Post # 1
Ever since I can remember, I have had trouble making friends.
It has gotten a bit better now that I am a bit older,but still difficult.
I would love to know what it is that I am doing wrong. I have had people ghost me who I thought I was growing pretty close to…and they wouldn’t give me an answer as to why. Just stopped replying/reaching out.
How can I get honest, objective feedback on what I am doing wrong socially to turn people off? I definitely don’t make offensive jokes, I don’t smell, I don’t backstab people etc , but there must be something, and if I knew what it was, I could remedy it.
Post # 2
It will be hard for anyone to give you feedback having never met you. It could be all those people are just jerks? Things that would make me “go off” a friend would be if they were too flaky, always making plans and bailing last minute, or if they were too clingy or possessive. I love my friends and I love that they love me, but I can’t stand being smothered, or people not understanding sometimes it’s reasonable not to do things you don’t want to do. I am sure you don’t do any of these things though! Can you give us some examples of where you met these people and how long you were friends with them before they ghosted you?
Post # 3
This is so hard to answer without knowing you personally. Do you have a life-long friend that you could possibly reach out to and have an honest conversation with? What about a sibling? Obviously they love you but even people who we’re close with may have insight as to what some of our flaws are (we all have them!!). Some reasons I may discontinue a friendship are: too clingy, too distant, having nothing in common, having very different fundamental beliefs, or that they aren’t loyal. Sometimes it can just be that our paths don’t overlap much or we both quit putting effort into the relationship and it naturally fades away. I’m so sorry you feel that way bee!
Post # 4
Friend #1: 2 years as friends, met in college, would do things together, catch up etc. One time I texted her to see how she was doing and she said she had a lot going on in her life and needed a break from our friendship and that was pretty much that.
Friend #2: 3 years as friends, met in college, suddenly unfriended me and stopped replying after getting a new boyfriend
Friend #3: Casual friends in high school, after three friend dates after we both graduated from college said she was too busy and stopped replying
Friend #4: Met at work, after I was let go we kept in touch for a few months over text and then she just stopped replying
Friend #5: Met in college, friends for two years, cut off all contact after I called her out on calling someone a c**t for celebrating Hannukah while not being Jewish. (I basically said that yes, it might not be the best thing, but not reason to call someone such a name, one should educate, not hate)
So I guess if anything, I am clingy/thirsty?
I will reach out to a person once a month to see how they are doing if I haven’t heard from them and maybe suggest getting together to hang out.
Is this too much? Should I just let people go if they don’t make the effort to keep the friendship alive?
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
Honestly I have the same problem, and what I’ve learned it that it’s not me. Friendships end for a lot of reasons, and while maybe one of them ended because someone decided they didn’t like you that much, most end because adult life is hard, and makes maintaining friendships really difficult. I’ve lost track of the number of friends I’ve lost since graduating college. Sure some of them might be because they never really liked me and we were friends of convenience and proximity, but not all of them were.
But the biggest thing is that adult friendships aren’t like childhood or college friendships. Adult friendships are about finding your place in each others lives and being comfortable with whatever that may be. Some friends I have running text conversations with, and at most go 2 days without texting. Some friends I speak to maybe one day every few months. I have friends I only speak to once a year, but we still consider each other friends.
Point being, there’s no way to determine why a friendship ends, or that it has definitely ended unless someone tells you. Some people just don’t feel the need to talk to or hang out with their friends a lot. It’s nothing towards you, it’s just how they are.
I would continue to reach out to friends once in a while, but don’t bring up hanging out every time. I know if someone asks me to hang out every time I talk to them, I tend to talk to them less because I know I probably won’t be able to find time and I don’t want to hurt their feelings.
Post # 6
- Wedding: December 2018 - City, State
Um without knowing you we cant really say.
Im a but of a hermit and move alot so I have lots of friends but not a bunch I feel close to or talk to regularly. Even my best friend we dont call eachother very often we live so far away.
Im mostly at fault Im terrible at getting back to people. I like my alone time and get very busy.
It could just be all those reasons?
Post # 7
Like others have said, hard to say since we don’t know…
How often were you reaching out to them? Did you feel the friendships were one sided, with you being the one who put in the effort? Do you have any friends from before college, like high school?
I do find it strange to have several people just cut you out of their lives, I can’t imagine someone actually telling me that they needed a break from our friendship, but that reason kind of makes it seem like you could have been too needy? Again, hard to say since I don’t know you or the other people..
Have you considered counseling? Talking to someone (a professional) in depth about your relationships might be more helpful to figure out why this is happening.
Post # 8
Are you particularly clingy? How often are you calling or texting new friends relative to how often they reach out to you?
If I met someone new at work or wherever and suddenly they were texting me all the time and asking me to hang out every weekend, I’ll admit I’d be a bit weirded out and annoyed.
You might also be coming off as desperate for approval – that’s not a good look on anyone.
I’d suggest trying to socialise more organically instead of trying to force friendships to take off. Are you into any sports? Join a singles/individuals team. Get involved with a local meetup group for a hobby you’re into (have you ever checked out meetup.com? It’s great!). Doing these types of things will provide you with weekly/regular social interaction with people who share similar interests and you will end up socialising with the same individuals multiple times so that provides the opportunity for a friendship to develop organically, without you reaching out all the time. Once something has actually developed, then it becomes easier to invite someone out for a beer after work or join you on a hike, etc.
Post # 9
it’s hard to say for sure but the feedback you have received makes it sound like you may be too clingy/needy. I lost a friend due to telling them they were a bit much for my crazy schedule. Most people don’t need another needy project. With my busy job and pets — I just can’t reply to every text message or force small talk. Instead, I’d recommend figuring it a good pattern of contact/asking to hang out. Ex: after you get brunch with Mary, wait for her to initiate the next meeting. Let’s say it takes her four weeks to invite you to an art gallery opening. Then you should wait about four weeks before suggesting another activity. Alternate when you contact someone between when they contact you. If you’re on social media, you can stay close to people with limited contact by liking their posts when they show up in your feed or tagging a friend in a post that may interest them.
Post # 10
I’ve only cut friends out of my life for being emotional vampires/back stabbing. Are you the kind of person who overshares? Like if you go out to get drinks, do you feelings dump? Are you making sure to talk about the other person’s life and interests? I have a friend who always asks how I am doing just so she can launch into a saga about her life and is either bragging about how everything is just so amazinggggg and wonderful and her life is the best ever or she’s complaining about mutual friends/people I don’t know. I have been distancing myself from her because of this behavior and many of our mutual friends are doing the same.
Post # 11
This is what I thought too. Emotional vampire is a great term!
Post # 12
Thank you for your comments, I have gotten quite a lot to think about from these. I have been guilty on occasion of taking an emotional dump on someone, not to the point of being an emotional vampire, but just venting.
I think that’s best done into a journal, so I don’t exhaust those around me. And yes, I do reach out more frequently than the other person does most of the time. I think I need to stop this as well, and let the friendships that are not mutually rewarding fade.