Post # 1
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
My husband’s guest-having style really irritates me. He doesn’t mind people who invite themselves over on a whim or inviting folks over on a whim, wheras I need some notice.
For example, one of his cousins is leaving tonight. He was here allll week on break. So my husband goes to visit to say goodbye, then he texts and says that his cousin (19) will be stopping over to hang out and record music on our computer for a bit outta nowhere.
Our house is still a mess from the holidays (we cleaned up the gift stuff but that’s it). I’m the primary cleaner, both of us work and I leave way earlier than he does and get home way later than he does. So I usually wait until the weekend to clean up the mess from the week (we have cats and they leave fur, etc.).
Today I get off early and I’m tired as hell. I wanted to take a nap and then get to cleaning. I’m so pissed his cousin is coming by. Did I mention this will be his FIRST time coming over? It’s so aggravating. I like to have the house straightened up before company comes by, to me it’s impolite. Am I too uptight about this? Growing up my parents also HATED drop-ins.
And it’s always like “Oh they’ll be here for a little bit” and that turns into hours. Sigh.
ETA: Mind you, if he did this like once or twice, fine. But he does this alll the time! He’s used to his friends coming over to his house no matter what condition. We need to find a compromise.
Post # 3
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
Ya, I don’t do pop-ins either. I live in an apartment building, and took my name off the buzzer for that reason.
Likewise, I’d never dream of popping-in to someone else’s house (though obviously in the case above, the cousin was invited).
Post # 4
Member
5965 posts
Bee Keeper
Pop in all you want, if you don’t give me notice, don’t expect anything amazing…a real person lives here, not Martha Stewart.
Post # 5
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
@Nona99: +1. Since this is your husband’s style, I think a compromise is in order. He can invite people to drop in, but he has to be responsible for all host duties and he/his guests can’t expect a perfectly clean house.
Post # 6
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
I don’t even like having people over when I get notice. We live in a small apartment. I don’t like wearing pants at home. I like to come home from work, change, eat dinner, and veg. I do not want to visit with people, especially because even a “quick” visit turns into, “Okay, you need to go the fuck home now.” I also go to bed early.
I came home from work once to find his brother over. I wasn’t even warned. Apartment was dirty, cat was terrified, and I was very, very unhappy.
Post # 7
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
@msfahrenheit: Since this is your husband’s style, I think a compromise is in order. He can invite people to drop in, but he has to be responsible for all host duties and he/his guests can’t expect a perfectly clean house.
It sounds like her husband doesn’t mind if the place is messy when guests come over. I’m like the OP; the house doesn’t have to be magazine ready for pop-in guests, but I don’t feel comfortable having people in my house when it’s obviously overdue for a straightening and cleaning.
I inherited my uneasiness with pop-in guests from my mother, who would feel deeply ashamed if anyone happened to see an un-vacuumed floor. I strive to overcome that because I think it’s a nice quality to be “open” and relaxed toward visitors. But I still don’t want visitors in a dirty house, so that means I and my husband need to do a better job of keeping on top of cleaning!
@LadyLuna711: If you have a much longer work day, it seems unfair that you get stuck with all or most of the cleaning. Especially given your husband’s fondness for inviting people over at the last minute.
Post # 8
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@LadyLuna711: I think that you need to learn to relax a bit regarding the cleaning. If he wants to have guests drop by then fine… but he can’t possibly expect you to clean up first… and you should probably relax the cleaning standards a bit. I see that as the only compromise since it seems like your SO probably won’t stop w. the spontaneous visits.
I don’t like people dropping by either… and they normally don’t… but I can totally relate to how you feel. I just think you’ll be happier overall if you relax a bit. I am guessing the majority of visitors your SO brings are young males… I am sure that none of them notice if something is out of place or there’s a bit of cat hair.
Post # 9
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@vorpalette: I think you’re my twin 🙂
Post # 10
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
@Eglantine: I understand, but I guess I was suggesting that she take a more relaxed view towards his guests. Otherwise, as you suggested, she and her husband can come up with a chore schedule that keeps the house cleaner on a day-to-day basis (ie vaccum every other day, never dishes in the sink, etc etc). I just don’t think it’s fair to completely disallow his guests because he likes having them over and he’s not the one expecting OP to do a bunch of extra work.
