How Can I Stay Level-Headed While Still Waiting (7 years dating)?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Am I an awful friend and girlfriend for feeling like this now?
    yes : (6 votes)
    20 %
    no : (17 votes)
    57 %
    been there, done that : (7 votes)
    23 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    4243 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    Proposals aren’t races.  I know it feels like everyone is getting married, but that doesn’t mean you need to go out and get married tomorrow.  And honestly think about your friends and THEIR happy days.  Why would you be depressed when your friends are so happy?  I’ve never understood the proposal envy myself…

    Post # 3
    Member
    3173 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    annarose2 :  why exactly can’t you and he get engaged now? 

    Post # 4
    Member
    970 posts
    Busy bee

    I’ve been in a similar situation (24 and together for 5 years) where we were together for so much longer than others who were getting engaged (including his little brother!), and yet it still didn’t work for us logistically. It helped me to focus on how stable and happy we were in our relationship given the extra time we’ve had together, while other people may be engaged already but really have so much more to learn about each other. I just kept telling myself “we don’t have to be engaged because we’re basically already married”. And just to focus on our love for each other, especially by reinstating date nights and other habits that can kind of fall by the wayside.

    But yes, waiting totally sucked and it was a hard pill to swallow at times and sometimes I just had to allow myself a moment of pettiness to complain to my girl friends. 

    I also spoke pretty openly with my now-FI about how important it was to me that we move onto the next step soon, and to establish a timeline we could both look forward to together. It kind of helped to have “permission” to be planning our wedding in my head, even if it wasn’t time to be dress shopping yet. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    977 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    annarose2 :  I think you have every right to not be super happy about everybody else’s proposals. Although nobody should rain on their friend’s parade you can’t help how you feel. It may help to sometimes say ‘No to wedding festivities and spend less time on social media where people are announcing engagements. 

    Also, you have every right to wonder when your boyfriend will propose because at 24 you’re an adult (I’m 24 too!). Life and “logistics” shouldn’t get in the way of moving towards marriage. Especially if you’ve already combined your lives in other ways. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    1774 posts
    Buzzing bee

    about 80% of my friends who married before 25 ended up divorced by 30

    I think you should sit down and make a list of how things will change after the marriage license, what are your expectations? If you don’t want kids immediately then relax a little. If you already live together a piece of paper wont change much- taxes and health insurance. You can have a long engagement if you want to feel more commitment.

    I’m just saying, if you believe he’s your soul mate and you’re enjoying life together, there isn’t much to stress about. Rings and parties are materialistic, love is forever.

    Post # 7
    Member
    21 posts
    Newbee

    annarose2 :  24 is old enough to know. I knew for sure I wanted to marry my boyfriend then. Yes I know people on here will tell you “oh you’re 24, you’ve got time.” But next thing you know you’re that woman who’s been waiting 10 years and you’re posting about that. So you are perfectly okay to be wanting marriage right now. Does he willingly and openly discuss marriage with you? Have you set a specific timeline together? In my experience, unless you are truly okay with waiting and just seeing “when” it happens, you should set a specific timeline together. If the guy won’t oblige, set one in your mind. Unless a guy just does it randomly before you have the chance to get antsy (and that timeframe is different for different women), then it just means you’ve surpassed your “surprise” stage as I like to call it!! Haha. Doesn’t mean the proposal can’t still be a surprise, just means as time goes on, you need more clarity and specifications. And the older you get, the more you value a little more clarity and planning and are willing to sacrifice some of the “when will he propose?!” Excitement for the “when will he propose?! At least I know by x date there will be a ring on my finger”. For the sake of your sanity and direction of YOUR own life. So I recommend figuring out a timeline! 

    Post # 8
    Member
    37 posts
    Newbee

    I went through this a couple months ago (and still do sometimes now). One thing that really helped me was taking a step back from social media. I was constantly seeing engagements being posted, rings, weddings, even babies. And would lose my mind at least once a week. I was just getting more and more miserable every time I saw someone else getting engaged and that wasn’t fair to my friends or boyfriend. 

    At the same time, I had a serious talk with my boyfriend. I respected that he needs to want to get married as well but that I needed him to see how it was affecting me emotionally. I didn’t in any way give an ultimatium but I did tell him that after another year, I would be a wreck. Its hard not to feel jealous and unwanted when you’re ready and hes not. But it’s a two way street and he needs to take my feelings on the matter in mind as well. 

