- 11 years ago
- Wedding: July 2009
Abuse can be both emotional or physical. This seems like a classic case of abuse. He abuses you emotionally and then ‘apologizes’ or pretends it never happened. This is a cycle and it won’t end. It might seem ok for now, but it will happen again. He will either put more blame on you or acuse you of something. He is unable to take responsibility for his actions. In his eyes he is doing nothing wrong. If I were you I would find a strong group of people to surround yourself with and separate yourself emotionally and physically. You need to regain a sense of who you are and that you are a STRONG WOMAN that does not need to be treated as anything other than a princess.
Head for the hills Honey…..once a cheater alway a cheater.
I haven’t read all the post on here b/c its just too many but I’m curious to know how your hubby goes out all the time and he doesn’t have a job. Who is actually footing the bill while he is out chasing skirts? When is he applying for jobs? Your friends are complete idiots and you should consider replacing all of them. They actually all sound like they have low self esteem if they would advise you to just stick it out b/c he gave his number out BUT he didn’t talk to the chick. Thats a bunch of CRAP!!! They should be lifting you up right up. How many of your friends are in great relationships? You know misery loves company. As far as your hubby goes he sounds like a LOSER for treating you that way. At the end of the day you can listen to all we have to say but ultimately its up to you to make the decision on what to do as we are on the outside looking in. I don’t know if anyone else has asked you but are there any kids involved in this relationship? Please sit down and weigh your options. If your hubby is out talking to women he could possibly be sleeping with these women and right now there are things out there that can kill you. No more just taking a antibiotic and you’re good in 7 days. My vote is to leave him. He’s probably only being super nice and affectionate b/c he is out of work and don’t want his gravy train to leave him.
Babyjen – i like many women out there (more than you can imagine) was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. it is amazing to see and hear how the cycle of abuse is so similar in every single case. i am sorry to have to say this, but your husbands behavior also fits that cycle of abuse. you are never going to feel ready to leave. it will hurt and you will still love him, but you will get through it and find happiness that you never imagined possible with someone else.
please continue to keep us updated. we worry about you. xoxo
Babyjen – Just wanted to say good luck with your session tomorrow. Thanks for keeping us posted on your situation. Ee really are worried about you and want to see you safe.
And I can’t help but say, please get out before it’s too late.
To answer your question….my husband is currently out of job. He seems to have a lot of money saved up. Also his parents have given him some money to save in case we need to use it some day. Supposely the money is for both of us, but my husband keeps it a secret and never tells me how much money he has. He is currently using these money to get by. In front of people, they know he’s out of job but he acts like he can get by. We’ve even gone out several times were he has treated my friends to dinner. I do feel in this sense my hubby is a loser because he is so lazy that he doesn’t even try to look for a job. Luckily he’s able to pay for his share. All the bills are slipt in half, so I pay for my share. Also we do not have kids. I don’t want one at all. I know having a kid will bring more trouble to this marriage.
I have one good friend that told me I should leave this marriage. She said what have I got to lose? I make a good living, I not bad looking, and I can afford to take care of myself. She’s right. I have read all the posts and I know everyone advise me to leave this relationship…..but I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to just move on. I truly love him so much. I’ve seen the changes in him. He has pretty much stopped going out. When he does go out, he will tell me exactly where he goes and who he goes with. Like last Friday he went out with his guy friend to hang out nearby my house and then went to a cafe to grab some food afterwards. I actually ran into him by accident when I went out with my friends. He didn’t lie and there was no girls involved. I have to admit that I still check his call records and look at his cell phone when he’s showering. There is no new numbers and the phone calls are only his friends. He really change on this part. There are a few times I will get mad and complain about something, he would actually take into consideration of what I have to say and treat me even more nicer. He seems to sense I really had the thought of leaving. Like couple days ago, I wrote down a name and phone number on a piece of napkin and accidently left it on the kitchen counter. The writing is messy but says like "Lee" with some number. He actually called me at work and asked if I still need that napkin. And he kinda say "why you have, oh forget it?" Ha that number was me randomly writing down an apartment place and the name of the person to contact. But my hubby probably thought I was starting to see guys. I did tell him a week prior to that incident where I went to the gym, and some guy asked me out.
Anyways, the past Monday my hubby told me he made plans for tonight. He said he saw on the news that a mall nearby is opening a new expansion of 30 stores. So he wanted to take me out to dinner there and catch a movie. I’m looking forward to tonight. Like I said things are getting better. I still choose to stay and see how things go. In the meantime, I have made myself stronger. So if I do see any signs of abuse and really nasty arguments, I will definitely walk out that same day. I’m prepared. I even know where I would move to. I have it planned out. I’ll keep you guys posted on how my session goes tomorrow with my counselor.
