(Closed) How are we going to tell FMIL that we don’t plan to have children?

posted 7 years ago in Babies
  • poll: How are we going to tell FMIL that we don't plan on having children?
    Just tell her flat out - she'll appreciate the honesty, and get over it eventually. : (72 votes)
    59 %
    Let her believe that you or FI are incapable of conceiving. : (2 votes)
    2 %
    Don't say anything about it at all, and hope that she gets the hint. : (42 votes)
    34 %
    Other -- explained below : (6 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    11384 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2010

    Firstly I would never lie about not being able to conviece. :/

    But why don’t you just tell her not for many years. Incase you do decide later on you want children. & If in many years you decide not to, tell her.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1927 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Next time she says something about kids just simply say “We aren’t planning on having kids, it’s not something we want for ourselves”.  And make sure that is the END of the discussion.  Do not let her try to give you her opinion or tell you that you’ll change your mind.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1575 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I personally see no reason why she needs to know any details. After y’all are married, and she asks, just keep telling her that you’re “working on it” and that she will be the first to know.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2142 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I would just tell her you guys are not ready yet. After all you are only 23 so it’s not unreasonable to think that there are other things in life you want to do prior to having kids.

    I know it may seem like it will “break” her heart. But it won’t.

    ALL Future Mother-In-Law say that they can’t wait to have grandbabies. My husband and I were together for so long (11 years this nov) I’m 100% positive my ILs would have welcomed grandbabies before we got married! Thankfully his older brother had a baby and that cured their grandbaby fever, some. hahaha.

    Does your Fiance have any other siblings?

    Post # 7
    Member
    3521 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    Just flat-out tell her. Blunt honesty is the best policy in these situations. Mother-In-Law was pretty cool about the whole thing…SMIL is going to take a few more discussions, I think. But it’s our choice, no one else’s. People will get over it. The key is to be firm but polite. Rinse and repeat.

    Post # 8
    Member
    677 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I would suggest that your husband tell her, she is his mother and she needs to know this was a mutual choice, otherwise she may feel you are the one choosing not to have kids and that her son is missing out because of it. If she feels like its a choice her son made and feels strongly about, it shouldnt affect her feelings about you, and let her know you just are not considering kids right now, maybe later.

    Post # 10
    Member
    4887 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    My fiance took care of it for me – she brought the subject up and Fiance simply said “that’s not in the cards for us” or something similar.  She asked me “so you’re really not going to have kids?” and I said yep, that’s the plan. 

    I do hate to be That Girl who says that you’re so young and might change your mind because I was 23 and knew I didn’t want kids too… but really, you might change your mind.  Now I’m 30 and still don’t want them.  But that being said I really think you might just keep it as vague as you can without giving her indications one way or another.  Something like “you’ll be the first to know if we decide to have children”.  It’s really not her business either way. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    12 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I assumed my future mother in law would “figure” out kids would be out of the question- I’m 44, and my fiance is 32. But, he decided to have a vasectomy- and he told her right after he made the appointment.

    She was upset, since my finance is her only child. She was “hoping” that maybe I’d be interested in having a kid.

    I have a disability and numerous medical problems, due to an accident I had in 1997. A pregnancy would be high-risk, but why would I want to saddle a kid with a mom who isn’t interested in being a mom???

    So far, my future mom in law doesn’t say much about kids anymore. I’ve invited her to spend time with my nieces and nephew…I figured that might be a way for her to have the “kid” experience, without having the grandchild. So far, the concept hasn’t appealed to her!  (in a way, I don’t blame her. My brother’s household is pure chaos, but fun chaos!)

    Post # 12
    Member
    9824 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    Just say that you’re not ready right now, and to be honest you’re not sure if you’ll ever be ready. But you are very happy being just the two of you no matter what’s ahead in the future.

    Post # 13
    Member
    7587 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I would just tell her you’re not ready and you may never be. Leave it at that.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1089 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    Tell her you are not ready and that you will see what the future holds for you two. I wouldn’t tell her flat out that you arn’t ever having kids, because you your self said there is a possibility of it one day. You don’t want to totally crush her and you don’t really want to start off with that.

    Also I would get your Fiance to be the one to break the news.

    Post # 15
    Member
    155 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I refuse to talk about it with my Future Mother-In-Law. She hasn’t asked me directly yet (as we are only engaged right now) but I know her well enough to know that she will lay on some heavy pressure once we’re married. I intend to evade the question for as many years as I can and then when it becomes too annoying to ignore anymore I’m going to say “It makes me really uncomfortable when you ask me about my sex life with your son. Please stop.” I’m hoping I won’t have to use that line but I’m holding in in reserve.

    Post # 16
    Member
    684 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2010

    My Mom has been pushing me for years to have children. We did tell her several times that we are not going to have kids and she chooses to ignore our choice all together. She gushes about having our grandkids to play with constantly and every time she talks to me she is asking if there are any plans on the horizon. It was exhausting to tell her that it is not part of our plan. She just doesn’t get why someone would not want to have kids. I explained all my reasons and she thinks that we will change our mind. Recently I stopped fighting and explaining and just nod and say: “someday..” That seems to ease the conversation. May be she thinks if she keeps pushing and guilt tripping us, we will eventually give in. Unfortunately for her, I am not my Dad who is prone to acquiescing to her all the time. This is our life and we will not change our mind. I am getting older and pushing into the high risk category now, so I am hoping the prodding will go away eventually.

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