Post # 1
So we all know it….. weddings are not only about marrying the love of your life and making a ceremony that reflects the two of you… they are also (unfortunately) about appeasing those who have opinions and keeping things as drama-free as possible.
I just saw a post about someone who finished her beautiful DIY bouquets and it made me think…. I am TRYING to do a budget wedding and one of the first items I would cut is flowers. I don’t care for flower centerpieces (especially in winter), and as far as bouquets why pay all that money when I can do it myself with fake flowers for half (or less) the price? Well when I first told my mom that she flipped out. Unacceptable. It was like I’d told her I was going to wear a bathing suit down the aisle. She is not even okay with me ordering flowers in bulk and making them the day before the wedding (she says that it’ll be too hard and I’ll be too busy and they won’t look good). So in all likelihood, I’m hiring a florist. I don’t like it. But– this seems to be a MAJOR issue for her and its just not work fighting about to me. We’re also probably going to invite children because she has made an issue of that. Once again, I don’t like it— but I’m just not sure its worth the fallout.
So girls… what have you compromised on? How are you keeping the peace while wedding planning?
Post # 3
I think DIY is a total mystery to a lot of family members… I’ve gotten the same reaction that you got from your mom with things I want to DIY (cake, paper goods, etc) and it stings, especially when it’s an idea you’re really excited about.
Our biggest compromise, however, has been guest list. We really wanted an intimate wedding, no more than about 125. Our parents were really upset at the thought of a lot of their friends not being there, though. They strongly feel that people who “saw us grow up” should share in our day. Of course, that’s not totally the case, because my mom wants to invite one of her work friends from a job she started when I was 17. And R’s parents are inviting people he hasn’t seen since was 6. But, it’s important enough to them that they’re willing to pay for the difference. So no matter how much I’ll miss the venues that could have been, or the luxury of recognizing everyone at my wedding, we’re letting our parents have this proud moment.
I still get really jealous when I see brides with small weddings though!
ETA: Our total guest list as it stands is invite about 185, plan for 175, hope for 165 or less… lol!
Post # 4
Our officiant choice was a HUGE deal with my parents. My dad refused to attend the wedding if we didn’t have a rabbi. Fast forward through a month of hysterical crying on my part and complete ridiculousness on his part, and we ended up finding a rabbi. So that was a huge compromise on our part, since we originally didn’t want a religious officiant at all–we wanted someone non-denominational.
Re: the flowers, I guess the upside is at least you’ll have one less thing to worry about doing right before the wedding! I totally get giving in to parents because it’s just not worth the effort to drag out a long talk/argument.
Post # 5
@lilyfaith- ugh– that must be frustrating! I hear that is a pretty common issue. Luckily neither of our parents have that many friends and the ones they do i’m inviting anyways because they actually *were* a part of my life growing up. I do think the DIY thing is a mystery. Like– they think its going to look like a 4th grade diorama project or something? haha i dunno.
Post # 6
My mom reads wedding blogs and I have to say, she’s been really good about going with my DIY b/c hey, we’re on a budget too! (Who isn’t these days?) However, I would never in a million bazillion years tell any of my relatives or my FILs/their relatives how much I am DIY-ing… they have no idea i made my Save-The-Date Cards, nor that I’m making my invites and everything in between, and they would think the same as your mom! I think the only thing I compromised on was keeping my Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses black…
I totally get where you’re coming from. Why can’t people keep their opinions to themselves so I don’t have to compromise?! Haha, just kidding.
Post # 7
Fiance and I wanted to do an outdoor ceremony, with a friend acting as officiant. My father is extremely Catholic – we had a knockdown dragout, me crying loud talk (my family doesn’t “fight” but this was as close as we’ve ever gotten) that resulted in me exclaiming that neither of us even beleive in God and we hate church and WHY CAN’T I HAVE A WEDDING THAT REFLECTS ME DAAADD.
