(Closed) How am I supposed to know if I really want kids??

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
1525 posts
Bumble bee

Get your PhD and then if you want a baby someday, have a baby. Don’t have a baby just because you feel like everyone does and you have pressure to. There’s a good chance that someday you’ll want a baby. I’ve been trying to have a baby for 3 months and some days I think to myself “Do I really want another kid?” (I’ve been the main caretaker of my stepdaughter for the past 8 months who just turned 5). It’s definitely more work, but like how you have your nephew, I just look at pictures of her as a baby, watch my friend’s babies, and I know I want that connection with my husband of creating life and having a baby that is both of us to complete our family. I see my stepdaughter as my own daughter and I won’t love a new baby more than her or anything, but it’s more of having that connection with my husband and that experience as a whole family of having a new baby that is connected to all of us by blood that is really special to me. I’m willing to sacrifice what freedom I have now (and moreso now so I can have an empty nest sooner/have them both in school sooner…but since you don’t have kids already you can wait a lot longer and do all the things I want to do earlier!)

Someday, you may want that connection. I’m glad I have my bachelor’s at least to build off of, so education is definitely something to do before if you can. I wouldn’t worry about not knowing now. I think it’s something that does just hit people some day, or could just be a possibility or become a dream someday. Some people want to be moms their whole lives, others slowly think about being moms and then decide the time is right, some people just wake up one day and all they can think about is babies. You may never want children, and that’s okay too. You may not know now, but you will someday. 

Post # 4
4029 posts
Honey bee

@MrsCreeToBe:  Sorry no great advice, but I would say that regardless of your decision, make sure you and your Fiance are on the same page. He wants children, but have you told him you are unsure? It’s not fair for him to not know what your true thoughts are and it could be detrimental for you two down the road. Be sure you are on the same page BEFORE marriage.

My Fiance and I are on the fence about children, but we would both be happy if/when we have children. Our thing right now is timing mostly, but if we didn’t have children, both of us would be fine as well.

Post # 5
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

The older I get (31 now), the less I want children. I am growing out of “romanticizing” being a mom. I really enjoy the time FH and I have with each other and I see my friends with children struggle to find couple time. 

And I feel the same way about our new nieces as you do about your nephew. Oh goodness are FH’s new nieces adorable and sweet, fun to play with? Totally! And they’re also extremely energy draining- and we spent max 4/5 hrs with them at a time, with their parents there!

it’s a tough decision… But I will tell you that I selfishly want children when I see the plumlee brothers play- I want my sons to play at duke too! So silly!

Post # 6
1066 posts
Bumble bee

After I was married I didn’t take birth control. I as about 25. We were in a good financial position and just figured if it happened, it happened.  We started our family with a lovely girl,then a son, then two more girls lol….I love children….:)

Post # 7
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

You’re only 23, so I wouldn’t sweat it yet! You’ve got several years to enjoy freedom before kids. I wasn’t that keen on kids in my early twenties, but now that I’m older, I can’t wait. I suppose the only practical concern in waiting too long (like, into your 30s) is that your body isn’t always as cooperative with baby makin’. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in ttc,  it’s that when you decide you want a baby, you can’t get one fast enough, and if your body doesn’t cooperate, you might find yourself wishing you’d gotten started sooner. 

You will know when you’re ready for a baby! Just hold it loosely with your husband and go for it when the time feels right. The next few years will be a good time for you guys to enjoy your marriage, get yourselves in a good place financially, and enjoy your twenties! 

Post # 8
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You’re only 23, you have 12 whole years to make up your mind. 

I’m 23, and I know for a fact kids aren’t ever going to be part of my life plan. Not everyone can make that choice so easily, and I don’t blame you for being confused.

That said, for the love of god don’t just have a baby because ‘you could go either way’. You wouldn’t just buy a car because you think maybe you might need a new one; don’t sign on for a lifetime committment that way either! 

Post # 9
3051 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

To me it sounds like you will want a kid eventually but can’t fathom and really don’t want one yet! I’m 23 too & I know 100% I do NOT want children. Some of my reasons are the same as yours but I don’t get the same vibe from you that you would never want kids. Not that I actually know you lol but sometimes knowing people can EXPECT you to have kids shortly after you get married can be scary & make you feel like you’re feeling now. I’d keep an open mind though if your Fiance wants babies eventually. To me that is something you should be on the same page about. I couldn’t be happier my SO doesn’t want kids either. It means we have the same general vision for our future.

