
What is the answer to his proposal you instinctually feel like saying, regardless of this news? If you hesitate due to the frightening possibilities of his cancer, well, that actually is understandable. Then in that case, be by his side and you can answer him after remission. Bottom line: accepting a marriage proposal and supporting a loved one through cancer is NOT synonymous. You can be there for his cancer healing and the marriage can happen after he focuses on his recovery/treatment. The two do not have to go hand in hand. Just be true to the situation and feelings involved. He needs to do the same. My quick assessment is that he focus, right now, on his cancer treatment and remission. Well wishes to you both.
Post # 5
@Hyperventilate: Thanks for the kind words.
@sweetpotata: I feel like it’s not real, like I’m empty inside or something, like I’ll never feel happy again until he is well, but that I have to keep moving on for him and not let him know that. I would be devastated to be without him, under any circumstance. I felt like the proposal was coming anyway, but this just prompted him to do it at this moment. I just don’t want him to wake up one morning and regret proposing. At this point, I just want him to have absolutely everything that he wants. Anything. I will do it/get it for him come hell or high water. Even in this situation I didn’t hesitate. I want to be with him and do everything I can for him in any capacity that I possibly can. My answer was “I wanted this, but not this way.” However, sometimes things are thrown at us that we would never ever choose but have to deal with. What I am struggling with is how to best behave about the situation so that I am helping him get better and not making him feel worse. I love him more than anything. If he needed a kidney and I could, I’d give it to him. If he needed to have everything done for him for the rest of his life, I’d do it for him. If he called me at 2 a.m. and told me he wanted a four course meal, I’d make that happen.
I would have done that anyway, but now I am even more determined to do anything, everything, and all that I can to help him through this.
Post # 6
Wow hun, this is a very heavy situation. I am so very sorry that this is happening but I urge you to do some soul searching. I don’t feel adequate to give you any adivce because i simply can not imagine how you must be feeling right now. My most favorite person and father figure, my grandfather, passed away from cancer and it was one of the most devastating events in my life. The one thing that I still wish is that I would have seen him one more time, told him more things I may not have, said I love you one more time… its so difficult to think about. I think no matter what you do, you have to follow your heart. The fact that a wedding is mixed into the picture is even more so difficult. You have to consider how scared he must feel, not only about the news he recieved but also to lose you.
I wish i had a solution or at least advice you could use, but I feel like you will find the way there. You just have to communicate with him, his family and yours. It might be hard to discuss certain things but you will both feel more in control if you talk about it. Keeping you in my thoughts! Stay strong. <3