(Closed) How bad is this when we argue and he does this….

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

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old-hollywood:  this is most definitely not normal and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. If I were you, I’d leave him.  Name calling is never ok, under any circumstance.

Post # 47
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

All the other PPs have covered everything I could ever say and more, so I’ll just add another person saying:

Leave him now.

Post # 48
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

OP. i’ve posted again to just say i’ve read your older posts about this guy..

Wow, this guy will not change

He is NOT worth it

Do NOT marry him.

Post # 49
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

You need to think about it this way–are you okay with him talking to your kids this way? Because I gauruntee you, without a shadow of a doubt, the day will come when he will. My father was emotionally and verbally abusive to my mother (as she was to him as well) but never spoke to myself or my sister that way when we were younger. 

As soon as we started growing up though, around the early teenage years, that changed and we got the verbal abuse as well. I think he stopped seeing us as innocent children and more as ‘adults’ and therefore okay to take out his anger on. The putting you down, the insults abouthow your cleaning isnt good enough, and especially the mocking and making fun of you as you cry–literally everything he did to my mom, and everything he did to myself and my sister (and continues to do to this day when we fight, and we’re both into our twenties at this point).

Its not okay for him to treat you like an emotional punching bag, and its not okay for you to be putting your kids in the same potential situation either. It will be YOUR fault if they get abused, because you didnt leave when you needed to.

Lastly, you need to change your profile picture, because talking about this situation on the internet with both your faces showing isnt smart.

Post # 50
Member
3848 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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old-hollywood:   That is emotional abuse and cruelty.  Abuse in any form is damaging and is NOT part of a healthy relationship.   He does not need to use those words to express himself, but he chooses to.  

Abuse tends to worsen over time, and if you marry and have children you know they will be treated the same.  

Abusers NEED a victim.  Let him find another.  Getting out may not be easy, as it is simpler for him to reel you back in than to groom his next victim.  I hope you will be able to get out.

I have walked in your shoes, twice.  Never again.  Huge HUGS to you.  Keep it touch, we’re right behind you.  

Post # 51
Member
4682 posts
Honey bee

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old-hollywood:  Your Fiance is abusive. PLEASE don’t marry this man the way he is treating you. If you don’t want to walk away, get some counseling at least. No one should have be treated like that.

Post # 52
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Please do not marry him!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!

Post # 53
Member
8462 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Would you be okay with him saying these things to your children when they get older? Because he probably will.

No this is not common and yes he sounds like an awful person. I would leave.

Post # 54
Member
2563 posts
Sugar bee

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old-hollywood:  Please leave. He is an asshole.

NO IT IS NOT NORMAL FOR US GIRLS! I am so sorry he treats you this way, no one deserves that. I am sure he has good qualities too, but do they outweigh being emotionally abused? I could never be with someone with such little compassion  and would make fun of someone and tease them when distraught and crying.

That is great he doesnt call you names in front of the kids, but how does he treat them? Does he get mad when they dont clean up? Is this the type of relationship you would like to set as an example for your children?

SO has raised his voice to me once in our relationship. Not to say we don’t fight, but it never gets to the point where he becomes that angry and starts swearing or name calling. It sounds like you are trying to justify his actions by saying “well at least he doesn’t hit me” and while yes, that is great – it doesn’t mean you should stay and take his crap.

Wishing you the best of luck in finding your happiness.

Post # 55
Member
702 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Jeez, OP, if you’re going to show yourself you love yourself just once in your life – let it be now and leave him. Honestly. Do it. Like yesterday.  

Post # 56
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

No this is not normal!

He sounds like a narcissist (lack of empathy). Hate to tell you but you are in an abusive situation. I strongly suggest seeing a councler immediatly. He needs to learn how to relax a bit and to argure like an adult instead of resorting to name calling.

Think of it this way. What advice would you give your daughter if she told you this story?

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by .
Post # 57
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

 

RUN!!! RUN NOW!!! 

He sounds super emotionally abusive.  Calling you names like that is not normal in a healthy loving relationship.  Even getting upset that your Ipad is making clicking noises when you type.. That’s insane.

Also don’t think that your 2 kids don’t know what is going on.  My parents had this type of marriage.  They would never argue in front of us or while we were in the same room as kids.  But we always knew what was going on and the awful things they would say to each other. 

I know 6 years is a really long time.  But you can’t walk on egg shells for the rest of your life with this boy.  Because that is exactly what he is.

Post # 58
Member
7111 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

This is definitely not normal! My husband has never called me names. I think he did say “f*ck this” during a fight once in the 6 years we’ve been together.

Most relationships have fights now and then. But people need to know how to fight. It sounds like you guys could benefit from some rules to fighting. Like no name calling. It’s a communication issue and a respect issue. 

I think the way that your husband is treating you is utterly unacceptable. It’s possible that you guys could figure it out but that would take him recognizing that he is doing something inappropriate. If he can’t do that then I would consider leaving. 

Post # 59
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

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old-hollywood:  “Is this common for you girls?” NO! It absolutely isn’t! Like many of the previous posters said, this is ABUSE, it may not be physical now but all it would take is a really bad day for him and some mouthing off from you before it could go there. This is a RED FLAG if I ever saw on!

You are walking on eggshells, in your home and in your relationship. That is NOT what it should be life, especially if you are going to marry this man. It will get tougher and tougher and before you know it, it will affect your children and possibly how they talk to you because they see daddy do it. If the dozens of comments on here dont give you the strenght that you need to stand up for yourself and walk away, then you will need to hear it from your family, from his family or from a profession. THIS IS NOT OKAY. and no matter how much cleaner you think you can be or how much more quiet you can make the ipad, he WILL find something else to nitpick about.

I cant tell you what is best for you or for your family, but i can say this, if I were in this situation (which I have been but without children involved and with physical abuse)… I WOULD LEAVE! (the hiting and the cheating is where i drew the line and left) Please be careful! I will say a prayer for you! But leave this man alone!

Post # 60
Member
2883 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I made it to about the 4th line. Leave him immediately.

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