Post # 1
I have been friends with two girls for +12 years, I moved to a different city (2.5 hours drive away) 8 years ago but we have stayed friends over the years. We have had ups and downs as all relationships do especially long distance ones. I am recently realizing that they are not the greatest friends to me. I go out of my way to attend things for them in their city ie: Wedding showers, engagement parties, even family funerals. Problem is that they never put in any effort for me and never come and visit me. It takes them days and sometimes weeks for them to respond to emails and sometimes I get nothing back at all. I know that they still want me in their lives as I get invited to things that only a few close friends get invited to. They were both invited to my recent 30th birthday party, they both accepted, they both were in town on the day for other things, neither one showed up, neither one called to say they weren’t coming, neither one called me at all to say sorry they missed it. I asked one of them why she hadn’t come and she had all kinds of lame ass excuses, none of which explained why she couldn’t have had the common courtesy to call and say sorry I’m not coming. I guess part of the problem is, is that i keep thinking and refering to them as 2 of my closest friends when in reality I don’t really think they are.
My fiance has predicted that neither of them will come to our wedding which really upsets me. After my bday party which I was extremely upset that they didn’t come I decided that I can’t keep doing this to myself. I don’t want to be upset that they don’t come to my shower and then to my stagette and then not to my wedding. So I’ve decided that I am not going to invite them to my wedding in January. It’s going to be quite small with only close friends and family. They have always known that I would invite them to my wedding, it was a given. So now that I have changed my mind and decided that I don’t want them at my wedding how do I tell them?
Post # 3
Personally, I don’t think you need to say anything to them. If you’re not close, if you don’t talk all of the time, just don’t invite them. If they ask about it, tell them that it’s for close friends and family and that you had a limited amount of space. It might be the end of your friendship, but it sounded like you were putting in a lot more anyway, so it shouldn’t be that great of a loss.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t say anything to them either.
If they ask… tell them that you had a tight guest capacity. Better yet… tell them they didn’t make the cut. 🙂
I would break it off, if they aren’t great friends and you seem to be upset.. why deal with it? Get over them and move on.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2009 - Bernardo Winery
I agree w/ jma19 – I wouldn’t say anything and if they ask I’d tell them just what she suggested.
Post # 6
I also agree with jma19.
It sounds like they have taken your friendship for granted and if they were honest with themselves they would probably realize that they haven’t been a very good friend to you. You do not owe them an invitation to your wedding especially since it’s going to be small and intimate.
It sounds like you are going through a rough time now that you are starting to realize these two people who were once your best friends are not really that close to you and haven’t made a real effort to be a good friend to you. Life is too short to fake a friendship — you don’t have to be hateful towards them, but your time and energy (and wedding guest list space) is better spent on people who care about you as much as you care about them.
Post # 7
While I can see the point of the other posters, I’d like to play devil’s advocate…
If these women were once great friends, rather than effectively severing the friendship by not inviting them, maybe you could talk to each one individually about your friendship. I would do this in a nonconfrontational way, and just talk about the fact that you miss their presence in your life.
This gives them the chance to improve their behavior if they want to. If they don’t, you still don’t have to invite them.
I’m in my mid-30s, and there is one thing I have learned – it’s hard to make really good girlfriends, especially ones that you share a history with.
Post # 8
Honestly, their actions speak volumes.
I would not invite them and I don’t see any reason to discuss it.
Post # 9
Like DebbieChicago, I also want to play devil’s advocate. While obvoiusly these women are rude and disrespectful, just make sure that you are comfortable sending them this very loud and clear message that your friendship is over by not invititing them to your wedding. That is what you are saying… that you do NOT want to be friends with them anymore. Do you really want them out of your life or are you not inviting them to punish them for being rude to you in the past. I think you have every right in the world to NOT invite them and you do NOT owe them any explanation whatsoever… just make sure you are comfortable with the message and the subsequent reactions that will follow and you are not doing it to "get back" at them.
I actually did something far worse. I am in a cirlcle with three other girlfriends. I also moved far away (VERY far away) for about two years… during which time I became engaged. Two of the friends were very good at communicating and staying in touch and the other was a bit oblivous… which is her style…. When it came time to choose bridesmaids… i didn’t ask that one girl to be one. I just didn’t feel like we were all that close and I only wanted people important/close to me standing up there with me. I sent a very clear message to her but it was not intended as a punishment… just basically saying that that period in our life had come to a graceful conclusion……
Good luck and try to focus on all the really good things and good friends that are with you now! 🙂
Post # 10
Just make sure that you aren’t doing it to punish them for not being there for you. It sounds like you would really like to remain friends with them, but are tired of the effort you put in not being reciprocated. You don’t need to be sorry if you decide not to invite them, but, on the other hand, it is really hard to make good girlfriends.
You may want to give them a chance before you make the decision and have a conversation with them about it. You really have very little to lose if you follow DebbieChicago’s advice. After all, if it doesn’t go well, you were strongly considering not inviting them, anyway. If it does go well, you may end up with better friends.