I found a really pretty non-denominational church with gorgeous windows and I felt I was making a huge compromise agreeing to a ceremony in a church. I took my Dad there, hoping he’d appreciate my effort at having a church wedding. Unfortunately he hates it and really thinks I should get married in a Catholic church and I know he’s going to be unhappy.
But there are some compromises I’m NOT willing to make to “keep the peace”.
Post # 8
@sah- that is so hard! that was another area that my family was not thrilled about for me (there are lots of them)… Fiance is not religious and did not want to get married in a church. I told my family though that I didn’t want to get married in a church because I don’t want them blaming him. They were pretty unhappy about it but we *are* going to ask my aunt (who is a minister) to officiate so I feel like it is a compromise on the religious thing.
Post # 9
We kept the peace with a LOT of compromising on our guest list. We ended up inviting people we REALLY didn’t want at our wedding. A couple came, most didn’t (thank god), but the thought of them attending, even though we knew it probably wouldn’t even phase us on the wedding day, boiled our blood.
Post # 10
I definitely have learned to “give in” a lot more than i wanted.
I didn’t want the big white wedding.. my parents and Fiance wanted one..so we got one. ANd basically it’s turned into my mom’s wedding. I had a say on some things, had to put my foot down on one (she didn’t want me to have a tier cake and I did…i wanted chocolate though and am stuck with vanilla…).
Basically it came down to – i got to choose my Maid/Matron of Honor (she chose my BMs..but they’re family and future family, so I would have chosen them myself anyways), my Fiance (haha), my venue, my invitations.
That was it.
She even signed a caterer before I saw a menu..but when she mentioned “prime rib” it won me over.
Thankfully she has fairly good taste and since she’s paying..well, it’s a MUCH fancier wedding than I would have put together (and double the guest list at 130 guests).
On the side of my Fiance.. he has been SO sweet during the whole process and has let my mom run the show as well. Made it a lot less stressful.
Post # 11
So far I’ve kept the peace by changing the date, the colors, and Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses. It’s absolutely true when they say a wedding isn’t about it being “your” day. I’ve very much reached the whatever stage of wedding planning, so most of it doesn’t bother me anymore. How I’ve dealt with keeping the peace- I just don’t mention any decisions to those who have been the most critical, and I think everyone is happier for it.
Post # 12
I’ve gone through a lot of “keeping the peace” (though my family actually encourages not wasting money on stationery and flowers, so I’m lucky on that front). The key, I think, is to choose your battles. And have really good reasons for doing something your way. And sometimes be sneaky and tell people after the decision’s already made.
We’ve compromised on everything from guest list to Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses to what kind of hairstyle I’m going to have. We are holding our ground on our ceremony, the timing of the reception, etc.
Post # 13
My mom desperately wants to walk me down the aisle with my father, and for Fiance to break the glass. Both Jewish traditions, which we aren’t 100% thrilled about as neither of us is religious AT ALL. It’s also weird, because the woman hasn’t been to synagogue since my Bat Mitzvah, but she seems really attached to the idea, so we’re doing it.
Post # 14
@SweetAdeline: sounds exactly like my dad. I was never even bat mitzvahed–raised with almost no religion, and yet he seems to think it’s a MUST that we have a rabbi, do a prayer over Challah, etc. I don’t get it at all.
Post # 15
I luckily had to compromise on very little – inviting my great aunts and uncles, and allowing my younger cousins to come. In the end, it was a great decision and I”m so glad that we decided to do it. But, we also paid for the wedding ourselves so that may have had something to do with it
Post # 16
To keep the “peace” i’ve kind of stopped telling people about stuff. I have my blog that I don’t think too many people know about other than fellow wedding planner peeps.
Our original plan to was to have a very low key backyard wedding, which was immediately vetoed! Then it was the black bridesmaid dresses that sounded too much like a funeral. No tuxes, which was a hard sell to my Fiance. Red converse which some people still cringe about. OH and EVERYONE freaked out when I wanted my dog to be the ringbearer.
SO far I’ve only compromised on the venue….otherwise I’m doing the rest of it and I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really care what anyone else says. You just eventually get to that point or you’ll go nuts trying to please everyone.