    We now have a timeline of getting engaged this year, then having a year or more to plan the wedding. I sent him my ring choices so I know that he can order it when he wants. It gives me some peace of mind to know at least the gears are turning. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    95 posts
    Worker bee

    yupmarried :  I agree with this. I mean I would also ask questions like are you guys financially stable to support yourselves? both have fulfilling carreers where you are growing as individuals and fiancially? plan on having children soon?. Have spoken about the expectations in a marriage?

    I think alot of young women start looking around them and seeing what is happening around them and they want the same things. When I was 24 it happened to me too. Alot of friends were in long term relationships, married and I was SINGLE. You should be happy for your friends but DO NOT let that get to you. If you start hitting a later age, and your boyfriend has not proposed then you can start having a more serious conversation. 

    Also yes alot of people who marry young, end up divirced because people change alot in their 20’s. It sounds like your relatioship is stable which is what should be important. 

    Also speak with your boyfriend and share your feelings. He will understand. I would probably start talking timelines with him to make sure you guys are on the same page of WHEN you want things. This will give you a better idea of where he is mentally. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    2 posts
    Wannabee

    I have a pretty similar situation. My boyfriend (26) and I (25) have been dating for 6 years now. He’s mentioned marriage casually here and there for the first 5 years, but we didn’t start seriously considering it until we both finished our undergraduate degrees and got jobs in our respective fields. I’m very ready for marriage now and feel like I’ve been waiting forever, but we’ve only been ready for marriage for the past year-ish.

    I’ll give you the same advice that I, myself, have been trying to take. Just enjoy your relationship as it is. You should concentrate on what he does (making you happy) than concentrate on what he doesn’t do (propose). Chances are that if he’s constantly seeing happy engaged couples, he’ll be thinking about a future as well. Good luck with everything, definitely know how you feel!

    Post # 11
    Member
    242 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2018 - Vaughan, ON

    You’re not wrong for feeling the way you do. I’ve been here also. Although I was 21 when we first met and waited 8 years. Take it as a blessing that you’ve had a significant amount of time to really know eachother. Some couples meet get engaged and married within 3-5 years or sooner. They don’t necessarily know their partners ins and outs or even have had the trivial arguments most couples experience. So yes although it sucks big time watching others around you experience the next step… don’t let it determine the value of your relationship or feel your personal time line needs to meet theirs. If your happy with the relationship just enjoy it. As long as you both have a mutual understanding that you want to further the relationship then I wouldn’t worry too much. Let him know where you want to be in your life and if you have certain truthful timelines in mind. If he’s still on the fence about marriage… well then that’s another convo. Does he give excuses or do you nag him about the topic at all?

    Post # 12
    Member
    949 posts
    Busy bee

    annarose2 :  I know that feeling, even though I only really started feeling it myself when I was in the 2nd half of my 20s, when we were reaching the 10 year marker in our relationship. Feeling frustrated is definitely understandable and doesn’t make you terrible, I think it’s perfectly understandable.

    What helped me at that point was trying to focus on steps I could take to make myself happier with my life in general and to focus on the strengths of our relationship. I didn’t want to force my husband’s hand and I knew he was going to ask once he felt convinced the timing was right. Would I have liked to have gotten married earlier? Yes, but in hindsight, we got married at a good stage in our lives (wedged between some health issues before our engagement and a period of unemployment that started about 10 months after our wedding) and I don’t regret the fact that we waited 11 years before we got engaged.

    Post # 13
    Member
    433 posts
    Helper bee

    I totally understand why you feel that way – and you have every right to do so. While it is true proposals aren’t a race, I do agree with other posters – you are both adults and logistics shouldn’t be obstacles to moving forward with your life as a couple. What exactly is the hold up? 

    If it finances you can always purchase a cost friendly ring (or no ring at all of you are both okay with that idea) and if there are life goals you are wanting to reach first then what about them makes it impossible/difficult to do while engaged (also keep in mind you can have a long engagement and get everything sorted because married life)? Some people want to do it ‘properly’ and they will wait until they are all sorted and financially ready to do it the way they envisioned at that’s fine, others do what they can with what they have at the time. Neither is right or wrong and it is totally up to the couple but it sounds like you aren’t satisfied with waiting and want to move on to the next phase of your life together so I’m wondering what exactly is stopping you? 

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