(Closed) How are you handeling the tough topic? THE GUEST LIST!

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

You have to be strong, because your parents are going to ask you to add all these people!  FI’s Mom “suggested” about 30.  My Dad added 10. 

Post # 4
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee

We’re in the same boat…  Our “cap” is more financial, but we are getting the same questions.  I hate those awkward moments – when people flat out ask or just assume they are invited.  chillmer is right – you just have to be strong.  It sucks and some people will get their feelings hurt, but there’s really not much you can do about it.

Yesterday at the Easter celebration (FI’s family) his niece walks over – boyfriend in tow – to me and says “yeah… hey… so I’ve been meaning to ask, can we add Whatshisface to the list?”  They’ve been dating all of 2 weeks and he was standing right there!  I brushed her off and let Fiance handle it later.  We tend to defer to each other – he handles it with his peeps and i handle it with mine.

Post # 5
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

you have to be firm and do what’s right for you guys. We haven’t had anyone come right out and ask if they are invited but I’m sure we would try to be PC if someone did ask 🙂 I HATE it when people assume and invite themselves.

Post # 6
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

It’s tempting to answer a rude question with a snarky answer but I’ve been good so far. We’ve been using the excuse “We’re just trying to keep it small” – even though our list is already at like 260 people!!! It’s an easy excuse and it usually gets the job done to answer the question then change the subject. 

Post # 7
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Its so hard to handle that!  I always feel terrible when people ask.  But I’ve used the same statement as Dancy, that we’re keeping it really small.  They don’t have to know just how small. 

Post # 8
Member
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My mom’s “friend” list is over 40 people long.. but she is contruibuing quite a bit of money, so I can’t really fault her for wanting to have her friends there.  We are trying to go with the flow of the guest list.  If we go a couple hundred over in food, we are okay.  I just left room in the budget for a few more people than I anticipated coming – just to be sure.

Post # 9
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - Mr. Turtle's Grandparents' backyard, Arroyo Grande, CA

Ooooh, I HATE guest list awkwardness. It’s totally the worst part of wedding planning. I’ve even cried over our guest list a couple times. But I know that deep down, I want our wedding to feel small and intimate, so as hard as it is, that’s what I tell people. “Sorry, as much as we’d love to include everyone, we decided to have a small wedding!” Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I hate it too! I have actually had people ignore me at functions because they know they arent invited! I swear if we had the money we would invite everyone and their mother but we are having 80 people close friends and family, I would never treat someone like that if they didnt invite me to their wedding, its crazy what we have to go through

Post # 11
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Fiance and I had most of our wedding-related fights over the guest list.  We had agreed on 175, but with his mother’s additions, it crept up to 215.  The final tally ended up being 65% his guests, 35% mine, which I thought was totally unfair to me.  I didn’t want to add anyone to my side to even it up, though.

So far, the only person who actually ASKED if he was invited was my ex-boyfriend!  I wouldn’t care if he came, but it might be awkward for him.   I wasn’t invited to his wedding, but there was no way in hell I would have gone because I wasn’t over it yet.

Post # 13
Member
521 posts
Busy bee

Wow. Now that you mention it, perhaps there will be some guestlist drama. I know about 35 folks (including plus ones) that we will invite. My parents passed a long time ago, but his mom may want to invite some of her local friends. It sounds like they might be helping with the reception food, so…the more the merrier! The chapel holds only 60 tho.

Post # 14
Member
521 posts
Busy bee

A guy who I dated for 3 months when I was 18 (I’m 49 now) invited himself to my wedding, which hasn’t been set yet! At least it was via Facebook, so I could just ignore it. I will have to be careful  not to give too much away on Facebook until afterwards, since it’s a CLOSE friends and family only thing!

Post # 15
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Like PPs have stated, we go with the whole “We’re keeping it a small wedding.”  We’re paying for the whole thing ourselves, so if they push, we bring that up. If they get really rude & hint like, “What, aren’t we close?” or “Well, we invited you to our wedding?”, I usually lay on the guilt/get a bit snarky (b/c they asked for it at that point), like: “I DO consider you a friend, but since your marriage, we’ve drifted apart, what with new relationships…” or “Thank you so much for including us, but when you got married, the economy was so different/there weren’t the state budget cuts (I’m a teacher)/ it’s tough when you’re doing it on your own, y’know (oh, well maybe YOU don’t *said to rude guest)?” 

Most people take the hint at the first “we’re keeping it small” clue…and it never comes up again.  For the people who ARE invited, we’ve let them know who in that group are invited so they don’t accidentally bring up  the wedding in front of mutual acquaintances who aren’t invited. 

Post # 16
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My RSVP’s started coming, and I got my first “write-in” guest yesterday.  UGH.  My FI’s aunt and uncle, who have like 7 kids wrote “and also Amy” at the bottom.  Amy is their 20-year old son’s girlfriend of about a year.  That makes 10 people for one family!  I’m letting Fiance deal with it.  We only gave +1s to single guests coming from out of state, and people who live with/are engaged to their significant other.

Does a college kid who lives at home REALLY need to bring a date?  It’s not like there aren’t going to be a million of his cousins to talk to.  I just think it’s rude, too.

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