- 10 years ago
Hi girls! I’m the mother of a bride-to-be and I have some very serious concerns with her relationship. I apologize for not using all of the abbreviations I’ve seen you use but this is my first post. I’m sure a lot of you have heard this before or read other similar posts but I’m going to relate my story anyway and see what suggestions you will have.
My daughter (21) has been dating and living with her fiance (22) for about 3 years. When I say living with, it has been in his parents house, with siblings. About 9 months into the relationship my daughter and her girlfriend decided to get an apartment together. The fiance objected and threatened the relationship if she did this. After numerous "discussions" she moved but still stayed at "his" house half the time. Another 9 months go by and she decides to break her lease and move to "his" house. None of this is truly cause for concern, I know.
My concern is his attitude towards the relationship. There has been several times when he has either threatened the relationship, tried to lock her out of the house so she couldn’t get her belonging, belittled her, basically says if you don’t like it, leave. She almost did a couple of times. The last time was about 2 months before he proposed. Now they are planning on moving and buying a house before they get married. He can get prequalified and basically buy a place. Now his opinion is "my house, my rules". He calls her constantly while he’s a work and she is not, does his best to prevent her from spending too much time with her friends. She usually just does what he wants so as not to have a big arguement. Now, moving her our of the area, she will be away from all of her friends and family and he will pretty much be in control.
The last time she went back (stayed) with him she says "he’s been trying, he’s changed". I believe he does not view this relationship as a partnership but more like a dictatorship. Some might say old fashioned, as in the man goes to work and the woman stays at home and "obeys".
I want to make her fully aware of my feeling (as well as a lot of her friends) but make sure she knows that I will be there for her, but not for him. He is not welcome at our home. There won’t be cards or gifts for himat holidays. We won’t give her away to himat the wedding since we are opposed. When things go south, and I know they will, I will be there fore her and help get her out of the mess, but I think it is going to be very damaging to her mental health. This is the only long term relationship she has ever had. Only casually dating in high school. Her friends and I all think that she’s afraid to break it off because she’s afraid she won’t find someone else, which is stupid. We think she’s staying in the relationship for a lot of the wrong reasons.
I know, most of you will say MYOB. I understand. But there has to be someone out there that has gone through something similar. I am a very relaxed person. I don’t stress about anything (really!) but I can’t stop thinking about this. I don’t want to lose my daughter, but I don’t want to see her stepped on!
Thanks for reading this. I look forward to seeing your thoughts! Mom