(Closed) How can I handle this situation?

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
2318 posts
Buzzing bee

I can understand being a little shocked at the amount but I would let it go.  It’s not a regular thing and his generosity is probally one of the reasons that you love him.

Post # 3
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

anon490:  you probably should have asked him how much he was planning to give her when he brought it up initially. I don’t think that $200 is an absurd amount and he can’t take it back now so id let it go if I were you. 

Post # 4
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I guess it depends on your situation.  I mean you had to know he was going to give her more than 20 bucks. 200 isn’t a ton in my eyes, but if it is to you maybe it’s worth a (rational ) conversation about your joint finances about how much money the other can spend before you need to discuss it (aka, any purchase over 100 should be discussed ).

Post # 5
1306 posts
Bumble bee

I guess it depends on what $200 means to you.

On one hand, he didtell you that he was giving her money but didn’t say how much (and it sounds like you didn’t ask).

Maybe just calmly tell him that you need to know exact numbers on these things, that $200 is a lot right now. There’s nothing that can be done right? Maybe he took $200 out but didn’t give it all to her?

Post # 6
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

Too many unknowns here.  Did she come here for your wedding?  Is she pretty strapped financially and needed the help? 

I also feel that 200.00 isn’t a ton but I really do think that you guys need to talk about what that magic dollar amount is that you won’t spend without talking to the other person.  If is 25.00?  50?  100?  You guys need to sit down and have that discussion.

I wouldn’t get angry about this, but I WOULD use it as a vehicle for a really good, healthy discussion about that dollar limit and how to proceed.

Post # 7
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Let me first tell you, I understand where you’re coming from. My fiancée has had to lend his dad a total of $900 of our joint savings before I told him no more (this was two years ago, we have only gotten $400 back and are paying for our wedding with only the help of my parents and the money my fiancée and I have saved). Has your husband given his grandmother a significant amount of money in the past as well? Does she take advantage of the fact that she knows she will receive money from him? It’s a tough and sensitive situation. I would say let it go this time but if it happens again in the future say something .

Post # 8
533 posts
Busy bee

I can see why you would be concerned, but I think this falls under the ‘I guess this is one of those things we probably need to talk about more, but didn’t know we needed to talk about.’  

I bet that he truly and honestly believes that he has discussed the issue with you by his telling you he was going to give her ‘some’ money and you not raising any concerns.

Also in my oppinion for what it is worth: Unless this will put you in a financial bind or if he does this regularly; If his grandma is from a less financially secure country and  doesn’t have much personal financial security, $200 is not that much to send home.

For the long term future: It might be helpful to discuss how you as a couple are going to deal with relatives and money, especially if you have different cultural backgrounds.  Also, be sure you are using the same word for the same thing. ‘Of course we will help out X, if X really needs help.’ is easy to agree on. However, you need to discuss what ‘need’ and ‘help’ mean. Does ‘need’ mean a medical emergency or does it mean X is $5 grand short of the money needed to buy great business? Does ‘help’ mean wiring the money or investing in the business?


Post # 9
555 posts
Busy bee

Is the grandma from a poor country? Because usually it is rather the other way round (grandparents giving grandkids money), so I assume she is. I don’t think 200$ will make or break buying a house, but yes he should have told you! I would try establishing a rule. For example that any expenditure over 100$ should be discussed first. 

Post # 10
6445 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I agree that $200 is not excessive. If the grandmother doesn’t visit often and he wanted to help her, I don’t see any harm. People matter more than things. However, this would be a good time to establish ground rules for spending, like either of you must consult with the other when spending over $X.

Post # 11
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

saratiara2:  This is pretty much what I was going to say.  $200 is a bit, but not outrageous, it’s not like he gave her $2000.

Post # 12
67 posts
Worker bee

If it bothers you and has/will happen often,  then set up separate finances.  Have him contribute a certain amount to the house each month,  and whatever he has left is his money to do what he wants with. 

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