You remind me a lot of my Maid/Matron of Honor except she isn’t married. She has been in a relationship with her on again off again boyfriend for 4 yrs or so now. Right now they aren’t in a relationship but she wants to be. On New Years Eve this past year they went out together and he got really drunk and said some things to her that peaked her curiosity and she went thru his phone. Not only did she find txt messages but she found out by talking to the girls that he’s practically been in a COMMITTED relationship with them also. Once she confronted him he totally flipped the script and broke up with her. Said he couldn’t trust her since she went through his phn and he said he didn’t want to deal with it anymore. At this point I’m tripping b/c how could she let this happen. He should’ve been apologizing or begging her not to leave or something but he made it her fault. She also found out he has a secret twitter page and she found MORE women he has been dating. In spite of all he has done she refuses to let it go. She claims to still be in love with him. I’m confused. I think she should as well as yourself love yourself more and leave. You don’t have any kids tying you together which is a big reason why some ppl don’t leave. Get out while you can. I’m sure you can handle things on your own and that you are a great looking person so don’t waste it on him. When I think of how a man should be the first thing that comes to mind is hardworking and thats not your hubby. He still gets money from his MOMMY AND DADDY. I’ve read that the both of you go out a party a lot and I’m not sure of your ages but thats a big problem. I’m not saying you should be a prude and never hang with your friends but once your married you should do things together as a couple or with other married couples. It never works out to hang with single friends all the time. I’m not saying cut them out but keep it to a limit. Really do you even want him to hang with the same friends who would hang with him and THE OTHER WOMAN. A REAL FRIEND would have told him that its not right and If thats what he wanted to do he would have no part in it. Keep us posted with how things are going. Like I said before we are all on the outside looking in and its easy for us to tell you to leave b/c everyone has their own breaking point and you just haven’t reached yours yet.
OMG!!!!! I hadn’t read all the post before I replied to you and I just read that he HIT YOU. Please leave. He is the psycho one. Now I know for sure that he is a LOSER. Lets see he is CHEATING ON YOU, HE IS OUT OF WORK, AND HE HITS YOU what could be possibly keeping you there. That to me sounds like 3 strikes your out. How are you benefiting from this relationship? I just see a lot of cons and no pros. I will definently say a extra little prayer for you tonight. I don’t want to scare you but it started with a push about the dog and then it went to a push again and a hit. Its a pattern that could leave to something really drastic happening. Look at the Scott Peterson case or that other Peterson guy who has killed a couple of his wives they all seemed very nice and appeared to love their wives but something went wrong.
Are you in the State of California? The State of California is a community property state. Remember that if you decide to leave him the date of separation if the date you felt like the marriage was over. It doesn’t matter if you still lived together as long as you felt the marriage was over. Just some food for thought. If you live in the State of California you can get help with a divorce especially in Los Angeles County. In the mean time lots of HUGS your way. Oh and if the matter is domestic violence there are even more resources for you. Good luck with everything!!
Well you’ve also said Jen that you’re NOT going to have kids b/c it would cause more stress in your M.
To me, that’d be the dealbreaker (besides his abuse and cheating). It would be the dealbreaking trifecta.
Wanting to build a life, a family together is the goal of many married people. Not wanting kids b/c it might "stress things out" is NO way to live.
Have a valid question for you…did you venture over the marriagebuilders? The site for healing and helping marriages? Did you?
You’ve never directly answered me or any of my questions. I want to know what is the logical thing for you to do. If you were listening to your best friend, and she told you all this what would YOU TELL HER TO DO?
Please answer me directly here. 1)did you take these problems to the marriagebuilders site? 2)what advice would you give your best friend to do if she told you all this stuff was happening in HER marriage?
Thank you for your concern. I have not venture over the marraige builder site yet. I will take a look tonight. I know if the situation happened to my best friends or sister, I would definitely tell them they deserve someone better. It is best to leave. It is easy for an outsider to say break up but the one that is actually living it, it’s difficult. I love my husband so much. I’ve seen the changes in him. I strongly feel that he realize his mistake and is putting effort to change. I will give it one last chance and see how things go. So far everything is getting better each day. I feel I can still make this marriage work.
My session with my counselor this past Saturday was not really what I expected. I felt she wasn’t much help. She basically said I either choose to leave him or if I decide to stay, I would need to work on myself to be stronger. That she would teach me ways to handle an argument and not to escalate the problem even more. I will still go probably 2 more sessions. If I still think she’s not much help, I will stop going.
That’s great Babyjen.
My question to you is this..why is this YOUR responsibility? HE NEEDS TO CHANGE. Simply trying when he has severe anger issues (which if you went to the police or if a relative called them on him would wind him up in jail), chronic lying problem, and could potentially harm you OTHER THAN BY PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL INJURY…for if he cheats in this day and age he could bring home a sexually transmitted disease to you and that’s something you never get over…
He should be at a therapists/shrink’s office. HE SHOULD BE DOING THE HARD WORK.
