- 9 years ago
- Wedding: August 2009
I guess it’s my turn to vent….
We have a month to go until the wedding (exactly a month from today). I’m definitely excited and glad it’s getting so close. I have a wonderful fiance and am so blessed to be marrying him. Details are coming together well and we just have a few little things to get together. In general, it’s been smooth going and I’ve hardly stressed at all about the wedding.
But the past couple weeks I’ve been really depressed, not about the wedding but just about life in general.
I’ve been living and working with a neighborhood ministry for the past year. I felt called here by God and left my job a year ago to devote myself full-time to it. My fiance is involved in the ministry, too, and we found a place to live nearby so we could stay involved. Right about when we get married, though, almost all the other members of the community are moving out and moving on, so there will just be three people left at the ministry house. I’ve been working with the neighborhood kids (after school programs, summer activities, kids church, etc.) but now the majority of the kids that we’ve connected with over the past year are moving or have moved already (the depression kind of kicked off when the one family that I’d gotten really close to moved to South Carolina). Nobody really knows what the ministry is going to look like after that or whether it’ll kind of close down for a season. I’ve devoted the majority of my time and energy to the ministry this past year and now I don’t even know what I’m going to be doing. I plan on looking for a part time job after we get married, but I feel like I can’t really grasp hold of much of anything in my life. I’m scrambling to hold onto some kind of purpose, some vision or goal I’m working towards, but really feeling a bit lost. I feel like I’ve lost hold of what I’m here for.
Oh, and along with that, my best friend has doesn’t think I should be getting married yet (though she said she’ll support me whatever I do) and I’m feeling more and more distant from her and most of my other friends (most of whom are single still). One of them called me this week to share how hurt she was that I’d been distant this past year. I feel like I’ve failed them in being so busy with ministry and wedding planning this past year. But I also feel like I can’t talk about the wedding or my relationship with a lot of them, because they disapproved of the relationship in the beginning (my fiance was engaged with one of the girls in our circle of friends at one point and several of them feel like I shouldn’t have dated or gotten engaged to him because of that). My fiance is wonderful and my best friend, but sometimes I feel lonely not being very connected with anyone else.
I’ve tried talking to my fiance about it a couple times, but he doesn’t understand why I’m depressed and why it’s not enough to just be looking forward to the wedding. I tried to explain tha tI’m just struggling to navigate all the changes, but usually he ends up feeling hurt and afraid that I don’t want to be with him anymore and am going to leave him (which I’m not, ever). His mom left when he was a baby and so he’s struggled a lot with fear of abandonment, and his dad died in January, so he gets hurt really easily and we’ve had to wrestle through a lot of emotional stuff.
I feel like I should be able to just shake it off and look forward to whatever comes next (because I do believe it will be good), but I’m having trouble sorting through all these emotions. I’m hoping that I just need a little time to adjust to all the changes and get refocused. I don’t want to start my marriage depressed.
So bleh….there’s my vent. Has anyone else gotten depressed shortly before your wedding? What did you do?