(Closed) How bad is this when we argue and he does this….

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
486 posts
Helper bee

OP take a deep breath and reread through your post!  Then end this toxic relationship.  Walk away and fast nobody should be treated like this or put up with this abuse.  Deep down you know this- that’s why you posted!  So here it is – permission to leave.  And if I were you I’d be telling him to go fuck himself as I walked out that door.

Post # 17
Member
619 posts
Busy bee

Oh honey.

He’s mean. And mean don’t change.

This is emotional abuse. It is not normal, it is not okay, and it will not get better. I’m so sorry. Please get yourself out of there.

Post # 18
Member
644 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
old-hollywood: His behaviour isn’t common at all. He is definitely being emotionally abusive. You’re clearly not ok with it and you shouldn’t have to be. He’s making you walk on eggshells and him having ‘not yet hit you’ isn’t a positive – it’s just basic human decency.

To be honest, I would say cut your losses and leave him (he’s not going to improve with age or when he feels he has you locked down as his wife), but at an absolute minimum, you need to talk to him and he/you/both of you should maybe consider some type of counselling. Good luck.

Post # 19
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

Hi there OP, this is my first ti,e on the boards after lurking here for months- and this is also the first time I’ve felt the urge to write a comment on a post. Please excuse my grammar errors i’m typing this quickly at work haha. Your post resonated with me so much as it sounds like me two years ago.

Let me tell you, this is wrong on so many levels. I know because i’ve been there, exactly where you are now. My ex was a master manipulator- also anal about keeping things tidy around the house and being extremely picky about the way I did things. He put me down just like your partner is now, the cusswords, the emotional abuse, the control…- and please believe me when i say this- it made me ILL. He made me feel like i was crazy- like nobody else was like me, like there was something wrong with ME!

You say you’ve been depressed, but have you thought that your partners behaviour is MAKING you depressed? Thats how it was for me. Three years of absolute hell on earth- medication, therapy you name it and I couldnt shift the way I felt- I didnt realise I WAS BLIND! It wasnt till I left this arsehole I lived with- that I TRULY recognised myself. I felt lighter than i’d ever felt when I didnt have that negative influence on my life that my ex weighed me down with.

Now I’m not saying that without therapy your partner can change-but from the sound of your post he sounds ike hes been like this for a while. Have you spoke frankly and honestly about the way he makes you feel? have you suggested couples therapy/ induvidual therapy? Explore these options TODAY. Don’t delay it either- for your childrens sake- even though this may not be infront of them all they’re gonna pick up on is there mumma being sad and down all the time. Nobody wants there kids to worry about there mum!

This relationship will get worse- i can garantee you that. Thankfully, my ex got physically abusive to me ONCE and that was enough for me- I was out of there like a shot, but i have more LASTING emotional issues from the emotional abuse he gave me!

Get your kids, and GET OUT. I cannot stress this enough to you- and only return IF he changes his ways. You are worth more than this guy is giving you. Listen to the other bees- if this was your mom sister or friend- you would be echoing our words!

 

Post # 20
Member
4078 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

This is no way to live.

I hope you heed the advice here and get out.

Post # 21
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
old-hollywood:  It is common… If you’re in a abusive relationship. And it was all too common for me. I swore reading your post sounded just like me. My ex sounded just like that, but he was also physically, sexually abusive as well. And no, that is not healthy at all. I was with my ex for 8 yrs. Finally left and seen a huge difference on life and how you should be treated. 

 You think your kids don’t hear when he calls you names or if they don’t, I’m sure they see that you’re not happy. You can’t be in an unhealthy relationship and still have a happy loving relationship with your kids if you’re depress. I would have a serious talk with him about getting counseling and changing his behavior if you want to stay with him. 

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by .
Post # 22
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

My Fiance can be a bit of a neat freak, and he can be a bit critical, but he would never speak to me the way that your SO speaks to you. This is not ok – if he cares for you then he needs to understand that his behaviour is hurting you. And if he isn’t prepared to try and change his behaviour, well then maybe he’s not the right person for you. 

