Post # 1
I know there are a few threads on this topic, but not so sure about ones specific to out of town family. My husband and I moved across the country a year ago, so family is a 4 or 2 hour plane ride away. I told him that I would prefer if people don’t come out to visit for about a week after birth, and he thought that was ridiculous. In my mind, having people from out of town means they will be up in our business all day every day for at least a week or two. I personally want us to bond as a family and don’t want to be overwhelmed by making sure family is amused while on their “vacation”. My husband is very close with his family and already bent out of shape about missing Christmas with them (our EDD is December), so part of my reaction does have to do with the fact that he seems to not be able to grasp the idea that the three of us will be our own family and should bond together. Has anyone gone through this or anticipating a similar situation? Am I being ridiculous for wanting alone time? How are you/did you handle this in your family?
Post # 2
whitums: I’m in the same situation. We’re on the opposite side of the country and I just had a mini freak out about how stressed I felt about everyone wanting to come back to back until December (Mid-end September baby!) wheb we leave for the holidays to go visit them :/
my parents are coming up a bit before and for the birth. All of my Grandparents had already passed away before I was born, so I wanted Grandparents around for the birth. Then DH’s parents (divorced, but in good terms!) are going to come up one after another…For about a week or 5 days each. My parents are older and more parent/Grandparent types. I know my mom will be the biggest help with a new baby so I wanted them to be here a bit longer.
DH’s parents are more of the ‘Need to be entertained’ and ‘hosted’ type (his dad anyways) so I told him that with a new baby I don’t want to spend a while month hosting them only to be leaving for holidays which will be a new and stressful experience (I’m sure it will be great also!) so we need some transition and family time. I’m going to ask him if he can space out his moms visit a bit after my parents leave so we can be just the three of us for a bit 🙂
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
I have been struggling with this same idea, our families don’t know yet, but we are due in January, so we’re missing christmas too since I wont be able to fly. Fortunately, Darling Husband doesn’t really like anyone (except me and Jelly Bean) so he’s not pushing for anyone to visit. We’re actually thinking of telling people they can’t come until Valentines day (about a month after our EDD) but he’s letting me set the timeline.
Post # 4
We lived on the opposite side of the country when Dear Daughter was born. Dh’s dad came out when Dear Daughter was about 5 days old (I think), and stayed for about about a week and a half. He was really helpful by doing the dishes, taking the dog out, holding Dear Daughter while I took a shower when Darling Husband wasn’t home, and making lunches/dinner. I don’t feel like it hindered our bonding with our baby. My mom flew in the day DH’s dad left and stayed for almost 2 weeks. It was great to have her there and she was so helpful with the baby especially. I didn’t want her to leave! My sister came while my mom was still there, and she definitely wasn’t as helpful, but it was still nice for me to have company when Darling Husband was at work. Keep in mind that this was all in a 1 bed/1 bath apartment.
I think it depends on what your family is like, but I was extremely happy for all the helping hands I could get, and I didn’t feel like I had to entertain anyone.
Post # 5
My sister is out of town and is super high maintenance. She’ll come visit and stay with us for a couple of days after baby is born (anywhere from 1-3 weeks later). My mom only lives 1.5 hours away and will be staying with us for a couple weeks after baby is born to help. My mom will stay when my sister is here too, and she will be responsible for ‘hosting’ her, as well as anyone else who wants to visit.
I don’t think we will need family bonding time alone at the beginning, and will just need all the help we can get! But I do want all the family to meet the baby right away.
Post # 6
DH’s family are all a 2 hour flight away. With our first, his parents flew in a month after the birth. They did this on purpose to give us some adjustment/bonding time before having guests in the house. They stayed a week, it worked out smoothly.
Of COURSE it’s not rediculous to have at least a week to yourselves! Your body has just gone through something HUGE and you deserve alittle time to rest and bond with your baby before having your inlaws in your face every second. I think you should try to reason with your husband a bit more; buy him an appropriate book, have him speak to his friends who have had babies, etc.