I loved my xh too. But there came a time and place where I realized I couldn’t save him and that unless he truly wanted to change himself, that would never happen. You can’t love somebody through that. Nope. won’t work. My x is in a pickle now bc/he did something serious with yet another woman and he’s of course married too…serious.
Wanting to change, trying to change, is the MANTRA of all abusers. They wish they could be different, but they fall into their old habits unless they go to serious counselling and get on meds and have extensive therapy to deal with the severe anger issues and lying? That’s a whole OTHER problem there..that could be the sign of a much more serious personality disorder or mental illness. My xh was a chronic liar.
I still loved my xh when I divorced him…but it was the RIGHT thing to do because I was a mom, my child saw what he was doing and I didn’t want my child growing up seeing his mother be treated so badly and thinking that’s how a man should treat a woman. Plus I wanted a home of peace and love and no stress. I walked on eggshells with that man. For two years I did. Until I could take no more. I sobbed as I signed the papers, but he refused flat out to change. When he realized he’d have to give up his ways forever and go into intensive therapy, he said nope. He couldn’t and didnt’ want to do it. And he never did the hard work it would have taken (therapy and psychiatrist) to get healthy.
What’s your goal here? I just want to know..were you planning a vow renewal or something?" I know you’ve been married a while..just wondering. Most women here are in the happiest days of their lives. Did he promise you that?
Please please go to the site http://www.marriagebuilders.com . There are MANY wise people over there who could help you…If you pm’d me I could tell you several very wise people there to contact who have helped many many…but you cannot save a marriage alone. And his word sadly isn’t good enough..HE NEEDS SERIOUS HELP.
I wish I could offer you more hope. I cannot. Unless HE IS THE ONE who goes through the serious counselling and sees both a therapist and psychiatrist to get help for his many issues it’s a no-go imho. But it’s good for you to go b/c YOU NEED TO GET STRONG..even if it’s only to get strong enough to leave him or to work on the issues that are making you stay with him.
Wish you all of the best. Keeping you in my prayers.
WOW! I COMPLETELY agree with bellenga. He is the classic case of an ABUSER! You can sit there and act like things will change, but they NEVER will. NEVER! When I was a kid, I watched my mom be abused by a man, and Women Helping Women was a great resource, not only for my mom, but for us kids too. You have gotten some GREAT advice here, and I think you need to take it. I feel like I am going to be watching a Lifetime movie special about you one day. THIS MAN IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE! I say, good for you for going to the gym, maybe you need to throw in some self defense classes and break his nose or kick his face in the NEXT time he hits you. And believe me, HE WILL. Give it time. Have a bag at your step mom’s house, get some new friends b/c yours sound like they SUCK, keep some money hidden from him b/c he does that with you! You should RESPECT yourself enough to not wait for the next time and get the hell outta there now while you still have all your teeth and no black eyes or broken bones. You’re not being very smart about this, but my prayers are with you and I hope you make the RIGHT desicion. YOU are not the one that needs to seek a psychaitrist. HE DOES. He sounds like he has some MAJOR personality disorders going on there. I read EVERY one of these posts, and you are souding like the classic case abused woman. You are making excuses for him, and I know in your HEART, you know things won’t work out in the end. Good luck and please let us know how you are doing.
Hi Wedding Bees,
I just want to update you all on how I’m doing.
In August, my husband and I got into an argument again. It started from me telling him about my friend who broke up in a 12 year realtionship. Out of the blue, he has to mention about us. He was saying stuff like “well I wish I was married to a wife who is supportive and understanding.” “who will let me do what I want.” So I said, “well, I wish I’m married to an honest and respectful husband.” In which I brought up the past again about him talking to other girls. This had lead to antoher arguement where he pushed me again. This time I called the cops. The cops gaved him a warning. A week after the incident, my relationship has been on and off. The bad days, he would put me down. I feel so degraded with him calling me names, saying how immature I am.
Well, I have finally decided to leave him. I just moved into a new apartment the past Sat. Right now, I am so happy that I have moved on and get out of this misery. I feel at peace now and am very happy living independently. My advise to others, think throughly and make sure you know who you are marrying before you make the vows. When I got married I was just to naive and didn’t think about anythng. If you are having problems during engagement and think that things will get better when you married. Let me tell you that is WRONG. In my cases, when I was engaged my huband already had a bad temper. I thought things will get better. The first year was great. But the remaing 3 yrs just keep getting worse. 4yrs of marrige and this is what I go through. At least I finally have the strength and courage to move on. I know it’s not healthy for me to stay. It’s just gonna turn me crazy and into someone that I’m not.
Thank you all for reading my post and all the great advises you guys have given me. At the time of my first post I was feeling so low in life. I felt it was the end of the world. But all the great support and adivse from all you fellow bees have given me strength and clear mind to move on.
I’m am now so happy decorating my new apartment =)
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