(Closed) How am I supposed to handle this by myself?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
47187 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

bigsadworld :  I am sorry you and your family are going through this. Fingers crossed for a good outcome.

You have told us that your husband is in a very demmanding job, one that affects his whole career. As much as you want his support right now, the reality is that he has limited ability to be there for you right now.

Do you have access to a telephone mental health or Crisis Line? They have trained volunteers who can help you through this.

http://www.cancer.net/coping-with-cancer/finding-support-and-information/telephone-and-e-mail-cancer-helplines

Post # 3
Member
819 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think it’s crazy to expect that your husband make some time for you during this especially difficult moment in your life– I can’t imagine what your family is going through right now! But it would also help to get yourself a therapist, so that you can talk to someone freely and get the support you need without getting too frustrated at your husband. It sounds like his schedule is pretty ridiculous, and with a therapist you can get time to talk to someone during the week, and have the weekends to spend with your husband.

Post # 4
Member
3823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m sorry about your brother. 

I’m not a super touchy feely person, but I do sympathize with you. I am good for logical thinking through times like this though. 

You just said that his schedule allows almost zero flexibility and hardly any time between home and work. This is something you know. It’s not built to sustain family emergencies. I’ve been in this situation before where with our first pregnancy, my husband had to go to work the day I was in labor and only spent enough time with us to get us home from the hospital after our daughter was born. Sure I wanted him around more but I also knew he was in a new job and he had to go. After I got through this vulnerable moment in life, he would still need to have a job. 

To answer your questions specifically:

“I know he doesn’t have the flexibility at work normal careers offer, but I thought there was at least a little. You know there isn’t any. You know this.  Is it so wrong for me to want my husband to be by my side through this? It’s not wrong to want it. Is wrong to expect that he’d do a little, even if that means grabbing a cup of coffee with me after he wakes up and before work (we live about 12 blocks form my office; it’s two train stops away, and extremely easy to get to)? Have you asked him to do this specifically? You could invite him. Are you waiting for him to offer? Or should I just back off, knowing his job is so extremely brutal that he doesn’t have much left in him by the time he gets home? I don’t think it has to be one extreme or the other. I think you can work with him so he can be there for you. That’s marriage. Even when you’re the vulnerable one, you still have to work with a whole other person, their schedule, and their emotional capacity. 

You must communicate and be straight forward with your husband. Don’t involve your parents. This is your marriage. Tell him what your needs are at this time and try to work with him to find a way to meet them. Good luck!

 

Post # 5
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I don’t think it’s wrong of you to wish that he had more time with you, but I don’t think you should be upset that he can’t give it. It’s, sadly, a reality of life. It’s not HIS brother, so his job has even more reason to not give him time. 

I honestly feel for you, and I pray that everything works out. Like PP have said, I’m sure there are some places you can call or go to for support. Even if you’re not religious, many churches offer support groups that you can go sit in on. 

Post # 6
Member
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

HUGS!  I’m so sorry for your situation.  There really is no great solution.  I am much like you—I’d want/need the support.  However…these are 2 very unique and hopefully both temporary situations that are unrelated to each other.  

If your husband did not commit to his job now…as you stated, his career would effectively end.  I do not know your situation, but that sounds like it would have some large effects on your financial state, your long term living situation (do you have to relocate?) etc.  So in order for the long term success of your family unit he needs this job. 

Now…for the (hopefully) short term, you are also under great stress.  He should make the time to have coffee/lunch/etc. when he’s able.  As in—if it’s not at work–he’s holding you.  It’s so very unfortunate that this is the situation, but I don’t think compromising his employment would help.  

Do you have a church? Is there a counselor with your job?  Perhaps there is a support group in your area that can help you when your husband has to be at work? 

I hope that at least, even though he cannot be there for you physically now—he does make sure you know he wishes he could.  

The bees are here for you!

Post # 7
Member
1985 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

bigsadworld :  hugs Bee. 

Of course you want a hug from your husband. Have you asked him to meet you for a coffee before his shift starts? Or before work? He might not want to in case it upsets you before work and he can’t comfort you then? 

Google cancer charities where you are. Some offer support groups. Macmillan (a cancer charity in the UK) offers like a forum like the Bee, although I don’t know how widely it’s open to people outside the UK.

I was in a similar situation. Away from my family and completely unable to help them. It’s a horrible feeling and then you’re own feelings and fears on top of that. You aren’t alone, I know it feels like it at the moment but there are people out there to talk to. I might not be any help but PM me if you want.

Post # 9
Member
1587 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

So sorry you and your family are going through this! Agree with everything that has already been said — it’s not wrong for you to want it, but it also sounds like you already know it’s not really his fault that he can’t give it. The coffee before work sounds like a great first step! Also, just because you moved doesn’t mean that you are no longer part of your old world — can you call your friends who still live back there just for a phone chat? Also it may seem counterintuitive with everything going on, but maybe consider a hobby or joining a new gym or something that will give you a positive social outlet. It sounds like some of your frustration with your husband may be due to the bigger social isolation you’re feeling, and it’s not healthy for your relationship to expect that he be your everything. This situation is hard enough anyway, but it’s an unnecessary extra stressor. Not that there is ever ever a good time for something like this, but having it happen when you are so new to a place can only make it feel that much harder. Best wishes for your brother’s health and your situation!

Post # 10
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

bigsadworld :  first of all, i want to hug you, as long as you need it.

now, back to business.

open communication is one of the strongest key to all relationship. 

men generally don’t see things as women does. heck, no one knows what the other person is exactly thinking, even twins. so, tell him how you feel, everything. tell him that you understand him as well that he is sucked up to his job and and ask him if it would not be too much of a stretch for him for an afternoon coffee with you.

as for your reaction for your brother’s situation, worrying too much will do no good. be strong. if he is terminally ill, better spend the rest of the days happy than all the frowns and tears. if there is cure on the way, then hope for the best. may i also refer you to research further about plant medicine and holistic healing. just have a few reads from that area, nothing to lose.

 

 

Post # 11
Member
3380 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry you are going through this. Can you cut out of work early to see your husband before he goes to the hospital? My husband also works 12 hour overnight shifts for several days in a row. He does not have any flexibility with his schedule, whereas I do. I don’t expect him to ditch work to comfort me. If we need to talk or have more face time, I look at what I can do to make it happen and not just at him.

Post # 12
Member
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

”Worry doesn’t take the pain out of tomorrow, it merely takes the joy out of today.”

I’m so sorry about your brother!! Worrying won’t do any good though. Don’t expect your husband to offer support.. ask for it 🙂 Tell him how you feel and what you would specifically like him to do, and meet him in the middle.

You’ll get through this, be strong for your brother.

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