(Closed) How are people bad bridesmaids

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I don’t know if there really any “bad bridesmaids”, but more stories of preconceived expectations on either end, and cracks in friendships that become exasperated leading up to the wedding. 

 Edited to add a story: I was in a wedding where a fellow bridesmaid dropped out.  My friend, the bride, having a two year engagement probably asked her party too soon.  The bridesmaid in question was a more recent friend at the time.  Shortly after choosing bridesmaids their friendship became more rocky.  The bridesmaid would avoid wedding events, which is totally fine as none of those were an obligation, it was more agreeing to participate and then not showing that grated on the bride.  This all culminated at the bachelorette party where the bridesmaid blew in, picked a fight with the bride, then the bride’s sister, and then the bride’s cousin.  She left early in the evening which was a huge relief and we were able to salvage the evening and have a nice time.  The following day the bridesmaid posted all of the drama on social media.  This bridesmaid and the bride worked together at a hospital; the following day at work the bridesmaid who worked an earlier shift told the department her side of the story.  It was a mess.  Finally the bridesmaid texted the bride “I don’t think I should be in the wedding.” and the bride’s response, “I think that’s best.” The friendship was over at that point.

Post # 3
Member
915 posts
Busy bee

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asummerbridet7 :  Bee you sound like me lol. I worry about those things too. 2 of my closest friends- one is super flaky (I can see her waiting a week before to take my wedding date off) and the other is horrible with her money. I can say that if there’s girls you’re contemplating about either lower your expectations and realize they may not follow through at the end or don’t ask them (save yourself the trouble). I’ve read stories of bridesmaids dropping out. I could tell it was going to happen before it did. It’s gotta be a stressful situation (and hurtful) however you know your friends before asking them to be in your bridal party so you should have a pretty good idea of how they’ll be during the process. 

Also wanted to add that I’m currently in a bridal party and one of the girls dropped out due to the fact she couldn’t afford the dress. The bride decided not to ask everyone’s maximum amount they could spend on a dress. She ended up finding a dress and telling all her BMs to go buy it. IMO it wasn’t very nice of the bride. That same bride is my super flaky friend I mentioned lol 

Post # 4
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

Well…we kinda had an issue, but not to an extreme. I offered a Bridesmaid or Best Man spot to my husbands ex-step daughter (they always knew him as their dad, so I just consider her his daughter). His ex-step son was our best man, and his bio son was our ring bearer, so it felt right to include her as well. She accepted, but then later, she got into some drama with her dad (my hubby) and didn’t want to anymore. She was 15 then so I give her a pass for teenage angst lol. Frankly, it worked out really well.

I HAVE had friends that were either booted from a wedding, or had to boot a Bridesmaid or Best Man. My ‘best friend’ growing up got kicked out of a wedding for not wanting to follow the dress code rules (simple wedding, were just told to get X color dress and cowboy boots…she created drama and was un-invited). I think if a Bridesmaid or Best Man agrees to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, that means you wear what you’re asked to wear, but I also don’t think BM’s should have to pay for their dress/shoes/hair/makeup/accessories. I paid for all my BM’s stuff, and the only think I picked was their dress, and shoe color. Other than that, I didn’t care how their hair/makeup/nails/jewelry/shoe style was….worked great.

I think the issue that many brides ask their BM’s to pay their own way is a big factor, and if at all possible, the bride should help with cost, or cover it, as the Bridesmaid or Best Man is doing YOU a favor by being a Bridesmaid or Best Man…just my opinion though, I know a lot of budgets are tight. Had I not been able to afford their attire, I wouldn’t have had BM’s…

Post # 5
Member
2141 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I havent got married yet but im debating between 2 girls which to ask for the final spot, 1 was a HUGE part of my life in the past but if flakey as all out hell and the other I dont know too well but has the potential to be a huge part of my future as a ‘new’ member of the family

I dont think bridesmaid need any money, this is an american problem that seems crazy to me and the bride should pay for her own wedding including the bridesmaids costs… your honoring them not the other way around

Post # 6
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

A couple of my bridesmaids were not the best, but my maid of honor (who is my cousin) was the absolute worst. She became a completely different person from the moment I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and the time of my wedding.