Post # 7
I think it depends on a lot of things – especially how comfortable you are around his family and how helpful they will be. The first week after birth is pretty rough. You’re leaking out of everywhere, you are probably super emotional from the hormones and sleep deprivation, and (if you’re planning on breastfeeding) you are still in the stage where feeding the baby takes a long time with your boobs all out everywhere… I mean, I was a hot mess the week after my son was born. I was happy to have visitors for a brief period of time (like an hour or two) but it wasn’t until the second or third week that I would have been ready for in-laws. For me, it wasn’t about bonding, it was that I barely felt human and needed to be a tired, leaky, emotional hot mess in private.
With that said, my mom came to stay with us the third week after my son was born, and she was a godsend. She helped with the cooking and cleaning, she taught me some parenting tricks and – most important – she took a few overnight shifts with the baby so I could get some sleep.
So basically – if they will come over, make you dinner, clean your bathroom and you don’t mind having them see your nipples, then sure – have them come right away. Otherwise give it a few weeks!
Post # 8
It really depends on how big your house is, what kind of houseguests his family is (if they are helpful or not), etc.
I live in an urban area and we have a small place–a 2 bedroom condo. We live far away from both of our families. We’d planned for my mom to come stay with us (we needed the help because we moved 1 week before my LO was born), and then at the last minute, his parents asked to come because of a family wedding nearby–this was a week before my due date. I was SO WORRIED that I would go into labor with everyone at our house and that I would hate it. And I did go into labor….
BUUUTTT although it sounds like a nightmare in the making, both my mom and my Mother-In-Law are super helpful around the house–my mom unpacked our entire house for us, cleaned out our old apartment, cleaned our new apartment–EVERYTHING. My Mother-In-Law did almost all the cooking while they visited. My Father-In-Law helped my husband do a lot of projects–(install a new ceiling fan, paint, put together Ikea furniture), and my only job waas resting and taking care of LO.
Anytime I wanted a shower or a nap, I had 3 grandparents willing to take LO. Any time I needed something, we had 3 grandparents who would go get it for us. I didn’t lift a finger the first 2 weeks I was home from the hospital.
It was pretty stressful when they all left, actually because then I became so sleep deprived.
Post # 9
I just have to answer your questions because I have gone through this exact situation and have already made up my mind when baby #2 comes along what I will do! My parents booked their flight to come out 11 days after my due date months advance. My Mother-In-Law (she’s retired so has some flexibility) decided she’d come out a couple of weeks before the due date in case baby was early and she’d stay with us until my parents got here (then she stayed with friends of ours). Baby showed up 10 days late so my parents were staying with us the day after she was born for two weeks and then my Mother-In-Law was over as well during the day.
It was TOO MUCH. Day 3 after her birth I was a mess with a day of baby blues (no long term PPD). You’re just breastfeeding all the time (or formula but still feeding baby all the time, and so tired. Nobody minded if I napped but I also wanted to spend time with my parents so I didn’t. And personally, showering when baby is that little is super easy. Just put them in their swing/bassinet/of baby holding device in the bathroom and you’re good to go! Having suppers made all the time was great, but stockpiling freezer meals before the birth is also a solution to having food on hand.
It’s hard to day how you’ll feel about which way you’ve decided to go until you’re in it. I thought the way I went would be great. Turns out it wasn’t. Next time I don’t want anyone visiting until two weeks later (I don’t mind local short visits, just no out of town visits). I’m not sure how well that’ll turn out as my parents will need to make plans in advance and due dates are just an estimate. We’re hoping to be out of our tiny house into something bigger by the time we have a second child, and my Mother-In-Law is living locally now so these are factors that’ll help for sure.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2011 - Boy #1 12/2015, boy #2 02/2018
whitums: I have no advice as I am in a similar boat, and even worse my potential graduation will likely be before my due date. About a week apart. I don’t want people at my place when going in labor. Maybe just my mom and younger sister as she has to come along. My due date is also close to Christmas, so we might end up with a late Christmas celebration if baby is born late. Like you, I want some time to bond with baby without having to attend to visitors (immediate family) as they live far except for my mom. Also, we have at three bedroom house so not so much space for everyone to come at the same time. It’s 5 people on DH’s side and 8 on my side including my two nephews. Decisions decisions.
