- 3 years ago
Going anon for this. Just need some advice and encouragement.
My younger brother, after months of not seeming quite right, was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor. He had surgery and while a biopsy is not back yet, there’s a good chance his tumor was low grade but still cancerous. He’s only 25.
This, of course, has shattered my family. I don’t live close to home and have been doing all I can via phone and text but will be traveling back as soon as we have some sort of direction. I started a new job about six weeks ago, but my bosses have been great about the possibility of taking some time when I explained the situation. I’ve been a wreck. Crying all the time, hiding in the bathroom at work so no one sees. This is the worst thing my family has ever gone through.
My problem is my husband. Or maybe it’s me; I’m posting because I just need some clarity.
We recently moved to a new area for my husband’s professional program, which he began at the end of June. We don’t know many people in our new city yet, and I’m still getting settled. I miss where we used to live a lot, but I do like it here and am happy with that aspect of our lives. He works extremely long hours in a non-traditional job situation. He is a slave to his job, because he has to be. He cannot lose it; if he does, his career in this area is effectively over. I’m being intentionally vague here, but those of you with any familiarity may be able to guess.
My mom texted me about the diagnosis on Sunday, right before my husband left for work. He’s on a rotation working 13 hour shifts at night, six days a week and will be for the another three weeks. I get home from work about an hour after he leaves, and he gets home about 30 minutes before I get up. We see each other most of the day Saturday, and a partial day Sunday. This has been extremely challenging by itself, and now it’s just awful.
I’m really having a hard time coping with what’s going on and I really, really could use a friend. I can’t talk to my parents, because this is of course their worst nightmare coming to life and they don’t need any other stressors. I don’t really have anyone here I’m close to, and I haven’t been at my job long enough to confide in anyone there. So when I called my husband sobbing on Sunday night, begging him to come home, I thought for sure he would. But he didn’t. And I haven’t really seen him since. I’ve talked to him about how my brother is doing, and he’s done his best to check in while he’s at work, but otherwise, he hasn’t been here for me at all. And I’m really upset about that.
I know he doesn’t have the flexibility at work normal careers offer, but I thought there was at least a little. Is it so wrong for me to want my husband to be by my side through this? Is wrong to expect that he’d do a little, even if that means grabbing a cup of coffee with me after he wakes up and before work (we live about 12 blocks form my office; it’s two train stops away, and extremely easy to get to)? Or should I just back off, knowing his job is so extremely brutal that he doesn’t have much left in him by the time he gets home?
I feel so helpless and lost. I just want a hug and I have no one to turn to, and I really wish my husband could be here. Does anyone have any advice?