How can I get over the thought of my fiancé going to a strip club?

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

There is only one answer to that. If him going to the strip club makes you so uncomfortable he shouldn’t be going.  And if he still goes regardless of your feelings than he is not a good guy.  Communicate with him about your feelings. Personally, I wouldn’t mind my husband going with his friends to a strip club just for fun but a lap dance would be a form of cheating in my mind and I would never agree to it. 

Post # 3
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

If he and his friends said they have no interest in a strip club why are you so concerned? Plenty of men have bachelor parties that don’t involve strippers. 

It sounds like you don’t trust your fiancé, has he done things in the past to deserve a lack of trust from you or is this just your insecurities talking? If it’s the latter then I think you need to adjust your perspective and trust that if he said no strip clubs then he meant it. Why freak out over something that hasn’t and may not even happen?

Post # 4
Member
11858 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Please stop gaslighting yourself by saying you have self-esteem issues etc. if you don’t like something you don’t like it. Not everyone is okay with their partner getting sexual attention from another person, paid or not. 

That is your right.

so ask him. Don’t apologize for your feelings or undermine yourself. And just because your friends say all men do this doesn’t mean that’s true. 

At any rate, that isn’t your problem or your business. Your business is marrying someone who cherishes you and is honest with you. Maybe he says he went, he wants to go again no matter how you feel about it. Well, that’s his right. But you should know that before you get married.

Post # 5
Member
856 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I’m sorry you are having a hard time with this. If you trust your Fiance, then you shouldn’t be worried.

In addition, you should know that lap dances are illegal in Nashville and there’s a 3 foot rule required between the dancer and the customer. Basically, if he went, he went to look. That’s it.

Post # 6
Hostess
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

To me it boils down to this…do you trust him? If you do trust him and he says he’s not going to go then you need to believe him! You’re choosing to spend your life with this man, do you feel like you can take him at his word? If you don’t trust him, why are you marrying him?

Also, ignore your friends, they’re just stirring shit 

Post # 7
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

If you really feel strongly about this issue, then have a serious discussion with him and tell him the consequences if he goes. If you’ve already talked then tell him again, but make sure you have his complete attention. Guys tend to repeat the same bs lines about this: everyone does this, I’m just going along with everyone else, I was drunk, etc. Don’t accept any excuse where he acts like he has no control over his actions. Make sure he knows that if he goes, he is choosing to go and choosing to hurt you.

I may sound like a hard ass but I feel very strongly that it is cheating if another woman grinds on your SO naked or rubs their boobs in his face. Not to mention that other things absolutely happen in strip clubs. (I live in a large city with a lot of clubs and multiple guy friends have admitted that they’ve paid for extra services. Not saying every guy does this but still. BARF!)

On a lighter note, when I’ve had this conversation with SOs in the past I’ve found the following to be effective:

“Ok, if you go to a strip club, then you better tell me. Because I’ll be there too…. Dancing onstage! TOPLESS. And, oh yeah, I’m going to give ALLLLL of your friends full on lap dances!!! I mean, you said it’s not cheating right? It’s completely innocent?? You don’t mind me rubbing my boobs all over their face, right??”

At which point they shriek, beg me to stop, and exclaim that they wouldn’t be cool with that (of course not, nor would I actually do it) and acknowledge that it would be completely hypocritical if they went. 

I hope this helps. And I’m sorry you’re stressed, Bee.

Post # 8
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I told my fiancé, Don’t bother marrying me if you want to go to one of those. He said he had no interest in doing that and he told his friends, so he said. My brother in law will be going though and he would never let that happen and if it did, he would let me know. I know how you feel, it’s super annoying that we have to worry about that.

Post # 9
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

I told my ex that if he went to a strip club or if there was any woman over at the bachelor party house, it would be a problem for our marriage/relationship. I debated telling his friends that, but left them alone about it and trusted him. He wasn’t into strip clubs anyway and neither were his friends- but some had engaged in foul/cheating behavior on other guys’ trips and bachelor parties. (turns out- birds of a feather . . .) I explained why I didn’t want any strippers/strip clubs/escorts anywhere around him and had good, clear, concise reasons. After the fact, it turns out that an escort/private dancer/I guess a prostitute was invited to the bachelor party house and was there for a while. My ex-husband later claimed that he was asleep when it happened and said he had no clue until the next morning. He (or his friends) didn’t take me at my word. As I said, he is my ex (not only for this reason- there was a lot else he did. but him disregarding his promise and what I asked and repercussions for this was indicative of his feelings and actions on faithfulness overall).

Fast fwd a few years later, my current Fiance (and his friends) aren’t into strip clubs/strippers/escorts. He’s going to have a bachelor party that’s the male version of my bachelorette (maybe a wknd trip with friends having normal non-sex industry fun). I have zero worries about him and it’s a billion times better. He knows where my boundaries are and he wouldn’t cross them on his own even if he was single. This makes everything soooo much easier.