My only concern is making sure you & your Fiance talk about it =) Everyone tells me “you’ll change your mind!” (even though I won’t!) but it must be true for a lot of people or I wouldn’t hear it all the damn time lol

Post # 10
8440 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@MrsCreeToBe:  I always knew I didn’t want kids.  There is no right or wrong choice, but you have to be open and communicate your wants to your Fiance.  Most parents I talk to say that having children is the best thing they ever did.  However, it’s just not for me.  I have always disclosed this fact at the beginning of every relationship, but it doesn’t seem to matter; everyone always thinks that you’ll change your mind as you get older. 

Post # 11
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I teach high school (sometimes) and being in girl-centric subjects, theres a lot of girl talk going on and the subject of babies often comes up. I tell the girls to think about all the stuff that’s involved with having a kid – the gory details of pregnancy and childbirth, breastfeeding, changing nappies, the endless housework. Then I tell them to think about the good side – cuddles with a newborn, reading stories at bedtime, having a ‘little buddy’ who adores you. If you think all the ‘bad stuff’ is worth it, then you’re ready. most high school kids cover their ears and go ‘la la la la’ once I get to the childbirth stuff, so they’re not ready.

at this point (I’m 25), I feel like it is worth it, but it’s still not something I’m actively pursuing. when I was 23, I felt like it wasn’t quite worth it.

Post # 12
1069 posts
Bumble bee

When I was younger I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted them, and I felt like I would be totally ok without any children. Then I hit around 26 and I feel like that was when I really grew up and I decided that I didn’t want my life to be without a child… even then I wasn’t sure on when I would want them and I knew it wasn’t any time soon. Then I realised that we were facing fertility struggles and, wow, nothing makes you realize how much you want a baby more than that!

I can’t answer your question because you are the only one who would really know. You might find that over time you want them, or you might not, either way is perfectly fine. Just make sure that you and your fiance are both on the same page.

Post # 13
2892 posts
Sugar bee

When you picture yourself having a baby one day do you picture your present day self with a child that happens to have a child? The reason I’m asking is because before I was 25 I felt like I needed children like I needed a bullet in my head and it was really hard imagining myself with a kid and I believe it was because I kept inserting a baby with present-day self as opposed to future self. Now that I’m 25 the thought of having a kid is now less horrifying and I’m starting to feel more ready. There are some days where I imagine it could be awesome (and I starting to feel that  “I want to be pregnant” tick). Some days I go back to thinking they’re like a bullet in the head. I’ve come to the conclusion that it isn’t so much that I NEVER want to have kids but rather that I don’t want kids for the next several years. I don’t think I’ll even be close to ready till I’m at least 27. And that’s totally fine. I have goals I want to accomplish. I have things I want to do, money I want to save and I want to take advantage of a few more years of my 20s before we’re saddled down with children. And I know getting married in the last year has made me feel a little baby pressure since our friends basically jumped on the baby-making wagon immediately after tying the knot.

But I’m slowly recognizing I’m just pressuring myself. Everyone seems to have an expectation (in my life at least) that as soon as there is marriage a baby needs to be on the way. And I was forcing myself to feel that pressure instead of just recognizing that it wasn’t the right time and that we’d start our family when we were ready (though to be honest Darling Husband is more ready than me so it’s more of a ‘me’ being ready). It might take some more introspection on your part but it’s worth taking the time.

P.S. Another thing that helped me were honest friends. The ones that didn’t pretend like they’re children were perfect and magical. The ones that were willing to tell me that sometimes their kids drive them crazy and some days it’s so hard they don’t know what they’re going to do with themselves. Those same people then showed me that despite the baby they were still able to get out from time to time, travel occassionally, and move up in their careers. Baby was not an end-all-be-all conclusion to their lives. Mom could still go out to the club from time to time while dad watched the kids. Dad could take a Saturday for himself to do what made him happy. Their kids were not 24/7 time sucks. The parents were able to preserve their identities and lives. It was certainly an eye opening relief to me because until that point I had heard nothing but “children will take all of your time from birth until forever and you’ll love it because they’re magical” and that terrified me.  So, maybe keep that in mind. Good luck, sweetie.               

Post # 14
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You are 23, you have 10 years to make up your mind. I didn’t want kids when i was 23 but the older I get the more clucky I become. Enjoy your 20’s and your new husband for a few years and stop worrying!

Post # 15
15 posts
  • Wedding: March 2013

I certainly feel the same way: I feel I could lean either way. But then when you get to “that” age and “that” place in life, kids as a concept suddenly start to make sense. I cannot say I am ready, but I certainly feel more and more open to it. I also feel that I sway back and forth, kinda like claireos

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