(Closed) How bad is this when we argue and he does this….

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
978 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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a_day_at_the_fair:  I got through about 10 sentences before I heard enough. Girl, you gotta go because that is just awful. You need to get out like NOW.

Post # 32
Member
38 posts
Newbee

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old-hollywood:  I’m so sorry you are going through this 🙁 it is 100% not normal and not a healthy relationship. I have been with my Fiance for 5 years and he has never called me even one of the names you mentioned, even though at times I might have actually deserved it! I don’t call him names either and we don’t yell at each other, even when we argue. I was in an unhealthy relationship prior to being with Fiance and it was a lot like you describe. Even though at the time, I made excuses to stay and tried to think of good things in the relationship, once I actually left and had some distance and time I saw the relationship for what it was-a living hell. You don’t have to live that way and you deserve better!! 

Post # 33
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

No that does not happen to me. My husband had called me a name maybe twice in our 13-year relationship (and vice versa), and we both felt terrible an apologized profusely when we did it. That is not normal and not ok. 

You sound like you know this is not how anyone should be treated by the person they love, and who supposedly loves them. It’s not your fault he’s anal about housework and you’re not. He sounds like he at the very least needs to get counseling for his anger issues and emotional abuse. If he reuses, or if this continues, you deserve someone who treats you lovingly and with respect. That is literally the very basis of a healthy relationship and you do not have it. 

i’m sorry, hugs! You deserve way better than this!! Think about the example you want to set for your kids! Even if he restrains himself now, they will still pick up on this and it’s almost guaranteed to get worse over the coming years. The fact that you’re saying “at least he doesn’t hit me” is such a giant red flag 🙁

Post # 34
Member
2585 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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old-hollywood:  I made a previous comment but I have to ask. You’ve been in 2 abusive relationships In the past, Why are you marrying into a 3rd? It’s not too late to cancel this wedding.

Post # 35
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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old-hollywood:  The more I read about this man the less I like the cut of his jib.

He is abusive and controlling and things will only get worse if you marry him. Nobody should ever, ever, put up with being treated as you are and while he may not have physically abused you yet, he will. Of that I am certain. 

It is not “good” that he hasn’t hit you, because in a healthy relationship it’s a GIVEN that physical violence plays no part. Unfortunately, because you’ve had abusive relationships in the past, I suspect you are comparing your Fiance against the lowest common denominator. But you can do SO much better! Trust me! 

I am not at all surprised that you’ve suffered from depression but you shouldn’t be blaming yourself. Your Fiance is single-mindedly damaging your self-esteem and confidence and this is all part of his control. He is also setting a worrying example to your children. Do you want them to grow up thinking that emotional abuse and control is a normal part of a relationship?

Of children, I wonder what your advice would be if your daughter came to you and told you the story you’ve told us. I suspect you’d tell her to run for the hills!

I realise that you are in the middle of wedding planning but trust me, no amount of money already spent on your wedding makes it worth continuing in this miserable situation. I strongly advise you to get help here, be that from your parents and friends or from an organisation that deals with domestic violence. 

Post # 36
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Run…and don’t look back

Post # 37
Hostess
9666 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Wow. There’s nothing I can add here that hasn’t already been said. Just another adding to the chorus of this is emotional abuse, he is not treating you like a true 50/50 partner, and you deserve to be treated better. Especially as a mother, you need to be on your best game everyday – your soon to be husband should BUILD you up, not tear you down.

Post # 38
Member
10196 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Of course you’re depressed– you’re being emotionally & verbally abused.  Unfortunately, all you can do is leave.  You can’t fix him.

Couples’ counseling with an abuser is dangerous, but you would benefit from counseling on your own.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

 

 

Post # 39
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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old-hollywood:   The way he fights isn’t normal or healthy.  He’s verbally and emotionally abusive to you, extremely so.  Sooner or later if you stay with him this will kill your soul.  Study about the Cycle of Abuse and educate yourself about this.  I’ve been there and it’s like living in hell.  Nobody deserves to be treated that way.  Would you treat your best friend or child that way?  No, of course not.  Love yourself enough to understand you deserve real love, and real love does not hurt. 

FWIW, from what I know of abusers they rarely change.  They already think they’re perfect and you are the one who’s wrong, so they don’t think they need to change.  It sucks being in a relationship with a man like that.  I divorced a man like that, who eventually also became physically abusive. 