 

You ou need to make him understand how this is affecting you – if you’re having trouble saying it then consider writing it down. And he needs to understand that if he doesn’t make an effort to work on this then the relationship is in danger. 

Post # 23
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
old-hollywood:  Apart from the two kids, I could have written this post a month ago. I mean, I literally could have written it to the letter, right down to clothing piles. On Monday I packed up my stuff and I walked. Was it easy? No. Is it for the best? Hell yes. You are a wonderful person and worthy of so much more, please hunny – get out xxx

Post # 24
Member
9919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

He sounds like a douche.  I wouldn’t put up with this if it were me. Just because he hasn’t physically hurt you doesn’t mean he hasn’t hurt you — you sound emotionally/mentally hurt, and that’s just as bad, if not worse. 

Post # 25
Member
3014 posts
Sugar bee

I have been married for 26 years.  If my husband treated me like this I would leave him. 

Being female does not mean you have to be ultra tidy to be womanly.

No one should be mocked for expressing how they feel.

No one should have to be put up with being sworn at.

You are kind and loving.  He is mean and swears at you.  He makes fun of you when you are upset and practises something called ‘invalidation’.  He may be nice sometimes, when it suits him, but he behaves and talks as though your feelings do not matter.  He makes sure that he insults you when no witnesses are present.  He doesn’t appreciate you and does not look after you in the way that a real man would.

This abusive behaviour has got to stop.  If it doesn’t then you will completely lose your sense of self worth and this will affect your children badly.

My advice would be to leave him or insist that he leaves.  If you marry him it will only get worse. 

If you have to talk to him be clear with him.  No swearing at you ever again.  No blaming.  No nagging.  No invalidating.  You don’t deserve to be treated badly.  And what’s more, you are not going to put up with it.

Good luck.

 

Post # 26
Member
2585 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree with the above posters. This is abuse and it’s very sad that he is treating you this way. None of what you described is normal. I would NEVER tolerate anyone speaking to me like that and you shouldn’t either. Please get out of there Before it turns physical! I was in an abusive relationship and was lucky to escape with only a broken nose. 

View original reply
NekoKitten:  Good for you! 

EDIT: OP I just read your previous threads and YUCK! You are doomed if you marry this turd. Doomed to a life of cheating, disrespect and unhappiness. The choice is yours. people usually learn from their mistakes. I’m not sure you are one of them. 

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by .
Post # 27
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

That is not normal, not okay, and not an acceptable behaviour. He’s got issues that aren’t going to fix themselves.

Post # 28
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
old-hollywood:  If he wants a maid, he should hire one. You’re his partner and deserve to be treated as such. I’m not saying my partner and I don’t fight, swear or get mad. It’s not abnormal to disagree. What sounds problematic is that you always have to worry about his reaction whether it’s about clothes or your iPad. You’re not there to solely please him!

Post # 29
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Norton Country Club

All I’m seeing are red flags all over this post. I am sorry that someone would speak to you this way, but I really want to encourage you to stand up for yourself and consider leaving. Your thoughts, emotions, and feelings are valuable. You deserve respect and care. 

Any man who is ok with calling the woman who is supposed to be his partner a bitch or a cunt is NOT a man worth tolerating. He sounds like a controlling, emotionally abusive jerk. If his good qualities are that he hasn’t hit you (yet) and doesn’t call you names in front of the kids, that’s a really short list. Please also remember how smart kids are- they hear him whether he does it directly in front of them or not. Your children are learning that THIS is what a relationship is like… 

Please look out for yourself and your kids. This is not normal, this is not safe, this is not ok. You can get out of this and there are people who would help. 

Post # 30
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

He is abusive. You should deal with a guy like this by breaking up permanently.

Have somewhere safe to go when you do though…

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