(Closed) How can I help her? (TMI post)

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
7404 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well, a friend of mine got herpes from her ex-husband (that was how she found out he was cheating on her!).  They got divorced and she met and married a great man.  They have 2 kids together.  I realize its anecdotal- but her life is far from over!

Post # 4
9682 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@LadyBlackheart:  There is medication to control it (at least I assume there is). I remember in your last post you said that she leads a very…Hm. You mentioned that she has sex with a lot of men, so hopefully this will be a wake up call for her to be safe about it.

I may sound crazy for saying this but I have heard that there are dating sites for folks with Save-The-Date Cards (they will always be called Save-The-Date Cards to me, which is why I hate when people call their Save the Dates Save-The-Date Cards :P). If she finds someone with the same thing, there is potential.

Obviously I am saying this next part to you and not to her but I sure as FUCK would not date someone with an STD. I don’t even want the chance of ever getting it. I would also imagine birth would be challenging if there is an outbreak.

Post # 5
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@LadyBlackheart:  I have a friend who contracted herpes at a young age. She, like your roomie, was very….outgoing. She has a beautiful 11 year old daughter (my goddaughter) who is just fine.

There are medications that can help control outbreaks, and sex is still a very real option for her. She simply has to be more careful and selective now. 

My friend is in a loving and stable relationship with someone now, so having herpes is certainly not the end of her life, although it might feel like it. 


Post # 7
8686 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@LadyBlackheart:  herpes are treatable.

tell her everyone had herpes, chicken pox are herpes.


Post # 8
7404 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

LadyBlackheartYes- she had unprotected sex- to have the 2 kids obviously.  However, I don’t know the specifics of her intimate relations with her husband- so I can’t offer any insight in that regard.  All I know is that he knew before hand that she had it, loved her and married her.  I think the do some sort of precaution protocol when the mom is giving birth.  And I know she did have them vaginally.

Post # 9
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think most of us have that one friend who learned the hard way and ended up with herpes.  And I bet most of them haven’t completely failed at life because of it.  It’s a virus that’s been pestering sexually active people for ages, and therefore is very well researched.  There are meds to control it, meds to help outbreaks, and lots of people who specialize in treating and couselling people with it.

Call your local health department, hospital, or school health service.  I bet they have couselors who can help teach her how to manage it.  Yes, it will be part of her life forever, but it doesn’t have to change her life or control it.

Post # 10
4416 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

No expert here, but I think that with Valtrex you can go without any outbreaks for literally years. You are only contagious during an outbreak (just like with cold sore herpes). And you can absolutely have children; you’d just need to have a c-section if you had an active outbreak at birth time.

So compared to how it used to be, herpes really isn’t that big a deal.

That said, I’m pretty damn glad I don’t have it!!!

Post # 11
4432 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Just an FYI. – this may not be the case here – but my friend mid misdiagnose with herpes It was actually a rash that extended from her vaginal area to her anus from shaving over irritated skin. 


Did she get a blood test? 


I had an enlarged lymphnode in my groin years ago and I felt sicK. I had a bump on my pubic hair area and I freaked out.  My gyno (same woman who misdiagnosed my friend) told me it could be herpes and just gave me valtrex and freaked me out.  I never took them to see what would happen and went for a second opinion.  It was an infected ingrown hair (hence the swollen node) I had tried to pop it. 

^^ She only based her diagnosis off the fact that my husband has cold sores and performed oral sex on me (never with a cold sore) but did no other testing or questioning.




Post # 12
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off (( HUGS )) to your room-mate.  Getting this type of news is neither pleasant or easy.

I had a Girlfriend in college who got herpes… YES it did change her life.

BUT surprisinly in a positive way (because she’ll meet a man who TRULY LOVES HER, and despite the Herpes, wants to be with her all the same)

Like @eeniebeans: said, love (and motherhood) is still very much a possibility / reality.

The thing is she now needs to educate fully on what she is dealing with.  As someone else said, Herpes is something that comes in cycles… and there is medication to control the cycles (and the outbreaks when necessary)

Some people have more outbreaks than others… some people rarely have an outbreak at all (we are talking months & years between them).  Chances of being one of those IMPROVE GREATLY when one gets medical assitance, takes the situation seriously, and follows medical advice / directions.

As I understand it one has to be aware of their body all the time… but one is only truly 100% contageous when there is a full-blown outbreak happening.  You learn to adjust (not to say that you cannot be lax or non-contageous the rest of the time, but chances are less likely)

There is a stigma associated with the word STD for sure… but there is a very high percentage of the population who has Herpes.  People just don’t hang up a sign and say “I’m the one”

If she gets good treatment, she’ll also be told about support groups for people living with Herpes (be that in person, or on-line).  In this case she’ll meet people she can talk to about her fears, concerns and learn management techniques… and YES even learn how they deal with the TRUTH of telling others effectively.

And that there is hope… and a life (a great life) possible after contracting Herpes

She’ll probably find that her dating techniques will change in the future… as she’ll not necessarily want to share this info with everyone… BUT that isn’t a bad thing.  It means she’ll be dating with her HEAD more than her HEART in the beginning which will protect her from getting involved with folks who don’t have her best interest in mind (and she’ll be doing the same, having their best interests in mind)

The right guy… will fall in love with her because of WHO SHE IS… and won’t be so bothered by what she has.  Herpes is an illness / challenge for sure just like many other conditions that people face every day.  People who far greater challenges than this one meet people, fall in love, have a life, raise a family, etc.

And so will she.

It is overwhelming NOW only because it is soooo new to her.

In time it won’t be… also because she’ll know how to deal with it, and keep it in check.

She will get thru this.  Tell her to hang in there.  Education is her best weapon in the fight she is facing.

Please pass along these (( HUGS )) to her… and tell her to hang in there.  This isn’t really an ending… just a new beginning.


Post # 13
3130 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@LadyBlackheart:  She is panicking but just be there for her and tell her it will be ok. Also, has she seen the STD rates. It happens. She is not the first nor last person to get herpes. They are far from uncommon.

Tons and tons of people have herpes and also have children. Doctors surely know how to handle as it happens all the time. Maybe if she talks to her doctor/OB GYN some of her fears will lessen.

Post # 14
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I worked in a pharmacy for 6 years. Herpes is so common, the drug valtrex(its generic) was so popular, we kept it as a fast mover, or something easy to reach because we use a lot of it. You would be surprised how many people are affected by herpes, and how many people take a daily pill to control outbreaks. People with families, and kids. I imagine it’s a hump to deal with when you’re in the dating scene (I couldn’t imagine how awkward it is to tell someone you have an STD), but people do it, and survive. Her world isn’t over. 

Post # 15
5176 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I have a friend who got herpes from her current boyfriend. He chose not to tell her he had it (he says he got it from wrestling…. really? on your wiener?) and that he didn’t tell her because “he didnt think their relationship was going anywhere”. Clearly, he is a winner! 

Regardless, I think your friend is probably feeling very lonely in this situation but I would bet that more people have it than she realizes. I’m sure it’s all a shock and she probably just needs to let it all sink in before she can focus on anything but the negative. 

Post # 16
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@LadyBlackheart:  I think If I found out I had an STI, I’d be glad that it is JUST herpes.  I mean it’s not AIDS! Her life is far from over.  As far as I know herpes is very treatable these days.

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