Now I’m married to a man who is my best friend, lover and protects me.  He’s never even raised his voice to me, let alone criticized or cursed me.  He really loves me.  It’s a much better life for me now.  You can find that, too.  Let go of the bad one so you can find the right one.

Post # 40
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Grandma\'s Oak Tree

Sweet girl, get out NOW! I agree with the previous posters. This is emotional abuse that YOU DON’T DESERVE. It’s obviously that you two have two completely different expectations about the cleaning that goes on and I know it sounds silly to say “We couldn’t make it work because of the cleaning.” However, no one deserves to be spoken to like, regardless of the reason. If he’d be willing to compromise, it’d be a different story. He sounds very unreasonable and honestly, I wouldn’t waste my time trying to reason with him.  Take your children and go live the life you deserve! Good luck honey!

Post # 41
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

I was in a relationship like this with my eldest daughters father! He wwould, mentally, emotionally and physically abuse me. It’s easier said than done to leave. It took me 2 years after realising how bad the relationship was to actually pack up mine and my daughter’s life and start again! I moved back home with my parents, met someone else about 6 weeks later and then we moved in together! Things got worse when I found my man it was so bad that there is a restraining order in place and my ex has been told by the courts that under no circumstances would he be allowed to see our daughter unsupervised! It’s been nearly 4 years and he’s never bothered with her!

 

What I’m saying is.. This behaviour is not normal! Name calling is not right in the first place but when someone who’s supposed to love you calls you names it’s definitely bad!! Would you want your daughter or son in a relationship like this? Put your children and yourself first!

good luck with whatever you decide! 

Post # 42
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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old-hollywood:  I’m sorry. My father was like this when I was little and it only got much worse as I grew up. I would whole heartedly recommend separating. My mom stayed ‘for the kids’ and I can tell you it was much more emotionally scarring to live in that household than to have separated parents. At the very least leave for the children. This is not normal or healthy. If you convince yourself to stay now it may be harder to leave in the future. My mother is still with my father and I have been out of the house for 7 years, my little brother for 3.

Post # 43
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Op I’m sorry you are going through this. I have been there and dealt with it for five years and had a child with the man. He may not be physically abusive but with thesr guys more often than not they do over time. It took my ex two years to put his hands on me, by the end of the relationship he had begun not only hitting but choking three times daying how easy it would be to snap my neck.

The worst of the abuse was the emotional abuse. Being made to feel worthless and that everything is your fault. If you didn’t do x than y and z never would have happened. Vut it is not your fault, you are not too sensative and have dealt with it long enough.

I urge you to look into narcissistic (spelling?) Personality disorder. My ex has it and it sounds like your guy might too. My ex still to this day minimizes his role in my leaving him saying I shouldn’t have taken it all so seriously, I was too sensitive, it wasn’t that bad, etc. He had me doubting how bad it really was but no partner should treat you this way. If you can think of your children marrying someone like him and be happy with it, flaws and all… maybe stay and learn better methods of communicating. But if you fear them being in a relationsgip like yours, get out now. If you keep it up they will learn and see that as normal.

My daughter sees the clear difference in my relationship with my husband vs the relationship her father has with his wife and she is only dix (I left when she was a baby). She understands already healthy vs unhealthy behavior in a relationship thankfully, had I stayed she would have likely made tge same mistake I did when marrying her father, thinking abuse is normal and acceptable in avrelationship. I am so thankful she has my wonderful husband to show her the way real men treat their family.

Post # 44
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I stopped reading after “he mimics me…”

My god, OP, please leave him. This is all emotional abuse.  A real partner would never say or do those things to you.

Post # 45
Member
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

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old-hollywood:  No, this is not “normal”- leave him, now. He’s emotionally and mentally abusive and trust me, it will not get better, it’s only going to get worse. Since this has been going on for years, it doesn’t sound like a mistake he’s made once or twice, it sounds like this is who he is as a person. I’m not sure how much, if at all, counseling would help this situation. For your own sake, I plead that you leave him and eventually find a man that you can have a healthy relationship with and that respects you. Ask yourself these questions: Am I willing to put up with this for the rest of my life? CAN I put up with this for the rest of my life? Even though he doesn’t call me names in front of my children, do they deserve to have a step-dad who treats their own mother like a bag of dirt?   Girl, you need to stay emotionally and mentally stable and healthy for the sake of your children, too. Staying with this guy will not make that easy. Good luck, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.  

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by mdcmod.

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