(Closed) How are you “keeping the peace”?

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think DIY is a total mystery to a lot of family members… I’ve gotten the same reaction that you got from your mom with things I want to DIY (cake, paper goods, etc) and it stings, especially when it’s an idea you’re really excited about. 

Our biggest compromise, however, has been guest list. We really wanted an intimate wedding, no more than about 125. Our parents were really upset at the thought of a lot of their friends not being there, though. They strongly feel that people who “saw us grow up” should share in our day. Of course, that’s not totally the case, because my mom wants to invite one of her work friends from a job she started when I was 17. And R’s parents are inviting people he hasn’t seen since was 6. But, it’s important enough to them that they’re willing to pay for the difference. So no matter how much I’ll miss the venues that could have been, or the luxury of recognizing everyone at my wedding, we’re letting our parents have this proud moment. 

I still get really jealous when I see brides with small weddings though!

ETA: Our total guest list as it stands is invite about 185, plan for 175, hope for 165 or less… lol!

Post # 4
3563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Our officiant choice was a HUGE deal with my parents. My dad refused to attend the wedding if we didn’t have a rabbi. Fast forward through a month of hysterical crying on my part and complete ridiculousness on his part, and we ended up finding a rabbi. So that was a huge compromise on our part, since we originally didn’t want a religious officiant at all–we wanted someone non-denominational.

Re: the flowers, I guess the upside is at least you’ll have one less thing to worry about doing right before the wedding! I totally get giving in to parents because it’s just not worth the effort to drag out a long talk/argument.

Post # 6
1981 posts
Buzzing bee

My mom reads wedding blogs and I have to say, she’s been really good about going with my DIY b/c hey, we’re on a budget too! (Who isn’t these days?) However, I would never in a million bazillion years tell any of my relatives or my FILs/their relatives how much I am DIY-ing… they have no idea i made my Save-The-Date Cards, nor that I’m making my invites and everything in between, and they would think the same as your mom! I think the only thing I compromised on was keeping my Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses black…

I totally get where you’re coming from. Why can’t people keep their opinions to themselves so I don’t have to compromise?! Haha, just kidding.

Post # 7
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Fiance and I wanted to do an outdoor ceremony, with a friend acting as officiant. My father is extremely Catholic – we had a knockdown dragout, me crying loud talk (my family doesn’t “fight” but this was as close as we’ve ever gotten) that resulted in me exclaiming that neither of us even beleive in God and we hate church and WHY CAN’T I HAVE A WEDDING THAT REFLECTS ME DAAADD.

I found a really pretty non-denominational church with gorgeous windows and I felt I was making a huge compromise agreeing to a ceremony in a church.  I took my Dad there, hoping he’d appreciate my effort at having a church wedding.  Unfortunately he hates it and really thinks I should get married in a Catholic church and I know he’s going to be unhappy.

But there are some compromises I’m NOT willing to make to “keep the peace”.

Post # 9
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

We kept the peace with a LOT of compromising on our guest list. We ended up inviting people we REALLY didn’t want at our wedding. A couple came, most didn’t (thank god), but the thought of them attending, even though we knew it probably wouldn’t even phase us on the wedding day, boiled our blood.

Post # 10
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I definitely have learned to “give in” a lot more than i wanted.

I didn’t want the big white wedding.. my parents and Fiance wanted one..so we got one.  ANd basically it’s turned into my mom’s wedding.  I had a say on some things, had to put my foot down on one (she didn’t want me to have a tier cake and I did…i wanted chocolate though and am stuck with vanilla…).

Basically it came down to – i got to choose my Maid/Matron of Honor (she chose my BMs..but they’re family and future family, so I would have chosen them myself anyways), my Fiance (haha), my venue, my invitations.

That was it.

She even signed a caterer before I saw a menu..but when she mentioned “prime rib” it won me over.

Thankfully she has fairly good taste and since she’s paying..well, it’s a MUCH fancier wedding than I would have put together (and double the guest list at 130 guests).

On the side of my Fiance.. he has been SO sweet during the whole process and has let my mom run the show as well.  Made it a lot less stressful.

Post # 11
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

So far I’ve kept the peace by changing the date, the colors, and Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses.  It’s absolutely true when they say a wedding isn’t about it being “your” day.  I’ve very much reached the whatever stage of wedding planning, so most of it doesn’t bother me anymore.  How I’ve dealt with keeping the peace- I just don’t mention any decisions to those who have been the most critical, and I think everyone is happier for it. 

Post # 12
1565 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve gone through a lot of “keeping the peace” (though my family actually encourages not wasting money on stationery and flowers, so I’m lucky on that front). The key, I think, is to choose your battles. And have really good reasons for doing something your way. And sometimes be sneaky and tell people after the decision’s already made. 

We’ve compromised on everything from guest list to Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses to what kind of hairstyle I’m going to have. We are holding our ground on our ceremony, the timing of the reception, etc. 

Post # 13
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1998

My mom desperately wants to walk me down the aisle with my father, and for Fiance to break the glass. Both Jewish traditions, which we aren’t 100% thrilled about as neither of us is religious AT ALL. It’s also weird, because the woman hasn’t been to synagogue since my Bat Mitzvah, but she seems really attached to the idea, so we’re doing it.

Post # 14
3563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@SweetAdeline: sounds exactly like my dad. I was never even bat mitzvahed–raised with almost no religion, and yet he seems to think it’s a MUST that we have a rabbi, do a prayer over Challah, etc. I don’t get it at all.

Post # 15
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I luckily had to compromise on very little – inviting my great aunts and uncles, and allowing my younger cousins to come.  In the end, it was a great decision and I”m so glad that we decided to do it. But, we also paid for the wedding ourselves so that may have had something to do with it

Post # 16
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

To keep the “peace”  i’ve kind of stopped telling people about stuff. I have my blog that I don’t think too many people know about other than fellow wedding planner peeps.  

Our original plan to was to have a very low key backyard wedding, which was immediately vetoed! Then it was the black bridesmaid dresses that sounded too much like a funeral. No tuxes, which was a hard sell to my Fiance. Red converse which some people still cringe about. OH and EVERYONE freaked out when I wanted my dog to be the ringbearer.

SO far I’ve only compromised on the venue….otherwise I’m doing the rest of it and I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really care what anyone else says. You just eventually get to that point or you’ll go nuts trying to please everyone.

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