Post # 11
Member
504 posts
Busy bee
I like a lot of people and chaos. My house may not be pristine but there’s plenty of food, sarcasm and love for all.
I used to be really uptight about having the place in tip top shape.
Then I got old (cancer)
Post # 12
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
Wow, I didn’t know so many people were so anti-drop in! I personally do not do the drop-in, but we welcome friends and family to the house, especially when they’re close to our age (it would be weird for a 50-something aunt or parent to just drop in, and neither Darling Husband nor I would be cool w/ that).
May I ask how old you are? Darling Husband and I are in our mid/late 20’s and many of our friends still live at home, or live in tiny/crappy apartments, so we are happy to share our home with our friends.
BUT… I don’t clean up the house just for friends coming by. It’s nice enough of me to have them over; I’m not a freakin hotel. If anyone is going to judge me and my hospitality based on my house being messy after Xmas, then I don’t want them to come over in the first place.
And I must echo PP’s in saying that if you both work full time and you work longer hours, you should not be the sole house-cleaner. Tell him to either clean up (give him specific tasks that are always his, so he knows what’s expected) or that you’re going to hire a housekeeper to come every other week. Darling Husband and I both work 5-7 days a week, and we eventually just got a maid to come 2x a month and it’s a godsend.
Post # 13
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
I’m not really one for pop-ins. It drives me mad, honestly, but I strive for the level of Southern hospitality that my mother always showed. We’re dealing with this today. SO’s brother and his girlfriend are at SO’s parents for the week from California, about an hour away. We’d said if they want to come over this week, no problem, we’d be happy to show them the town. They texted us this morning saying they’d be here at 1. So I cleaned the house all afternoon because I couldn’t handle the idea of them coming into a dirty house, and I still haven’t vacuumed. I’m stupidly house-proud, I think it does me in. I should’ve been more on top of the cleaning, since I knew they might pop by, but I let it go too long and had to blitz everything.
Of course, they’re running 2 hours late and won’t be here for another half hour. It’s making me crazy. They keep texting that they’re going to be another half hour behind, and then another. I’d love to say, actually, we’d rather you came a different day as it’s going to be nearly 4 by the time you get here, and I don’t have dinner for you guys, but that feels rude as sin. Sigh.
Post # 14
Member
8279 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Ugh I hate drop-in guests. Thankfully it rarely happens! I always like to have the house clean if anyone is coming over, even if I know their house is always a disaster when we visit.
Post # 15
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
We are actually guilty of doing this “pop-in” stuff…. I especially. One of my best friends lives down the street from me and if I know she is home, I will drop by without notice. She dosn’t mind and does the same thing to us. Most of our friends and family are like this. I try to keep the house tidy at all times because well just in case…but if its not…I don’t worry too much about it. I figure it will be less cleaning that I have to do over the weekend and I prefer to literally do nothing over the weekend. I guess we are just that type of people that if we know you, come on in! You don’t even have to knock!
The only person that really worries me, is my Mother-In-Law in fact. One time our security alarm went off when the sensor fell and the cops showed up. She was nearby so she met with the police and did a walkthrough just in case. The house was a mess and I was very embarrassed. Ever since then….the house is spotless….
Post # 16
Member
2205 posts
Buzzing bee
wow I love having guests and always welcome them… we have friends come by at least 3 or 4 times a week and I would be really sad if I had to extend a formal invite every time I wanted to see a friend. I probably have at least a girlfriend but usually 2 or a couple here more nights of the week than not (We specificially chose to live within a few blocks of friends so they could just pop in). The only time I get a little annoyed is if I have steaks or something ready for dinner and my veggie friend swings over… I feel bad giving her side dishes only but I can always make up a grilled cheese or pasta if need be.
I guess it depends on the company however… if its our friends (ie our age) then I don’t mind just stopping by however if he was like bringing his boss home for dinner that would be a different story.
We try to keep the place generally clean and have a cleaning lady come every other week (she just left about 10 min ago so if the boss wants to come over right now I am all for it!) When its just a girlfriend or something its not usually for us to all be in our PJs hanging out and watching a movie or something till bed time then I kick her out when we make the move from the couch into bed.
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