(Closed) How am I supposed to keep believing in love??

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I know what it feels like to think that you will never find true love. It happens when you least expect it, hang in there. I am not going to say you are still young because that is what you don’t want to hear, but I will say you shouldn’t plan your life before life happens. Why do you want to wait two years after being married to have kids? Who knows what will happen, but I do hope you cheer up and things get better for you.

Post # 4
Member
1553 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Awww, I’m so sorry.  And I know you don’t want to hear that you are young…but you are.  And that’s a wonderful thing.  No, you aren’t 21 anymore, but you aren’t 50 either.  You still have plenty of time to make a wonderful life for yourself.  I get that your life isn’t turning out the way you planned.  I don’t blame you for feeling bad about that.  I still feel bad about many of the mistakes I made and the time I wasted…

I can totally relate to how you feel…and can tell you it can and does get better.  I was married twice (TWICE!) before I met my husband.  Neither time did I marry the right person for me.  The first time I married my best friend — which sounds like a good idea, but really, that friendship was all we had.  When he found someone else he fell in love with, I thought my world was over.  I was in my early 30s and been with him since I was 18.  I met someone else a few years after my divorce and married him because I thought it was the right thing to do…not because I was in love.  That marriage turned out even worse than the first.

So I gave up.  After the second divorce, I was just glad to be on my own.  I had my kids, my friends, my work, my family.  I dated here and there, but was happy to be on my own.  Then I ran into HIM.  A boy I had been friends with in high school.  Who I never knew had a major crush on me way back then…and still felt the same way.  I fell in love…for the first time.  Seriously.  I had thought I had been before,  but there was no comparison.  This was the right man.  Everyone in my life saw it and remarked on it.  I have never been so happy and neither has he.  Do I have regrets?  Sure, I do.  I wasted YEARS with the wrong people.  So did he.  That’s time we will never get back.  I also regret that he is not the father of my children and that I am not the mother of his….but there is nothing we can do about that now.   I AM, however, VERY grateful for what we do have, which is far better than I could have imagined.

My point? Life doesn’t always work out the way we think it should.  But even with the hurts, the regrets, the missed opportunities, you never know when the right guy will show up.  When he does, none of that really matters.

Post # 5
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

@Neva: You have an awesome story!

@mc77: I know you feel very lost and hopeless, but hang in there. Love is going to find you when you least expect it. If my life had turned out the way I had “planned” for it to, I would either be still married to a guy I was extremely unhappy with, or I would be divorced from him now. I was with someone for 3 years and thought he was it…boy was I wrong, and I’m so glad that I stood up for myself and realized it was wrong. It took 3 more years, but I found my husband and I’m happily married to him now. Hang in there…love will find you!

Post # 6
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i was totally where you were in december ’08. failed relationship possibilities and even more failed and horrible dates. i had given up, was sad, lost and jealous of all my friends who were in LTR, getting married, having kids already. my SIL was 6 months older than me with 3 kids already. in an act of crazy desperation, i actually signed up with a jewish matchmaker for a large sum of money. she sent me on a few bad dates with much older men. got more depressed. 

january ’09 i met my now husband (6 weeks after paying large sum to matchmaker). i had just turned 30. and we met in the most random of places (a meeting for alumnae of a service fraternity i belonged to in college). by november, we were engaged and in august ’10 we were married. he was in the same position – lost, jaded – when we met he was turning 29 with a divorce already under his belt.

if you had asked me even last august if i thought i’d be married by now i would have absolutely laughed at you. i guess what everyone said did happen – when i stopped looking, he appeared. and trust me, i made it really hard for him as a result of being so jaded and lucky for me, he was very persistent.

anyway i don’t have any great words of wisdom for you other than to share my experience of not meeting a guy until much later than i anticipated and truly after i had given up. it sucks – i empathize with you completely. but now that i found him, i wouldn’t trade it for the world. i have never been happier and although there is some more pressure with the ticking clock to get moving on the kids, i’m confident that things will work out the way they should with however many kids we are meant to have when we are meant to have them. he has made all those crappy dates  worth something because in the end they brought me to him.

Post # 8
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I went through the same thoughts and feelings a couple years ago, right before I met my husband…

I also went through a lot of disappointment and some disheartening relationships and experiences. I was very briefly engaged, then realized I just didn’t love him and had to walk away from that relationsihp…then I started dating someone at age 26, thinking “THIS is the one.” Wrong. That was a devastating breakup that took me months to get over, but by the time the summer of ’08 rolled around, and I was 28 years old, something new had grown inside me where that relationship had really hurt me.

I felt peaceful and happy, and had a quiet sense of faith inside that I would meet him. I didn’t know when, I didn’t worry about when, but I knew that I would.

And I did. I was 28 and he was 36. We got married when I was 30.

I know how crappy and disappointing it is to end yet another relationship, but please try not to worry about your age. I can relate to wanting to wait a couple years before having kids, my husband and I are doing the same for a few reasons–on that front, my approach is to keep myself as healthy as possible so that when the time is right for us, my body is still in good shape and can support a pregnancy; realistically I see it happening around age 31 or 32, and that is perfectly fine. Also on that topic–you never know, if you meet someone when you’re more mature and have a more soliid sense of comfort with him, you may not “need” a couple years to develop a bond with your husband before having kids. Just a thought.

I knew I’d meet my husband, but had no idea who he would be or what he would be like until i did actually meet him. But know that you will meet him, and you will. Try to live in the present and live your life as you want, and your life will bring you around to a place that intersects with “his” life.

