(Closed) How can I get him to understand this better?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Definitely don’t pressure him, it sounds like he’s on the path to engagement. I know a lot of guys want to have certain things done by the time they are ready to propose. My guy wanted to be financially ready, meaning money for the e-ring without financing, money in savings and money to buy the forever home. Also, maybe talk to him about the e-ring. I know my guy thought $10k was what everyone spent on an e-ring, when he told me this I said no way, I didn’t need a $10k ring! Then I kinda showed him that he didn’t have to go out shopping which he hates. I hinted to a few sites with good reputations & pricing and less than 3 months later I got a ring. I think if would have had to save an additonal $3k like he was thinking it would have been delayed a few months. I think guys are good at keeping their plans to themselves, where as if I have any goals I always voice them. Enjoy the waiting time, I’m sure a proposal is soon!

Post # 4
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

How are you ruining the fun of getting married? By asking him to stop teasing you? I would be annoyed about all the wedding/ marriage talk when it isn’t going to happen for a while.

 

Post # 6
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

@nursinggirl: Maybe tell him “i’m excited to marry you, I want to be married to you. but you told me it isn’t going to happen for a while and your comments are making it harder to wait that long.”

I don’t think he would appreciate you saying “Are you going to propose soon?” everyday lol

Post # 7
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I understand where you are coming from. Im in the “engaged in the process” phase too. My SO and I have been together for 4.5 years and for the last 2 I have been trying to get him to tell me his thoughts on when he wants to get married.  This past March, at a friends wedding, he did nothing but talk about how amazing our wedding would be.  Since then, he has randomly brought it up and no action has taken place.  It’s enough to drive you nuts!  My thought is…don’t bring it up unless you are going to do it tomorrow…lol πŸ™‚  I wouldn’t even be thinking about the marriage thing until he opened his mouth and then i had to stop myself from overthinking about it.  I asked him to not bring it up and he has gotten better about it. We are finally at the point now where i know he will be doing it within the next few months and we even have the ring picked out.

The mother being unhappy about the two of you moving in together before marriage will probably be a big motivator for him to do it sooner than he is letting on.  The friend that got married in March had the same issue and he popped the question quick.  Definitely dont pressure him.  Guys like to think things were their idea..lol

Post # 10
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I know that it can be frustrating, especially because it seems like his timeline is not matching yours. But from what you’ve said, it sounds like he is gearing up for a serious relationship with you by moving in together and even going ring shopping. Just tell him that whenever he talks about getting married, it makes you anxious, so it might be best to just not talk about it for a while.

I know it’s tough, but I enjoy your dating life together and let him pop the question when he’s ready. I assure you, it will be worth the wait!! πŸ™‚

Post # 11
Member
1425 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rosehill Community Center

This sounds a tad familiar…  πŸ˜›  I think the pp’s advice is pretty good, I think @nickels makes a good point about not pressuring, but clarifying your expectations and whatnot.  Hang in there, I’m 3 years in with a boy who said within the first month he wanted to get married soon (all of his friends were married when I met him), so I think they generally aren’t sure what they want and how soon is soon.

Post # 12
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I got engaged a few months ago after 9 years of dating. I am a romantic and always wanted that moment to feel magical and special. It wasn’t. I found these threads recently (http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/anyone-have-a-non-surprising-engagementhttp://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/the-rollercoaster-of-waiting-emotions-long) and shared some feelings I hadn’t spoken of until now for fear of my friends and family judging me as insensitive or ungrateful. Maybe my experience will be relatable to you, maybe knowing that you don’t want to be underwhelmed like me in that moment will help clarify your feelings and put things into perspective a bit. I don’t mind if you paraphrase my experience for him if you think it might help him understand your fears and emotions. Good luck! Here’s what I wrote on the other threads:

I wasn’t surprised really. We’d been together 9 years, living together 1 1/2 yrs. I was actually kind of anxious for it to happen already or that it hadn’t yet. I get it. Both in school. his sister was getting married and he didn’t want to take away from her moment, but it was still getting to me… I kept thinking this is gonna be it, nope, this time, nope, now?, also no… When it happened he took me on a weekend camping trip (which we’ve never done) and after setting up camp went strolling on the beach near midnight. He kept commenting on how romantic the setting was etc etc (which isn’t really like him) and then he got on one knee pulled out the ring and said I love you will you marry me? It was perfect… sort of… I think I psyched myself out.

Thinking about it so much took away from when it actually happened. The setting was perfect, the ring was amazing, and he was so sweet, but I had waited so long that I made myself believe that it was lees important to me than it was so that I could try to get it out of my head. I tried to push the thought away so much that when it happened it just wasn’t the reaction you hope to have. I was happy and I said yes and we kissed and hugged etc, but I didn’t get that “Oh my gosh this is so amazing I can’t believe this is really happening!” feeling. It was more like “It was about time, and this is nice I wish I could feel it more.” It doesn’t mean that I love him any less or that I don’t want to get married, quite the opposite. Kind of a downer story, but after 9 years, am I really supposed to have that feeling? I still wanted to… But maybe it was too much to ask. Anyone else felt like this?

Post # 13
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

I 100% understand where you are coming from. My boyfriend and I have been together close to 5 years (March 2012) and we got into a pretty big argument over this earlier this year. I asked him to please stop talking about it because it was hurting my feelings because I felt like it was OK to expect something even though I knew it was not coming anytime soon. Needless to say I am still waiting but I think he finally got where I was coming from after that conversation. I basically told him not to bring it up anymore. That lasted for about 2 months but atleast I got it off my chest. 

 

I would try talking to him and let him know it makes you feel and hopefully he will understand why it hurts you when he does that and how it makes you feel.

Post # 14
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@quishi:  Mine was similar.  πŸ™‚ I would have liked the whole romantic surprise, but it wasn’t in the cards.  My fiance dragged his feet, and we had already started wedding planning before he actually formally proposed.  I never had that “oh my god, yes!” moment because our relationship grew slow and steady and we both knew where it was headed for years.  I knew I was getting married before I even had a ring.  I actually picked out my engagement ring when shopping for wedding bands!

I’m not sure how I’d really be suprised by it anyway… we had talked so much about our future life and made plans that it was sort of anti-climatic.  A nice moment for sure, but the question wasn’t “popped.”  Real life often isn’t like the movies!

It makes me a little sad I didn’t get that fairy tale moment, but oh well.  I know my guy loves me and that we’re perfect for each other… perhaps the engagement wasn’t the most memorable moment, but the wedding and marriage are more important.  πŸ™‚

 

 

OP, I’d just give him space and time.  πŸ™‚  And tell him you’re not discussing any wedding details until he puts a ring on it.  Maybe he’s just telling you to wait and he really means to ask you soon… I don’t want to get your hopes up, but just be patient!

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