Post # 11
We are trying to figure this out too. Dh’s parents live in Europe, last minute flights aren’t really an option. And they can’t drive over here, so they are pretty stuck with us. We have a 4 bedroom house with a suite we’ve set up for them for visits.
I’m leaning towards having them come out 2 weeks after our due date. In all likelihood, they baby will be born. In the off chance that he isn’t here yet, I’ll have to deal with it. My biggest concern is early labour at home with them here. I don’t know that I want anyone here with us going through that (I just have no sweet clue what to expect). I do want some time just for the 3 of us, but I could see how helpful they would be!
Post # 12
whitums: my parents are divorced AND both live across the country from us. My mom really wanted to come right after my due date but I told her I couldn’t deal with the pressure if baby is late and she’s sitting around waiting for it to happen. Especially if I ended up in the hospital for 3 days because of c-section or something. So I’m making her wait 10 days because I don’t think my doc would let me go more than 41 weeks. I think it would be more helpful to have her here once my husband has to go back to work too, but if baby is late we won’t have much choice. As for my dad, I asked him to visit a month after her due date to give us time between visitors. I also don’t imagine my dad being as helpful so I’d rather him come once we’re at least starting to get a routine (hopefully) and a handle back on real life lol.
Post # 13
whitums: You are absolutely NOT being ridiculous! Your husband actually sounds like he’s being pretty immature and unsupportive 🙁 Im sorry if this sounds harsh but Im assuming he took *some* part in this whole baby-making process and now hes ‘bent out of shape’ that he can’t go home to his mommy for Christmas???? That man needs to grow up and realise that his growing family is his first priority, that his wants and needs come second and that his parents requirements come waaaaayyyy down the list. Im a midwife, I care for families in a continuity of care setting which means I care for them throughout pregnancy, birth and post-birth for up to 6 weeks. While every family is different, I strongly advocate new parents minimising visitors in the first week at least. Your instinct is totally right, you need peace, privacy and bonding time in that vital period. You clearly arent totally comfortable with your in-laws staying (jeeez, who is?!!) so now is the time to lay down ground-rules: channel into your mamma-bear instinct if you have to and protect that time with your new little-one. Good luck bee!!
Post # 14
sostobe: Your situations sounds a lot like mine did. I knew my Mother-In-Law could be here when I went into labour and, like you, I didn’t want anyone else but Darling Husband involved. We basically told her to just stay out of it and/or take a walk but I’m much more polite words and she listened well. We’re in a tiny house and she totally just hid downstairs and I honestly forgot she was here. I also had a very short labour too which helped there. The fact that you have a suite is so great! Just tell them to go down there and you’ll let them know if you need them! 🙂
Post # 15
whitums: You know, it can be quite helpful to have people around after birth, to help out and feed you and do some laundry and stuff, but it requires balance, and having guests that can pick up on your cues.
Tell your husband that if he wants his parents to come visit, they have to help out and make your life easier, and not more difficult when you are already in a tired, overwhelmed, emotional state, or just wanting to bond with your baby. Tell him you will not entertain his family, and that he will need to get the point across. That is, if you are willing to accept having them visit.
Also, he might be afraid and intimidated and want support in order to figure out how to support you.
The first week after getting home, we had quite a few visitors. Sometime it was fine, other times it was overbearing. Eventually, whenever I and the baby were getting worn out from the visits, I would just say that I was tired, or the baby was overstimulated, or that i wanted to nurse in private and I would go to another room, or my bedroom and make myself comfy. Fiance could deal with the visitors until I felt like coming out, or they left.
Don’t feel pressured to stay around during visits, and don’t feel guilty or awkward for walking away when you need to. Every little thing to help you retain your sanity and wellbeing counts- it’s the most important thing!