Post # 1
I’m going to give the quickest background on the family situation that I can. There has been on going drama for two years. My Fiance and I have been together 6 years and engaged for three years. During the last two years for the most part my Fiance refused to speak to them. Deal was Future Mother-In-Law had to come to our city (about two hours away) and work out whatever her issues are with me with me. And basically stop putting my Fiance in the middle. She didn’t want to do that. She wanted us all to meet at her house, with her husband and other son who lives in a foreign country (who has NOTHING to do with this) there as well.So the situation has gone unresolved basically.
Three months out frm the wedding she asks if we are willing to go to counseling. we sort of agreed, at least to the intitial visit. Since we are two hours away it had to be over the phone. There was a lot of misinformation given to us about how the counseling would work. It was pretty typical of his inlaws.
Finally my Fiance and I spoke witht he counselor on the phone, just us. We went through our concerns about it. The counselor wanted everything to be resolved before the wedding (three months out). And she wasn’t informed that the problems had been going on for years (typical). So we had to set some things straight with her.I really don’t feel like we can solve a problem that has been going on this long in a matter of three months. I feel like it would just aggrovate everything more.
And we can’t handle the stress at this moment of trying to fix several years worth of problems, plan our wedding, rennovate our house (we are getting ready to sell it) and adopt out several stray kittens we are fostering all at once. We are stressed to the max. So we agreed to try to fix this inlaw problem AFTER the wedding depending on Future Mother-In-Law behavior at the wedding. The counselor thought this was reasonable.
The wedding is now two months out. Future Mother-In-Law has sent an email saying she doesn’t support our union. That we need to all four get together, and resolve it before the wedding (the counselor told her it had to be fixed between just me and her, not involve the whole family. She also told her to stop putting my Fiance in the middle- not that Future Mother-In-Law listens to anyone). And in the email she said the memory of the tension between us and her would outlive the memory of our wedding decorations (right, because the wedding deocrations are the most important memory- not like our wedding cermony is important at all or all the people who do love and support us being there). She basically ranted about how she couldn’t stand to have people congradulate her when she doesn’t support our marriage.
My Fiance hasn’t responded to the email (its been over a week). He is talking to the counselor about how to best approach it. But basically he doesn’t want his mother there at all if she can’t support the wedding. The counselor agreed that she shouldn’t come if she can’t be respectful and supportive. And the counselor is going to speak with my FI’s mother about her email….
But basically we may have to uninvite them to the wedding. I don’t want more drama.I feel like it was a mistake to invite them in the first place. After all we could have changed our minds and sent it out later but having to take it back sucks. She may decide not to come on her own… but my Fiance would still like his father to come. And his father never stands up to her and always does whatever she wants. We assume that she will make the decision for both of them without asking his feelings.
Any advice for how to deal with potentially uninviting her? And how to ask his dad if he can be his own person and attend the wedding without her? Also worried about her just showing up if we do uninvite her…
Weddings should really be happy. I’m tired of dealing with this non-sense.
Post # 3
You never said how everything started. Like why was there a fall out in the first place?
I wouldn’t be able to advise someone on what to do because for all I know the fall out may not be her doing therefore uninviting her may cause more problems than what it’s worth. And I don’t see why you couldn’t have gone to see them at their house whether his brother was there or not.
Post # 4
Wow thats intense. I am sorry you have to deal with this. If you HAVE to uninvite them I would just be straightforward and tell her that you only want guests who are happily sharing in your day, and since she won’t, she is not welcomed.
Post # 5
It’s intense. While you said you don’t want your Fi in the middle it’s his family, and he has to take the lead on dealing with it. What reason does she have for not liking you? In this case perhaps the best thing is to agree to disagree and tolerate each other for the sake of your husband. Don’t engage in her drama and keep your distance.
Post # 6
@Irish-bride I’ve been posting on bee since the start of my engagement. Most of my posts are sadly about this situation. And you see how long this post was… explaining it is longer and people get tired of reading. If you want to know the details you can read my past posts about it. I’m not really sure why she doesn’t like me- she’s never been forthcoming about it, though my Fiance has asked.
And to answer the visiting question… in six years, she has visited us ONCE. We used to drive to their place about 10 times a year and visit for whole weekends. The one time she visited us was a very short day trip. We also have several pets that need medication twice a day- any time we go out of town (or won’t be back by their schedule pill time) we have to get someone to come over to watch them. She doesn’t have that problem. And she herself is in good health and in her late 50s. So there is no reason why she can’t make the trip other than she likes everything to be on her turf.
Post # 7
@JaneDomani: Then the main problem is she is the matriarch of the family. Clearly she has always been the one in charge over everything.
I would quit talking through a councillor and talk with her directly. Why not ask her outright what her problem actually is but beforehand tell her that you don’t want an argument. It’s also worth reminding her that someday you will have children and you would prefer it if you started to make compromises right now instead of further down the line. Tell her the last thing you want is for your future children to sense any animosity between you two. Uninviting her to your wedding will cause further damage to this family.
Post # 8
It’s her loss not your’s.. she chose to be this way.. you try to work it out with just you two but she insist on making this a family thing when its not!… I say uninvite her if it comes to it and enjoy your wedding… not point on dwelling on the past when you are trying to create a magical future
Post # 9
I would not univite, but leave the ball in her court. If Fiance is really ok with his parents not being there, then he should let her know if she can’t support the marriage and behave like and adult for one day then maybe it would best if she didn’t come. Let her decide if she can follow these requests. I think uninviting her completely would create more drama than anything.