 

Post # 10
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Another thought—

I have NEVER heard anyone say,

“Boy, I sure wish I’d gotten married younger!”

That is NOT meant as a jab at people who are blessed enough to find their spouse at a young age. The point of it is that WHENEVER it happens for someone, it is a GOOD thing, and it is the RIGHT time for that person. People don’t tend to look back at their pre-marriage days and wish they’d had fewer of them. People look back on them and are thankful for the time they had on their own to grow into themselves, enjoy life, and become ready to marry. It’s hard to realize at the time, but it’s true.

 

Post # 11
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I will also join the chorus of people who did find love when least expected. In April ’09 I was 100% over men, love and everything that goes with it. I had been through so many stressful relationships that turned out to be for naught, so many dramatic flings and too many uncomfortable, horrible dates. I declared that I was giving up on men to all my friends and ended up on a date with my Fiance a week later. Fast forward to April ’10 and we got engaged and are getting married in July.

I am 31 and I could have sworn that I would have done all this by 25. I know it sucks, but I have to say that you will likely be okay. I felt like I had more heartache than some of my friends, but they all envy the ease of my relationship. They all wish they got on so well with their SOs and were this happy. The thing about going through so many failed relationships is that you really do learn so much more about who are and how to communicate. When you meet the right one, (and he is out there!) you will be amazed at how easy it will be for you. Big hugs, it will get better.

Post # 12
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am the same age as you (well, about a year older), so I won’t say you are so young ;-P teehee.  I definitely had heartbreak before meeting my husband, including a breakup that hurt so much I didn’t date anyone for almost 2 years after. It was a devastating breakup, to say the least.

What I wonder is your statement that “another relationship that was supposed to end up in marriage is going to fail”. How long have you known each other/dated? Do you feel a pressure that all relationships you have should end in marriage? Will it “fail” simply because you are not engaged or married after 1 year/2 years/etc.?

You haven’t failed in anything because a relationship doesn’t work out. You also don’t fail in anything because you are not married by the arbitrary dates you’ve set up for yourself. You do find love in the most random places, and when you least expect it (I completely randomly ran into my now husband on the street and though we had previously known each other, we never saw each other, so had I not gone out for that cup of coffee, or him for lunch that day, at that exact time, we probably would not be together now), and the experiences you’ve had (prior relationships) do help you to figure out what sort of partner you want and need. 

In My Humble Opinion, if you set arbitrary “date certains” for huge life events, you rarely end up happy. My husband and I have a friend, who is in his late 30’s, and who decided last year that it was time to get married. Not because he was in a long term relationship (he was single, actually), and not because he loved someone….but because it was TIME. He said he didn’t want to be 40 and unmarried and without children. He proposed to 3 different women that he was casually dating over the course of about a month, 1 said yes, and now they are married and she is pregnant. They are also in intense counseling, and they are the most unhappy couple I know. But he’s not 40 and unmarried, which was his time-set goal.

I’m not saying that you will just marry some random guy – but it sounds like you have lots and lots to offer. You WILL find the right partner, one who is everything you need, and one who is on the same relationship page-book that you are. You haven’t failed in anything, and I think you keep up hope by telling yourself that and believing it! Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m 35 and going to be 36 when I get married.  I gave up a long time ago and just decided to live my life.  If everything is going to fall into place, I would let go with the natural flow.  I met a wonderful man who wasn’t anything I was looking for.  I think in life we have too many rules and checklists that we feel that we have to go buy.  We end up missing out on who we are supposed to be with.  Don’t feel bad, it would be worse if you married the wrong person and you had to end it then.  Just live your life, make yourself happy and before you know it, it will all happen for you.

Post # 16
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

((Hugs))

I’ve so been there, and I know how much it hurts. I wish I had some great words of comfort or the power to show you all the happiness and love in your future, but all I have is my own story. Maybe that will still offer you some hope?

As I said, I’ve felt what you’re feeling multiple times — when my first truly serious relationship ended at 25, when the next ended at 27. By the time my third serious, headed-toward-marriage relationship ended at 30, I was starting to panic. I played it cool on the outside, pretending marriage/family wasn’t even something I was sure I wanted, but inside I was devastated and scared. The worst part? I was the one who pulled the plug on all my previous relationships. I started second-guessing myself, wondering if I was being too picky, or if it was some sort of self-sabatoge.

Then, when the man I was certain was my soul mate rejected me at age 33 simply because he was terrified of being in a relationship with someone he was actually in love with… I lost it. I was certain my life and all hope for happiness was over. I fell into a deep, dark depression. But after about 6 months of that and a lot of praying to God/the universe/whatever for ANY sign of hope, I decided to give love… One. Last. Try.

One month later, just 2 and a half months shy of my 34th birthday, I met the love of my life. The fear, the doubts, the hurt, the worry? All gone. I have never been so sure about anyone in my life, and I know he feels the same about me. He proposed a few days before my 35th birthday, and we’ll be getting married a month and a half before I turn 36.

Is that my ideal timeline? No. Does it mean we’ll have to start working on a family sooner than I’d wanted? Yes. Even so, was he still worth the wait? Abso-frickin-lutely!!! In hindsight, I have nothing but gratitude for the failure of my previous relationships because, cheezy as it sounds, they lead me to the most wonderful man I’ve ever known. And all the changed plans and tighter timelines pale in comparison to the joy I feel having him in my life, knowing he’ll be the father of my children.

I sincerely hope the same happens for you — preferably a little faster than it did for me.

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