(Closed) How can uninvite FMIL to our wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You never said how everything started. Like why was there a fall out in the first place? 

 

I wouldn’t be able to advise someone on what to do because for all I know the fall out may not be her doing therefore uninviting her may cause more problems than what it’s worth. And I don’t see why you couldn’t have gone to see them at their house whether his brother was there or not. 

Post # 4
Member
5423 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2012

Wow thats intense.  I am sorry you have to deal with this.  If you HAVE to uninvite them I would just be straightforward and tell her that you only want guests who are happily sharing in your day, and since she won’t, she is not welcomed.

Post # 5
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It’s intense. While you said you don’t want your Fi in the middle it’s his family, and he has to take the lead on dealing with it. What reason does she have for not liking you? In this case perhaps the best thing is to agree to disagree and tolerate each other for the sake of your husband. Don’t engage in her drama and keep your distance.

Post # 7
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@JaneDomani:  Then the main problem is she is the matriarch of the family. Clearly she has always been the one in charge over everything.

 

I would quit talking through a councillor and talk with her directly. Why not ask her outright what her problem actually is but beforehand tell her that you don’t want an argument. It’s also worth reminding her that someday you will have children and you would prefer it if you started to make compromises right now instead of further down the line. Tell her the last thing you want is for your future children to sense any animosity between you two. Uninviting her to your wedding will cause further damage to this family.

Post # 8
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It’s her loss not your’s.. she chose to be this way.. you try to work it out with just you two but she insist on making this a family thing when its not!… I say uninvite her if it comes to it and enjoy your wedding… not point on dwelling on the past when you are trying to create a magical future

Post # 9
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I would not univite, but leave the ball in her court. If Fiance is really ok with his parents not being there, then he should let her know if she can’t support the marriage and behave like and adult for one day then maybe it would best if she didn’t come. Let her decide if she can follow these requests. I think uninviting her completely would create more drama than anything.

Post # 10
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Frankly, all this sit-down, counseling, confrontation stuff sounds like an enormous power play and just an excuse to create more drama.  Maybe I’m pessimistic, but I find it a little naive if everyone believed these long-standing issues were going to be resolved through a simple meeting.  (No knock on you, OP, it was good of you to agree to try but it just sounds next to impossible.)

I don’t think you have any choice but to disengage.  Let her know that if she can’t support the marriage and act gracious at the wedding, then she should stay home.  And even after the wedding, I wouldn’t get sucked back into the “we have to work it out” drama.  If you both want to make an effort to bury the hatchet, great, but this push-pull dynamic (“you come here to talk” “no, you come HERE to talk” “no, you go to my counselor to talk”) is toxic for all of your relationships and should be avoided.

Post # 11
Member
805 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@sportsgal31:  Pretty much what I was going to say, too.

Post # 13
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you are ready to cut off all contact with this woman then yes, un-invite her.  But this can be a relationship ending move, both with her and the rest of your FI’s family, so tread carefully.

Post # 14
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@JaneDomani:  I’m confused why you’ve been encouraged to deal with Future Mother-In-Law directly.  Shouldn’t Fiance be your advocate with his mother?  IMO, you shouldn’t have to deal with any of FMIL’s issues with you!  FI needs to nip this – like yesterday!  I would not uninvite them or make a public declaration of the fact.  Many MIL’s have issues with the person their child chooses to marry.  This is not a new thing.  Many come around after the fact.  I would NOT make any more effort to try to communicate with her and let Fiance deal with his mother!  

regarding her email:  blow it off.  So, she has to put on her big girl panties and deal with people congratulating her on a union she isn’t giving her seal of approval.  Big whoop.  This wedding isn’t about HER.  It’s about her son and you and the start of your lives together as husband and wife.

Post # 15
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@JaneDomani:  Even if they move farther away or to another country, at the end of the day these 2 are still the grandparents of your future children. Is it ok to cut ties with grandma and grandpa and if so, will your children think in the future at the first signs of a fall out that as it was acceptable for you guys to cut ties then it’s acceptable for your children to do the same with you? Will fighting be an acceptable thing in your married lives? 

 

And what happens if grandma and grandpa come back? Will the future children be used as weapons between you guys? You don’t want your problems extending to the next generation do you? And of course these things will not be sorted out overnight. Pick up the phone and start talking now and keep talking and when grandma and grandad ask if they can have the kids over for a holiday, come to birthday parties, graduations and perhaps the weddings of your own children, you will be glad that you did. 

Ofcourse your wedding isn’t about her, who even suggested that it was? This wedding is about you and your fiancé, but don’t make the mistake of uninviting your future mother inlaw as this will be looked upon as the cause of many issues for years to come.

Post # 16
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I know this is a really awful situation, and (only going by the information in this post), I think you should try and get your fiance to sort this out with his mother. She is his mother, not yours, and if your parents had an issue with your fiance, I would hope you would be the one to deal with it. As many previous posters said, loads of MILs have issues with their sons getting married. My mum hated my SIL right up until about six months before the wedding, and since getting engaged, my Future Mother-In-Law (who I usually get on with really well) has been a little funny about how her son is “treated”.
You say that you Future Mother-In-Law won’t meet you and your fiance at your house and instead demands you meet at her hometown – why not aim for halfway? Sure, it sucks that you feel you and your fiance are the ones always going to her house, but I think here, you need to meet in neutral territory. Just Future Mother-In-Law and your fiance – while this may be about you, it’s something that your fiance should have sorted out with his mother as soon as it started.

Also, you mentioned that you are just “going through the motions” with the counselling. The counsellor told you that engaging in therapy is the most important thing – are you engaging to the best of your ability?? This is family! You can’t have a lifelong family feud, simply because you couldn’t be bothered to put in the effort with counselling (sure, Future Mother-In-Law may not be engaging as well as she could, but don’t ever let anyone say you didn’t do your best).

Ultimately, I don’t know the full story here, but whatever it is, is it really worth potentially cutting your fiance’s family out of your lives? If she really is such a matriarch then, not only could your fiance’s relationship with her be down the drain, but the relationship with his father, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins…it has repercussions. Lots of them. Not to mention when you have children, they may never get the chance to know their grandparents or cousins. If that’s something you’re able to deal with, then by all means, disinvite your Future Mother-In-Law from the wedding.

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