- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
@LeenieBee: I see both sides. He should have consulted you for sure. But as his partner don’t you want to support his happiness? I don’t mean financially, but emotionally. $2500 is a lot of money in one week and surely enough to help contribute to the bills. If he stayed home bc he wanted to catch up on tv, I would understand your extreme reaction. But he hurt himself. Man, you are really TOUGH. It really does not sound like you love him.
It sounds like there’s something deeper. Has he done anything else to make you not trust him… does he have a history of quitting jobs or move around from job to job? & how long have you been together/known him?
You don’t know what happened. In his mind, it could’ve been you said it was okay with you for him to quit (in 3 months not in a week thou) & he may have had a very bad experience that day at work & he just quit. Have you talked to him about what happened? Why does he hate his old job? When DH said he wanted to quit his job 2 years ago (didn’t pay much, but it was full time), I was upset kinda like you were… but when he told me what he went through, I encouraged him to quit. That job made him miserable & he was treated poorly, he stayed until he found a new job even though it was only part time, we could still cover everything.
Maybe what would make you feel better is if your SO helped out more with bills. It sounds like you pay for all your stuff plus your mortgage & that your SO only pays his bills. I think to make you feel like he’s contributing more is for him to pay his bills & pay the power & utility bills since you cover the mortgage. Or have him pay extra money to you to help cover “rent”.
I love him, but I need to see that he can support himself as an adult and deal with the consequences of destabilizing the income stream on a whim. Money is such a huge reason marriages fail. I need to feel financially secure and be confident my partner isn’t going to burden me without a really good reason. If he’d been laid off or was doing some serious financial planning with the income from the new job, I’d be more open to the situation. However, all I’m getting from him is “don’t worry, it will work out. The money will come.”.
I don’t blame you for telling him he needs to get his own place. He needs to learn how mature adults make important life decisions by considering the consequences. As long as he thought you were going to be his safety net, he had no incentive to learn how to be responsible.
DH and I have taken turns supporting each other, but neither of us would ever quit a job without making sure we both understood and agreed to the financial changes that would take place as a result.
Oh my goodness. I can sympathize with you… it’s totally stressful when the other person suddenly doesn’t seem as “reliable” or “responsible” as you hope that they are.
And the number one thing here is that you do not have to be in a relationship that you don’t want to be in. Even if the only reason you don’t want to be in it is that the other person isn’t what you consider “financially compatible” with yourself. So definitely know that this is your choice to make. You’re in control.
On the other hand, it sounds like maybe what happened is that he made the decision to quit his job and you were already sort of uncomfortable with it, and then the thing with his shoulder really sent you over the edge. I know I would see that as a really bad sign too…
But your argument might have just been out of frustration. I think it would make sense to take some time to calm down, and then talk to him about your expectations about the financial state of your relationship. Like, ask him what he thinks is a reasonable income every month. If you agree with the number, put it to the test – see if he can reach that goal every month for a while.
If he feels like it’s too much pressure, he can take control of HIS life and end the relationship with you.
The biggest issue for me would be that he didn’t make this decision with you. If you guys are serious enough to be saving for a ring, he should never have done that without talking to you. I think you have every right to do what you did.
You need to break up with him. You say you can’t marry him if he can’t take responsibility for supporting himself – I say you can’t marry him if you guys can’t take responsibility for supporting each other. He made this decision without including you in it/went against your joint decision; you do not wish to be at risk of financially supporting him. I think this relationship is dead. Asking him to move out but still dating him will just prolong the inevitable.
– does he have an emergency savings fund? (doesn’t sound like it, if he’s going to have to move back in with his parents)
– savings for medical bills?
– did he prepare by saving more than usual before quitting?
– did he leave on good terms, with a positive reference/ inkling that he could return if commission doesn’t work out?
and yeah – 2500 dollars sounds good for a week – but commission is totally unpredictable, next week could be nowehere near. and if he isn’t smart with his money (also doesn’t sound like he is) 2500 could be gone in an instant without actually putting anything away.
We’ve also discussed a back up plan in case he needs a job in a hurry. He has a few business contacts who can help out and if he has to, he’ll wait tables. He’s done it before in a pinch, he finds it humbling with a degree and 10 years of experience, but he’ll do it.
Lastly, the engagement will be postponed. I’ve waited this long, so I can wait another 6 months for us to figure out if this is going to work out financially. Thanks Bees for all of the good input!
This is a tough one. I always say that when you are going to live with some one they should be able to take care of themselves first (outside of a relationship) This was a mus for anybod I was dating before I me my SO (he had his own apartment, car etc) I think that mone o lack thereof can cause so much stress in relationships especially when one person is working s much harder than he other. You guys have o sit down, work ou a budget and see what works out for the tw of you. I have a friend who is financially strapped because he SO just doesn’t contribute enough & she is literally losing he hair, weight and I think she’s about to lose her house. You do not want to nd up like this believe me she is sooooo miserable and sh doesn’t even realize it. She won’t listen to any one in her family or me (her BFF). It’s jus o hard watching her go through this when she’s such a hard working girl. No saying you’re in the same position as her but sometimes it is better t be safe than sorry.
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