(Closed) How bad is this when we argue and he does this….

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

NOT ok……..you shouldn’t have to put up with being talked to like that!

Post # 62
Member
2585 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I still can’t get over the fact he gets annoyed by the sound of her typing. That’s all kind of psycho. I would love the opportunity to meet this special asshole. 

Post # 63
Member
1767 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

He sounds like my dad. A piece of shit human being. You need to leave him. You will be better off and your kids will thank you later. 

Post # 64
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

pretty mean (in my opinion) – this translates to me that you’ve told him that you think he’s mean and he has manipulated you to think you’re weak and that you’re wrong. 

he’s never hit me or physically hurt me Which is also good. – no that’s not good… the fact that your relationship is so bad that you have to use that as the “good” side in your relationship tells us HOW BAD it is

he has called me a bitch, slob, fucking cunt – the only names he should be calling you are baby, sweetie, honey, babe, etc.

 he makes fun of me if I cry – he is belittling you and does not care about your emotions. Why do you want to be with someone that doesn’t care enough to be hurt if he made you cry?

womanly duty to be tidy – not all women are tidy, myself included. If he cares so much he can carry that burden alone. 

Is this common for you girls? No. I was in a manipulative verbally abusive relationship before, and this was common. I got out. I healed. I met the man of my dreams would never treat me like that. EVER. You deserve to be loved for exactly who you are and never be asked to change for someone else. Even if you love them. 

Please please please GET OUT. NOW. 

View original reply
old-hollywood:  

Post # 65
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
old-hollywood:  Big hugs.  I agree with everyone, you need to get him out of your life in as safe a manner as possible. Call a local crisis line, they can connect you with organizations like the local women’s shelter to get you out of your house as safely as possible.

 

I get from what you say that you don’t have anywhere to put your clothes and he bitches they aren’t tidy. Does that mean that he DOES have that room and you don’t? I think that says a lot right there about where the priorities lie in his eyes.

Post # 66
Member
4835 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
old-hollywood:  Let me play this back to you:

“He tells me I’m over emotional about things and I need to get a grip.”

So he’s the one who flies off the handle and starts yelling and calling you names if the house is messy…and YOU are too emotional?  YOU need to GET A GRIP?  Sounds like he needs to take a page from his own book.  

Listen, I’m not going to say you should necessarily walk out.  But he needs to get this crap under control.  It’s one thing to have a temper (not a good thing) but it’s another to not realize that HE is the cause of his own temper.  That’s really concerning.  He is far from the only partner in the world who gets frustrated by differing levels of cleanliness.  Amazingly, not every one allows themselves to yell at and berate their partner about this issue.  He’s being a bully and holding you accountable for his actions, which is not right.

Maybe counciling, maybe leave him.  Not sure.

You asked for the experience of others: while my DH and I do have fights, he has never yelled at me and has never called me a nasty name.  He has also never told me to shut the fuck up.  He has actually never cursed at me.  One time he was annoying me and I told him to “fuck off” and he was pissed at me and teased me about it for the rest of the day, even though I appologised the minute it came out of my mouth.

I’m not saying that your man should be like this.  One of the things that attracted me to my DH is that he’s very calm and level headed and doesn’t have a temper.  I certainly have yelled at him in the past, but I’ve never cussed him out.  But I think that what you’ve described is on the other side of normal and is not something that will work for the long term.

Honestly, part of my reason for looking for a partner who didn’t have a temper was my personal experience.  My dad has a very short fuse and will fly off the handle about really stupid things (he still doesn’t name call though) and I had a previous boyfriend who would become emotional at the drop of the hat.  I’ve got enough of a firey personality for one couple, I needed a calm guy to balance me out.

Post # 67
Member
3879 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

 

View original reply
old-hollywood:  He doesn’t call me names all the time when he’s mad…many times it’s just fuck off or shut the fuck up. Is this common for you girls?

 

No. Never. I wouldn’t be with someone who talked to me that way.

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by GFerg.
Post # 68
Member
32 posts
Newbee

The other bees here have covered this very well – what you have described in this post and others is certainly something I would consider emotional abuse. Just wanted to comment here and let you know that I work as an advocate for people in abusive relationships, whether that be physical, emotional, verbal, economic, sexual, etc so if you’d like to talk more privately with someone trained in these issues please don’t hesitate to PM me. Thinking of you, OP.

Post # 69
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

Leave him.  Emotional/verbal abuse.  

Post # 70
Member
293 posts
Helper bee

 

old-hollywood:  

I’m pretty sure that you’re married to my ex-husband. Really!

Get out. It WON’T get better!

Post # 71
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

View original reply
old-hollywood:  I agree with PP: he doesn’t have to hit you for it to be abuse. 

If you really want to work this out with him, I strongly urge the two of you to go to couples counseling.

If he won’t go to counseling, I am worried for the time when he is going to hit you. 

Post # 72
Member
5641 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

View original reply
old-hollywood:  Your Fiance is emotionally abusive; that would be a deal breaker to me.  It won’t get better, OP, unless he accepts he needs professional help and seeks it, and judging by your post, him admitting this is a long shot.  You need to make a decision, and the sooner the better.  Don’t think for a second that what’s going on is not reaching your children; they are way more perceptive than you would think.

Post # 73
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Wow OP I don’t have much else to add except that your fiance does not love you. There is a big difference between love and attachment. He is attached to you. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. When you love someone you do not want to hurt them, and feel bad if you inadvertently hurt them. He might say he loves you, but what he really means is that he needs you. He doesn’t know what love actually is, which is sad. 

This is an example of love: My Fiance is picker about housework than I am. I regularly leave piles of really gross dishes in the sink. I’ll come home from work once a week or so to find the whole kitchen cleaned up. When I thank my fiance and apologise for letting it get so bad he always responds “No worries babe, I know you’ve been busy, I’m happy to help you.” 

Please leave him OP. You deserve soooooo much bryter.

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