Be clear about your boundaries (it is 100% fine to have them) and about the consequences if he disregards them, but, most of all, only be with someone who wouldn’t be lying to you and getting drunk enough to disregard what you want as he pursues things you aren’t okay with.

Post # 10
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

What I’m more confused about is why you would marry someone with such a different social value than you. Most of the bee problems here just stems down to those differences that they try to “fix”. 

Look I see nothing wrong with strip clubs I have a pretty good understanding of what goes in there, and why my Fiance is with me. And I just have no problems with working women in strip clubs. I married a man who doesn’t care for it, but dated others who have gone on special occasions–mostly bachelor parties. Non-issue.

Im sure your Fiance would appreciate knowing that these are the issues his future spouse would like to focus on. Because marriage ain’t just about getting what you want. If his values lean more on being laid back and not overthinking things, with no issue on strip clubs and guy weekends–then it’s time to reconsider what you both have to lose married to each other. freedom of choice.

Post # 11
Member
47 posts
Newbee

If my Fiance had gone to a strip club we wouldn’t have gotten married so there would be no “getting over it” for me. Deal breaker for sure.

Post # 12
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

I think it’s funny how some people who are completely okay with upstrip clubs and lap dances get so mad at people who aren’t and vice versa. A person cannot control or change their feelings how they view something.

Some people are fine with swinging, some people are fine with strip clubs, some are fine with lap dances, others are not. It doesn’t make a person better or worse if they are okay with these things, or not okay with these things.

The only thing that does matter, is that the bf/fiance/husband knows how you feel about these things, and that boundaries and rules are set.

If a man truly loves their wife/gf/fiance, and they tell them that strip clubs make them really uncomfortable, I don’t see the big deal here. He doesn’t get to go look at other naked women, how will life go on?

I never have never understood wanting to go to strip clubs. I just don’t have any desire to be in a room with a bunch of naked men or women, or watch them dance or something. I’m lucky though, as my boyfriend feels the same way. He’s told me he’d rather have his own private strip dance at home and have me give him a lap dance. 😉 I also don’t get the whole, oh we are about to commit to each other for life, now let me go have fun watching other naked people and having them dance on me tradition, but I digress. (That said, if both people are okay with it, then whatever floats your boat)

OP, you shouldn’t feel bad for not feeling comfortable with strip clubs, and not wanting him to go to one. Text him now, or call him, and just tell him flat out, I don’t want you to go to a strip club, I’m not comfortable with it and it would make it hard for me to be intimate with you after. Strip clubs are a deal breaker for me. 

Be very clear. Don’t make yourself feel bad about this, it’s okay to not be okay with it. Just make sure you are very clear with him, so he fully understands that is not something that is okay in your relationship. 

Also, it’s not a whole trust issue thing either. You can trust someone, and still not be gung ho for strip clubs.

For example, I trust my boyfriend completely, I have no problem when he goes on work or friends road trips with female friends only and shares a room with them. I just don’t want him going to strip clubs, and he’s fine with it. My logic is, he has me, why on earth does he need to go to strip club? I know he wouldn’t do anything bad, I just don’t like the idea of it. 

 

Post # 13
Member
4235 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

This sounds a little crazy…but it worked for me:

Darling Husband had been to strip clubs before we met. He isn’t the kind of guy who goes often, but him and his friend DO go from time to time. I had never been to a strip club before (and it isn’t my thing), so I was kind of leery about it.

So him and his friends took me to one.

Yes I know it sounds a little weird for a group of guys to bring a girl to a strip club…ESPECIALLY when she was dating a member of their crew. 

We had a few drinks, watched the girls dance on stage, even had one come over to the table. I have to say, it was surprisingly NOT a big deal once I saw what actually went on. I even saw the table girl pay a little attention to my now-DH dancing wise, and it was NOT as sexual as I thought it would be. It was actually quite tame. 

Yes I am aware that the guys probably toned it down a bit because I was there, so I also made a point of discreetly watching other groups too. Sure, some guys were a little more ‘enthusiastic’ than others…but practically none of them were going ‘ultra buckwild’ like they do in the movies.

The experience made me feel better about the whole strip club idea. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

pepper1115 :  Im really sorry about how your friends reacted sadly many women feel they cant demand or dont deserve better and accept disrespect. To clarify going to strippers isnt inately disrespectful but is when the party going knows the other partner is not ok with it.

It is totally ok to set standards and deal breakers. I also have strippers as a deal breaker. My partner has no interest in going and respects me so its never been an issue really.

I cant tell from your post if he went or not because part is past tense and part seems to be future tense if he went dispite knowing your feelings you need to decide if you will take that disrespect,

if it hasnt happened yet i’d have another sit down talk about your feelings and setting the stakes and standards.

Post # 15
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

mrskmcob :  haha iv had almost that same talk! (past partners)

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