(Closed) How can I be in the same room as my FMIL?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Ew, how horrid of a woman to do this to you! Especially someone you’re supposed to call your mother-in-law!

Honestly, my only advice is to take a deep breath and kill em’ with kindness. Not her, but the rest of the family. I would ignore her, but acknowledge the rest of the family as per usual so they know that she is just making up crap and talking shit. There’s nothing that you can do to change someone’s mind about you. You just either ignore it and rise above, or leave! 

I’m sorry bee 🙁

Post # 3
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I completely agree with Justinsgirl. Kill them with kindness. If months or years later she wakes up and realizes you actually are a good person that makes her son happy, then she will be the only one with regrets and shame. If you continue to be nice, then you will always be able to look her straight in the eye since you’ve always acted right. I wouldn’t give her an opportunity to look/feel/think she is right. 

Post # 4
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
twistaway:  Wait…a…sec…

What did Fiance do while his mother was over stepping her bounds!?!?!!!! HE needs to stand WITH you on this and should have STOP his mother the sec she opened her horrid mouth. He really did nothing? I am sorry but he asked YOU to marry him… HE now needs to be VERY clear with his mother that she can not treat his wife this way.

 

Post # 5
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Reading through this post, I can’t help but wonder where your fiance is in this whole mess. This really is about the both of you and should be his problem as much as it yours. She’s his mother but she’s also shamelessly attacking the woman he loves and wants to spend his life with. I think he needs to step up, stand up to his mother and put her in her place. If he refuses to do this, or just passively sits by and watches as you get attacked, then I’m really sorry to say, but you may want to reconsider your future with this guy. 

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but I was in a situation almost just like yours. I was engaged to a man whose mother absolutely hated me. She talked about me constantly, spread all sorts of malicious gossip about me and even went so far as to try and hook her son up with other women. Throughout it all, my then fiance refused to get involved in any way, refused to take any kind of a stand against his mother. Long story short I eventually realized that things were never going to change with either of them and left. Looking back today it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. 

If this man truly loves you he will make you a priority and not allow anyone, including his mother, to hurt you.

 

Post # 6
Member
1978 posts
Buzzing bee

Your Future Mother-In-Law is definitely a piece of work, but the real issue is your FH not acknowledging what is going on, and doing his part in putting her in her place.

You will only survive “being in the same room as her” with your FH on your side. If he’s not, then good luck to you. Sorry, gotta be blunt. That doesn’t fly in my book.

Post # 9
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

View original reply
twistaway: nicely said! I hope he makes it very clear to his mother that he is going to be your ally throughout this whole thing. Best of luck with your FMIL! I hope your situation improves very soon!

Post # 10
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
twistaway:  Your FI’s response is half-arsed. He needs to do better than talk to his mother alone.

He needs to stand up for you WHEN YOU ARE PRESENT. That means you accompany him to the  family function tonight, and if she criticises you, he pulls her into line immediately. While both you and she are present.

Do you drive? I strongly suggest that you drive tonight. And if Fiance refuses to stand up for you, you leave and drive home, with or without your Fiance.

And if he still refuses to stand up for you, don’t marry him.

Post # 11
Member
13649 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Birthday dinner or no birthday dinner, I  think Fiance should have gone farther than maintaining he’s still marrying you to let her know that there will be no more invitations issued or accepted until she’s apologized to you in full.

Post # 12
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

Your Future Mother-In-Law isn’t the problem, your Fiance is.  We can’t always pick our parents, but we can pick our FI’s.

That’s nice he stands up for you now, make sure it continues.

I wouldn’t be in the same room as your Future Mother-In-Law with her attitude.  She wouldn’t be welcome in my house until she can behave, either.  So to answer your question, you don’t have to be in a room with anyone you don’t want to be.

Post # 13
Member
274 posts
Helper bee

I don’t know your dad, but my advice is to give her your dad’s phone number. You may not be able to tell your Future Mother-In-Law to shove it, but your dad sure can.

Post # 15
Member
3436 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry you are going through this!  Good on your guy for telling her where he stands. Hopefully he keeps doing it (with you present) so she really understands.

 

Maybe it’s because I don’t read any male-oriented forums so I don’t know the other point of view but i feel like guys have such a hard time seeing when their parents are acting inapppropriately and an even harder time doing anything about it, yet I know that I and my girlfriends (and probably other women) have zero problems with saying “hey mom/dad….” when the issue is our own parents. Why is that??

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