(Closed) how becoming a mother changes a woman – article

posted 8 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 32
Member
1164 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

What a depressing, dramatic blog post! I’m due with my LO in a month and it’s never crossed my mind once that I should be sad about losing my identity. Becoming a mom won’t stop me from being who I am. I’m still the same wife, daughter, friend, professional designer, business owner, etc. that I always was except now I also get to add the word “mother” to that list. I absolutely expect that my life is going to change dramatically after the baby is born but I’m looking forward to adjusting to my new role. I don’t feel like I’m losing myself, I feel like I’m gaining a new part of myself and I’m very excited about it.

Post # 33
Member
1899 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Zhabeego:  +1000000

Just once I would like to go online and not see a “woe is me, my life is hard” mommy blogger article. No wonder women still get mocked in society – we have women who stay at home watching Dora the Explorer with their toddlers all “ZOMG, HARDEST THING EVER. I HAVE NO IDENTITY NOW!!!” attempting to speak for all of us. :/

 

Post # 34
Member
2864 posts
Sugar bee

I think it was an absolutely beautiful piece.  And, while maybe a bit dramatic when considering my experience, maybe this is true for her.  And an accomplishment is whatever that means uniquely to you.  For some women, they feel like it is for others they feel it isn’t.  There are some women who have major trouble getting pregnant and then they do and they again, feel its an accomplishment. ‘Accomplishment’ simply means ‘something completed successfully’.

For me, I don’t consider giving birth as such and I have done so twice.  But, I do feel like the energy, dedication, patience, time, determination, selflessless, etc. that it takes for me to raise two children give me a sense of accomplishment…but it’s a process because in a sense it’s neverending.

Also, every woman is so different. I did not get saggy boobs nor did I leak milk ever.  I did not get stretch marks and my body hasn’t changed much (in fact, I think I look better). 

 

Yes, you will forever be changed and I am pretty well educated college wise and for me, being a mother is different.   You get no breaks (even WHEN you have a babysitter on dial), and you dont get to start over.  You can’t just stop. So yes, there are unique challenges there.  But, I also think there are unique challenges with other things…And while I have my ‘moments’, I will not trade it in for the world.  I do not wish for my ‘former’ self nor do I think my former self is dead.  Rather, it’s a transformation if you will.

 

 

 

Post # 35
Member
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I loved this article. I’m all about self-reflection and exploring identity, so the idea that things will change so much in a few months when my son is born is terrifying and thrilling to me. I understand how the article may seem dramatic to some, but also considering how the author’s post-partum depression is going to tint her perspective, I think it was really honest and articulates how a lot (not all) of women feel. 

Post # 36
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Zhabeego: @GoldfishPie x1,000. I couldn’t even get through 5 comments on the article without throwing up in my mouth.

Post # 37
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

As a mom to a DD12 and pregnant with baby #2 due in April, your identity only dies IF YOU LET IT.  

Sure you change, things change, your relationship with your husband changes.  But you are still you 100% even if you are a mother.  

If, like it seemed like this blogger, you decide to stay home chained to the house and not go anywhere, then that’s your own fault.  I on the other hand, took my daughter and plan on taking this baby anywhere and everywhere from the beginning.  Especially with a sports minded and busy 12 year old.  I will not be isolated in my house; I will make it a point to get out of the house and expose my child to life outside the house – just as I did with my daughter.

 

Becoming a mother is not an achievement.  Deciding to have a 2nd child when you already have a 12 year old is…haha just kidding.  

 

Post # 38
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

No pregnant and not a mom here, but I must admit that the idea of having  my identity “die” really FREAKS me out. It’s sad but I’ve always just assumed that this is what happens to women once they are moms.

I know I want to be a mom one day, but I’m scared I’ll loose myself in the process, you know?

Post # 39
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Geez. Not gonna lie, this article made me throw up in my mouth a little. And I am currently suffering morning sickness!

Look becoming a mother, being pregnant alters you in a large way. But so does getting married, so does starting your career, so does going off to college or living on your own for the first time. It alters your reality. It changes you for good, and sometimes for worse.

I dunno. To say that your old self is “dead” is a bit over-the-top. Will I have less time for me? Sure but who I am is not altered.

Being a mother is NOT your identity, its part of what you are but it does not define you. This sanctimommy crap blows my mind. Yes I will be a mother in 7 months. And guess what? My life my routines my world will shift a little, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to define my worth and my existance by the fact that I gave birth and am raising a child.

Post # 40
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@Miss Grey:  “She’s saying that graduating from med school doesn’t change your inner self like becoming a mother does.”

While I agree that med school doesn’t change someone like becoming a mother does (not just giving birth, but raising the kid too), I’m hoping you weren’t trying to imply that med school doesn’t change someone.  I personally haven’t gone through med school, but I’ve watched others, and I do notice a change in them.  It’s not a sudden thing, it happens gradually.  But it still happens.

