Post # 1
I am very family oriented. This year Fiance and I decided that we will spend thanksgiving with my family and Christmas With his. I explained this to my mom tonight..well, actually just kind of straight up said I’m spending Christmas with FI’sfamily and she got really upset which made me upset. I’ve been struggling with finding peace with not spending Christmas with my family, but I’m just so uncomfortable with it. I want to be with my Fiance and my family…very selfish, I know.
Any advice? how do you and SO work the holidays out?
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
Well, last year, we spend Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his family. This year, he is deployed and will be coming home after Thanksgiving so I’m going to visit a friend for Turkey Day and then cook him a Thanksgiving meal the week he comes home. We’ll be making the round of family visits in December (a week with his family out of state and a week with my family for Christmas, also out of state). Let me tell you, it’s so expensive for this travel, with pets to put in the kennel and flight/hotel/rental car, blah. But, we are also having our wedding planning session while we’re in FL, so that’s awesome! In future years, I’m not sure what we’re going to do. I assume alternate the holidays with parents but I kind of want to create our own holiday memories.
Post # 4
@Southerngirl4234: We’re switching off starting this year too, but we’re doing Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with my family. Would it be easier if you started off with Christmas at your family’s house first?
Do your families live in different cities? If so, how far apart?
Post # 5
We’ve got the added complication of both of our parents being divorced and everyone living in different parts of the country – my parents in Denver and Dallas, his family (mom and then his deceased dad’s family) about 4.5 hours from where we live, and my extended family being in the town we live in.
We sort of took a look at what are “big deals” to each side of the family. Thanksgiving is the big deal to my dad’s side of the family. His family thankfully has always been flexible on Thanksgiving. So we are going down there Monday – Wednesday (Thanksgiving on Wednesday), then hightailing it back on Thursday morning for Thanksgiving with my family. My dad will be in town through Friday so we’ll get to spend some time with him.
Christmas is a bigger deal to his family, so we’re doing that with them, but usually he spends a whole 10 days there, and this year we will not do that – we’ll spend 3 or 4 max. I want some time at home over the holidays and being able to see my extended family.
Thankfully my parents have been far-flung/divorced long enough to be really flexible on holidays. We’ll try to see my mom sometime in January perhaps. Maybe just I will go on my own. Or maybe we’ll go in those days after Christmas where we aren’t at his family’s? Or maybe my mom and stepdad will come back here since they have flight benefits.
The key is flexibility – and drawing boundaries, I think. BOTH of you have to decide together what you’re doing and then stick to that story with each of your families. If one spouse caves, it’s going to cause a lot of tension. And I think in these early years, consciously reminding yourself and others that your husband is now your immediate family. You & he are #1.
The other thing I would says is that FAIR is not the same as EQUAL. It very well be more “fair” to spend more time at his family’s for some reason over the years. I wouldn’t agree to a very specific switching schedule, life is just too unpredictable. For example, FI’s family doesn’t have the means to travel as easily as my family does. So we’re going to be going to them a lot more than we go to my family. Or if on my side, say someone fell incurably ill, I would expect to spend all holidays with them that year and for his family to be flexible with when we come to visit them around the holidays, but not ON the holidays. Life is just too messy to expect everything to be equal – it sets everyone up for frustration.
Post # 6
We split the holidays, especially since my family lives in NYC and his family lives in Palm Springs and we live in Atlanta. Last year my family flew down to Atlanta for Thanksgiving and then we went to Palm Springs for Christmas/New Years. This year, we spent time in October with his family in San Francisco, so we’re going to NYC for Thanksgiving and then I think we might go somewhere tropical (just the 2 of us) for Christmas.
Your family has to understand that now you have another family (his) as well as your own!
Post # 7
I think it would be easier to start with Christmas with my family and then switch off from there, but then again, I’m selfish, and want to spend black Friday shopping with my mom, aunt, and gma (it’s kind of a tradition).
All of our family lives in the same state, but his parents are divorced, they live an hour apart and my family’s house is about 4-5 hours from both of his parents houses.
Post # 8
He has to work 24 hours at the fire station on thanksgiving, so I won’t see him 🙁 I think we’re going up to my mom’s house in Lake Arrowhead for Christmas, but it’s not set in stone.
Post # 9
Well, also, we aren’t married yet, which might make it hard on my mom to understand. But, somehow, last year I knew that this Christmas Fiance and I would be spending Christmas together and it would most likely be with his family.
im just being selfish and want to spend all of the holidays with my family because that’s what I’m used to and change doesn’t come easy for me.
Post # 10
My husband works 12 hour shifts, and is working night shift over Thanksgiving and day shift for Christmas Eve and Christmas. We haven’t figured it out yet.
Any other newlyweds looking forward to having babies so the holidays can revolve around your new family? I can’t wait for my family and DH’s parents to come to US. Haha.
Post # 11
My family is coming down to visit Fiance and me for Thanksgiving. They live in Alabama, about 8.5 hours away. It’ll be nice to have them here for a few days. Unfortuantely, because of our work and school schedules, we only get to see them maybe once or twice a year. I think FI’s nephew and mother will be coming from Puerto Rico to stay with us for Christmas. This will actually be our first Christmas at home, which I’m pretty excited about! We usual travel to visit my family around that time.
Post # 12
@jackieee I agree! Fiance just asked me when everyone would be coming to our place for the holidays and I told him once we had babies!
Post # 13
Because I was raised by a single father, and I am not close with my mother or siblings, my Dad joins us for DH’s family gatherings. Instead of joining 2 families together, we’re sort of like one, big family unit. I love it. :]
Post # 14
Post # 15
We are long distance. So last year we decided to spend the holidays apart. This year we doing Thanksgiving and New Years with my family. It’s my first christmas away from my family also. It will be a little weird and maybe sad. But I’m embracing it, and instead of being sad looking forward to getting to know Fi extended family a little better
I think let your Mom calm down. Once she has a little space I think she remember it’s a normal part of life. Does she still go to her parents house everyyear? People grow up establish their own traditions with their children, go to their inlaws. It isn’t fair to your Fi for you guys to go only to your family house on holidays. Tell her you will be switiching it up every year.
Post # 16
Alternate so next year you do thanksgiving with his and Xmas with yours?
Last year we did thanksgiving apart and Xmas with my family, this year we are doing thanksgiving with his family and Xmas apart. It’s always hard deciding why to do and sacrificing but we just play it by ear each year and see what works and makes the most sense then the holidays roll around.
I love my Fiance but we are okay spending holidays apart if we can’t come up with a good plan. It really won’t be a huge deal for us until we have children. I get to see him every other day of the year but we don’t get to see our extended families as much.