(Closed) How can I trust him again?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

it sounds like you need some support! You came to the right place for the hugs, but I would really suggest some counceling for the two of you, and if you can’t get to a point where you are happy, then get out. Period.

Relationships aren’t easy but they shouldn’t be miserable or one sided. Who performed your ceremony? Do you have a minister you could speak to or maybe a professional mariage counselor? If he won’t try to make it better then I think you can’t do anymore. Cheating is something I think should be dealt with at a zero tolerance level, and if he doesn’t feel like he needs to earn back your trust and respect then he doesn’t deserve you period.

Post # 4
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wait — because he didn’t call girls, he just went so far as to get their numbers (multiple numbers!) and also give out his own, he still cares about your feelings?? They’re joking, right?

I don’t know if I’d go so far as to immediately divorce, but it sounds like a trial separation and some major counseling are in order. Why does he need to get these girls’ numbers and act like he’s still on the market if he’s really happy in the marriage? If I were you, I would be SO upset. It’s like he needs to know he could still get another girl if he wanted to, and that’s not the way a loving husband should act. 

I am really sorry that you’re going through this, and I apologize if I’m coming off as harsh. I just hate it when men behave badly and women (your friends) justify their behavior by telling you to stifle your own needs, namely, your need to be the #1 woman in his life without worrying about him meeting random chicks in bars. 

Post # 5
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Umm…I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with your friends here.  If I am inferring correctly, you discovered that your husband had given out his phone number to several women, telling them that he was single.  He did not come to you to confess this fact.  He regretted getting caught and stopped doing it for a few months, and then got another woman’s number.  This is very inappropriate behavior which needs to be addressed.  If you would like to stay in this relationship, your husband will have to go to counseling and explore the reasons behind his behavior.  If, after a great deal of work, he understands what causes his behavior, is truly sorry about the pain he has caused you and is willing to promise to never come near this line again, you can decide if you want to stay in this marriage. 

Post # 6
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Your husband not calling back the most recent girl doesn’t necessarily mean he cares about your feelings- it just means he doesn’t want to get caught.

I would not tolerate a relationship where I had to police my husband to keep him from cheating on me.  You should trust your husband to do the right thing regardless of whether or not he will get caught.

If you don’t trust your husband, it’s a serious problem.

I don’t know if I would jump immediately to divorce.  Have you considered marital counseling?  There are tried and true methods for rebuilding trust in relationships- perhaps that will help your relationship.

My biggest piece of advice is to trust your gut feelings- if you think he has been or will be unfaithful, you are probably right.

Sorry you are going through this.  Best of luck.

Post # 7
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Yeah, yikes.  Just because he didn’t talk to the most recent girl doesn’t mean he’s respecting you.  If he was, the girl wouldn’t have gotten his number in the first place.  No level of intoxication makes a husband handing out his number acceptable.  Sorry to say but I really don’t think anybody in a marriage should be in the business of policing the other’s actions.  Like everybody else, counseling is a good idea, and just trust your own intuition.

 

Good luck, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this!

Post # 8
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

Friendly banter with a female is one thing… exchanging phone numbers, talking in secret, clubbing and telling them he’s single?  I’m sorry to say that those would be deal-breakers for me.  Whether he chalks it up to boredom in his unemployment or being drunk, that’s no excuse.  He took a vow to be with you till death do you part, and regardless if anything physical has happened with these other girls, that still doesn’t make it okay.  He is not only lying to you, but he’s telling people he is SINGLE!

Of course he didn’t call that new girl or answer when she called him — he knows you’re onto him.  The fact that he knows you’ll be checking his call records proves to you both that there is a lack of trust there.  I’m skeptical about how you say that things are so much better now and he is so affectionate and sweet.  I would have a hard time believing that his affection is genuine or if he is just trying to make up for some pretty huge mistakes.  Affection and kindness do not equal honesty and faithfulness. Love is one thing — but it’s nothing without honesty and faithfulnes.

I am very sorry that you are in this situation… but if this happened to one of my friends, I would have to tell them to wake up and get out before kids are involved.  I’m sorry to be so blunt.  You just should not have to put up with this and you deserve someone who doesn’t lie or go behind your back.

Post # 9
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

Um, if my fiance was giving his number out to random women and telling them he was single, and my friends told me I was being insecure and jealous, I’d dump them all.

 

Your friends are wrong.  You cannot allow that behavior to continue while you turn a blind eye, because it will only get worse when he finds women who ARE interested.  That is absolutely unacceptable behavior in a marriage and in my mind constitutes infidelity.

 

I second the advice that you seek marital counseling..  Don’t rush to divorce, as counseling might help you learn to trust again.  Best wishes to you and your husband, and I’m so sorry you’re having so much trouble right now.  I hope things work out for you. 

Post # 11
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

These are the habits that tend to never change.

It sounds like he’s making an attempt to change…but ultimately he’ll never be 100% reformed. I’m predicting this through what I’ve seen in my own experience, as well as seeing friends go through similar situations. 

You have the power to change things…you just have to be strong and do it. 

Post # 12
Member
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

if he won’t change then it won’t get better! If he hurts you it doesn’t matter if it is “wrong” or allowed, the point is it hurts and he won’t stop. If any of my girlfriends told me they were in this situation, I’d make up the couch, send my guy for their stuff and have them start calling attorneys.

If he won’t stop and do what it takes get out now! just remember- YOU are better off.

Post # 13
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

You say he’s changed, but then you say that you found a new girl’s number just yesterday. He’s changed his outward behavior toward you to make you less suspicious, or that’s what it seems like, and it seems to have worked — for a while. But if even when he’s being so apparently sweet he’s still giving out numbers (she tried to call him just this last Thursday!) then that’s not really changing. That’s lying.

Post # 14
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

Re: marital counseling, as my beloved Dear Abby ALWAYS writes to people with marital problems- if your husband won’t go to marital counseling, go alone.  At a minimum, it can help you figure out what YOU need to do– divorce or otherwise.

Post # 15
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

 The fact that he lied about the situation in the first place just proves that he knew what he was doing was wrong enough to keep it from you. I’m sorry you are going through this but giving his number and taking numbers from women and telling them he is single is wrong no matter which way you look at it. The fact that you have lost trust in him and you checking his phone records is reason enough for him to want to go to counseling and gain your trust back and wok on the marriage!! Firmly "suggest" it again even if you find the counselor yourself and set up the appointment yourself. At that point it will be on him to want to work things out.

I hope things work out for the best and wish you luck.

Post # 16
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. If he won’t go to marriage counseling with you, then go without him—and don’t hide it from him (let him know you’re going, and invite him to come. Keep the door open to coming even if he turns you down). It’s like how people with relatives who are alcoholics go to Al-Anon—not because they are alcoholics but because the people they care about are, and that is also a big burden to bear and deal with.

It will help you sort this out, because it sounds like your relationship is in serious trouble, even though you are not the one who’s misbehaving. His behavior mirrors the Cycle of Abuse (even though he may not be actually hitting you or yelling at you), because periods of misbehavior are followed by seeming reform, where everything is sunshine and roses, but inevitably it slips back to bad times again. It’s the alternation between love and hurt that keeps people hanging on, because you think, maybe this time he’s really turned a corner….but when you see signs of the old ways showing through the nice new exterior, it means it’s not real change. At least not yet.

Best of luck to you.

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