What made her such a bad Maid/Matron of Honor was that in December, we talked and agreed to do an out-of-town bachelorette party in April, with two of my bridesmaids flying there for the occasion. I knew she was busy with school, so I planned a lot of it like booking hotel rooms and figuring out activities. Two weeks before we were supposed to go, I text her asking if we can get together to decide the final details and she responds “Btw, I can’t go. I have a school thing.” Would she have even told me if I hadn’t gotten in touch with her first?! 

A few other girls had something come up that prevented them from being able to go on the trip, so we made it a local party instead that one of my bridesmaids planned for me. The weekend of the party, she basically spent the whole time talking about “everything she was sacrificing to be there for me.”

But I could get over that. 

There was also a whole dress issue with my Maid/Matron of Honor. I wanted all the girls in my bridal party to wear the same style dress so we have a cohesive look. But she didn’t think that style would look good on her. We talked and decided that we would go shopping together to find a dress that we both like. 

A few weeks later, I get a text from her saying that she went shopping with her mom and found a dress that she wants. It was totally different from what I had in mind. So I called her and told her that it’s a completely different style from the bridesmaids and it doesn’t match my vision. She bought the dress anyway and told me it was non-refundable so I had no choice but to let her wear it.

On the day of the wedding, she spent more time getting ready than me, which made us delay our pictures. She was just super self-involved and added much more unnecessary stress to my life even though her job was to help make everything easier. That’s why she was a really bad Maid/Matron of Honor. Since the wedding, which was eight months ago, I only hung out with her once (a couple of weeks after the wedding). We used to hang out at least once a week, but she just stopped putting in any effort to see me so I just gave up.

Post # 7
Member
915 posts
Busy bee

I’m reading all these other responses and I just wanted to add to my comment about the money issue (because I personally feel the bride should pay the attire. It should be in the budget for your wedding. My opinion) that what I meant by my friend being bad with money was will she even have gas money to make it to the wedding. Will she budget enough to be able to take off the day for my wedding. That’s all I meant by the money factor ☺

Post # 9
Member
915 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
asummerbridet7 :  That’s the spirit! You seem to be headed in the right path. I’m still a waiting bee, but I think about these things too lol I think the old school sleepover as a Bach party sounds like a blast! Also I think it’s best you are waiting to ask them. I hear stories when ppl ask too soon. So much can happen during an engagement period. Have fun and congrats!

Post # 13
Member
6944 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I honestly think that 9 times out of 10 this stuff happens because the bride either has very unrealistic expectations of her bridal party or the bride has chosen to ignore her friend’s past behavior as an indicator of future behavior. 

Have a super flaky friend? Don’t expect her to suddenly get her life together and stop forgetting to text you back or cancel on your plans together at the last minute. 

Have a friend that hates weddings? Don’t expect her to ask for tons of details or help plan any events.

Have a family member you’re not super close with? Don’t expect asking her to stand up in your wedding will turn into some super wonderful bonding experience bringing you two closer together. 

You get the idea.

Post # 14
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think that weddings (like lots of other big life defining events — think births, deaths, graduations etc) have a tendency to bring out the “worst” in people.

some of it is just stress of wanting to do the best you can for that person (ie throw a big huge lavish shower with swan ice sculpture and white gloved waiters or whatever even though you only work part time at walmart and have no cash)

some of it can be jealousy (I have been with my BF for a year/10 years/whatever and it’s not fair….)

some of it can be fear/sadness/uncertainty (I am losing my BFF and now I will be alone for the rest of my life….)

some of it can just be immaturity/not knowing what to do or just not being aware of the norms (ie buying your own bridesmaid dress in the US, chipping in for the shower etc)

a lot of it winds down to brides with crazy expectations too (ie your friend with no job can’t afford a $500 designer gown even if she does eat ramen noodles for 3 months)

there are a million different reasons for people to be “bad” bridesmaids and for the most part you probably already know what your friends downfalls are so don’t be surprised when they pop up 10x more than they do usually

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