Post # 10
Frankly, all this sit-down, counseling, confrontation stuff sounds like an enormous power play and just an excuse to create more drama. Maybe I’m pessimistic, but I find it a little naive if everyone believed these long-standing issues were going to be resolved through a simple meeting. (No knock on you, OP, it was good of you to agree to try but it just sounds next to impossible.)
I don’t think you have any choice but to disengage. Let her know that if she can’t support the marriage and act gracious at the wedding, then she should stay home. And even after the wedding, I wouldn’t get sucked back into the “we have to work it out” drama. If you both want to make an effort to bury the hatchet, great, but this push-pull dynamic (“you come here to talk” “no, you come HERE to talk” “no, you go to my counselor to talk”) is toxic for all of your relationships and should be avoided.
Post # 11
@sportsgal31: Pretty much what I was going to say, too.
Post # 12
@sportsgal31 & LaCroix:Honestly, I wasn’t in favor of the counseling. I did tell the counselor my concerns that Future Mother-In-Law has the wrong mindset to resolve the issues between us- but the counselor said it doesn’t matter what motivates people to go to therapy. Only that they go to therapy and follow the rules outlined in therapy (I doubt she will). We haven’t been attempting the counseling too long yet- but I still am not hopeful about it. I’m going through the motions because my Fiance asked me to. I am hoping that he will have some closure if we have tried everything.
Based on Future Mother-In-Law continued emails to my Fiance (she never contacts me), it seems her mind set is still very focused on hoping we won’t get married and getting in the way of our marriage. I really don’t want her around me or my future children. I would never tell my Fiance not to talk to his mother, but he doesn’t want a relationship with her if she can’t have one with me and our future children.
I guess there isn’t any tactful way to univite someone from the wedding. I was sort of hoping there was! And I guess if his father is going to let Future Mother-In-Law prevent him from coming to the wedding there really isn’t anything we can do about that.
His parents plan to move to south america in 2-4 years, so I don’t really expect them to be involved in our future- even if we were on good terms- and we are not. I sort of think that attempting to fix this is stupid when we know they are moving so far away. If they don’t visit us when they are two hours away, they are not going to visit when it involves a plane flight.
Narf. I want to be married! Like right now! I think the drama will die back after the wedding is over.
Post # 13
If you are ready to cut off all contact with this woman then yes, un-invite her. But this can be a relationship ending move, both with her and the rest of your FI’s family, so tread carefully.
Post # 14
@JaneDomani: I’m confused why you’ve been encouraged to deal with Future Mother-In-Law directly. Shouldn’t Fiance be your advocate with his mother? IMO, you shouldn’t have to deal with any of FMIL’s issues with you! FI needs to nip this – like yesterday! I would not uninvite them or make a public declaration of the fact. Many MIL’s have issues with the person their child chooses to marry. This is not a new thing. Many come around after the fact. I would NOT make any more effort to try to communicate with her and let Fiance deal with his mother!
regarding her email: blow it off. So, she has to put on her big girl panties and deal with people congratulating her on a union she isn’t giving her seal of approval. Big whoop. This wedding isn’t about HER. It’s about her son and you and the start of your lives together as husband and wife.
Post # 15
@JaneDomani: Even if they move farther away or to another country, at the end of the day these 2 are still the grandparents of your future children. Is it ok to cut ties with grandma and grandpa and if so, will your children think in the future at the first signs of a fall out that as it was acceptable for you guys to cut ties then it’s acceptable for your children to do the same with you? Will fighting be an acceptable thing in your married lives?
And what happens if grandma and grandpa come back? Will the future children be used as weapons between you guys? You don’t want your problems extending to the next generation do you? And of course these things will not be sorted out overnight. Pick up the phone and start talking now and keep talking and when grandma and grandad ask if they can have the kids over for a holiday, come to birthday parties, graduations and perhaps the weddings of your own children, you will be glad that you did.
Ofcourse your wedding isn’t about her, who even suggested that it was? This wedding is about you and your fiancé, but don’t make the mistake of uninviting your future mother inlaw as this will be looked upon as the cause of many issues for years to come.
Post # 16
I know this is a really awful situation, and (only going by the information in this post), I think you should try and get your fiance to sort this out with his mother. She is his mother, not yours, and if your parents had an issue with your fiance, I would hope you would be the one to deal with it. As many previous posters said, loads of MILs have issues with their sons getting married. My mum hated my SIL right up until about six months before the wedding, and since getting engaged, my Future Mother-In-Law (who I usually get on with really well) has been a little funny about how her son is “treated”.
You say that you Future Mother-In-Law won’t meet you and your fiance at your house and instead demands you meet at her hometown – why not aim for halfway? Sure, it sucks that you feel you and your fiance are the ones always going to her house, but I think here, you need to meet in neutral territory. Just Future Mother-In-Law and your fiance – while this may be about you, it’s something that your fiance should have sorted out with his mother as soon as it started.
Also, you mentioned that you are just “going through the motions” with the counselling. The counsellor told you that engaging in therapy is the most important thing – are you engaging to the best of your ability?? This is family! You can’t have a lifelong family feud, simply because you couldn’t be bothered to put in the effort with counselling (sure, Future Mother-In-Law may not be engaging as well as she could, but don’t ever let anyone say you didn’t do your best).
Ultimately, I don’t know the full story here, but whatever it is, is it really worth potentially cutting your fiance’s family out of your lives? If she really is such a matriarch then, not only could your fiance’s relationship with her be down the drain, but the relationship with his father, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins…it has repercussions. Lots of them. Not to mention when you have children, they may never get the chance to know their grandparents or cousins. If that’s something you’re able to deal with, then by all means, disinvite your Future Mother-In-Law from the wedding.