 

I also don’t really like that this article seems to trivilaize the father a tiny bit.  OK, yes, I understand biology, mom gives birth.  But raising the kid can affect the dad just as much- if not more!- than mom.  New mom might be a mom forever, but new dad is also a dad forever.  No, he didn’t become the mother, but the mom didn’t become the father either.

Post # 41
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Butterfly6:  Well put.

I think the article should only be looked at from the author’s point of view. To her, that is how having a child changed her life. There were definite points that I didn’t agree with AT ALL, like totally alienating the father from the process. I know plenty of seriously involved dads who also sacrificed and were deeply impacted by the births of their children.

I think the bigger problem is still telling women what they should do with their lives and what they should aspire to be. Some people feel fulfilled focusing solely on their homes and families, others want a career. Some people are going to feel that having children totally and completely rocked their world, while others might feel like it was a natural next step, just building on who they are.

Just take their experiences at face value, because any “shoulds” are useless here. There are a million ways to build a life. It’s going to be different for everyone.

ETA: That being said, I hope for the sake of my sanity I never feel like my old self “died” when I have kids. I kind of like my current self…

Post # 42
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Apple_Blossom:  Not at all. 2 of my very best friends are doctors, and I have friends who are PhD, lawyers, PAs, etc. I have also accomplished many things in my personal and professional life that have taken a lot of dedication, intellect and effort. All I’m saying is that it changes you in a way that other things cannot. It is not a comparison, nor am I saying it’s better – just different.

Post # 43
Bee
821 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

While I don’t think it’s fair to call this blogger a “cow,”  @Zhabeego, I get what you’re saying. I’ve always been baffled by getting the “kid gloves” treatment througout my pregnancy. It’s really cool and interesting, but getting pregnant is as common as dirt. 

I think that pregnancy and motherhood, while a common and shared experience, are singular in how they can transform the person experiencing them. There are poetic elements of truth to this blogger’s post, but it’s also a level of extremity I don’t really personally understand. Like Zhabeego said, it sounds like she was very affected by the fact that she had an unexpected pregnancy at such a young age. Assuming the role of mother was probably more jarring and problematic for her than for many people who are trying to get pregnant and are older and emotionally ready.

Personally speaking, I can honestly say that I feel like I’ve changed again and again throughout my life as i’ve grown and matured. I’m not the same person now as I was when I graduated from college, or when I got married, or even three years ago when we bought our first house. Life is a constant cycle of death and rebirth, and the ONLY thing that stays the same is change. Saying she was “one person her whole life” and that that person is “dead” is overly dramatic. Life requires growth, which can be painful, but it’s only resistance to that change that makes it as dramatic as she seems to think it is. 

Post # 44
Member
788 posts
Busy bee

@soontobemrsm11:  I agree as far as what that women said…Is it Hard to make a baby? Is it that much of an achievement, I mean their are poor uneducated women in the projects having kids left and right, it’s not “hard for them” to create a human being….so it shouldn’t be looked at as “an achievement” for having 5 kids from 3 baby daddys.  I think like you said, the achievement is not that YOU could have one, MOST people can do that, it is raising a good human being.  THAT is an achievement.

 

Post # 45
Member
788 posts
Busy bee

@Zhabeego:  Bahahah This is great.  I just love how honest you were when saying how you felt.  I agree somewhat to what you are saying…For women to say IT IS SUCH AN ACHIEVEMENT AND ACCOMPLISHMENT TO  have children is a misleading statement.  I mean there are so many uneducated women having so many kids in the projects….It wasn’t “hard” for them to procreate and child rearing is not the hardest thing in the world.  Yes it is exhausting, challenging and a learning experience.  What IS an acccomplishment is raising a good human being.  That is something to be proud of.  I am surrounded by women who all they want to be is stay at home wives and they all want like 5 kids, which is fine. Go THem!  I can tell when I talk to them about whats going on in my world that they are threatened by me sometimes because I am so career oriented and successful at my job.  They have TO ASK Their husbands for money and ASK if its okay for them to buy something. SCREW THAT, I am independent and am Not going to have to ASK if I can buy a coffee at starbucks.  It eerks me when they tell me, “You don’t understand because you don’t have kids” I just want to slap them, bc its like well really, “you don’t understand what I am going through because I deal with millions of dollars on a daily basis and people’s financial future’s”  Oh but I’m sorry, you had a bad day, because your baby is teething and fussy and I would never understand what you are going through…”I have to fire someone in a couple days, because my CEO is asking me too, and that person has kids to support and their wife doesn’t have a job”…But please stay at home mom, tell me how much harder your job is than mine and how I will NEVER understand the pain you deal with on a daily basis raising children. Their tone with me is enough for me to roll my eyes at them…END RANT.  Okay I’m done, lol

 

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