(Closed) How can you “pick and choose” kids

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1425 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

We’re only having FI’s three nephews and niece at the wedding, since they are the kids FBIL (a GM) and Future Sister-In-Law (one of my BMs) and will be flower girl and boy and ring bearers.

We have another couple who has a small child, be we’re only addressing the invite to them. I think, if any of the wedding party has children, and they are traveling a distance to be a part of your wedding, then it would be courteous to let them bring their children. Otherwise, you can address the invitations to only the parents.

Post # 4
Member
9550 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you can get away with it if you limit it to children that are in the wedding or who have a parent in the wedding. Beyond that it gets kinda dicey. I would just say no kids at all beyond these cases. That way you have a very easy limit.

Post # 5
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It’s your wedding!  I don’t see why not.  Maybe only family and wedding party, IF anyone asks?

 

Post # 6
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

I offered a babysitter for parents who couldn’t find their own. That way if children HAD to be in tow, they could at least be away from the party, and thus not interupting. 

Post # 7
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think you could pick and choose which kids without it looking bad.  I’d just say kids or no kids and be firm.

Post # 8
Member
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

This is the exact reason we are hiring babysitters for a room downstairs in our venue. I have seen amazing kids who behave great a grown up events. I have also seen terrors/attention hogs/brats. Some in the brat category have to be invited.

We are making it widely known there is a free room with a babysitter at our venue. I have a few people who I have told to please recommend it to parents who are struggling to know their child’s limits. I have also had no problem telling parents of poorly behaved kids where the playgrounds are. For us, the cost of the babysitter is so small in the grand scheme of our budget and the rewards are so great. Happy parents, happy family, and a bride who doesn’t go bizerk on kids who were never taught manners. 

Post # 9
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Is people expecting to bring their kids to a wedding a relatively new thing? I remember my parents going to weddings growing up and me and siblings weren’t invited…heck, I think they were happier to get out without us. Whatever happened to people leaving their kids with a sitter, and enjoying a night out with adult family and friends? And if people are travelling they can ask you or the hotel concierge for a babysitter recommendation…or even sittercity.com

There is a time and a place for kids, but I think a wedding is an occasion that can be celebrated without your kid, if that’s what the bride and groom request. sorry for the rant—I just don’t understand some people’s rudeness sometimes. 

So to answer your question—it’s your wedding…you can invite whichever kids you want there to celebrate with you, and you don’t need to answer or justify your decisions to anyone! 

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
2603 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

CAN you do this? Yes.

But is it leaving the door open for a lot of consternation? Yes.

The saving grace is that in general, kids who are part of the ceremony are exempt from the “no kids” rule. So your flower girl and ring bearer are not important. Some people also extend the same courtesy for children of BMs and GMs, and children that are still nursing.

The problems that really arise is when you start dicing up family. If you think it’ll bring more headache to do that, then my best suggestion is to plan for kids by hiring babysitters who will be with the kids during the reception–you can oftentimes get a nearby room and have the kids there with the babysitters. If you provide kid meals and trinket bags with dime-store candies and novelties, they’ll probably be even more occupied and less likely to cause issues.

But the other thing is, don’t assume that all kids are brats OR that all parents are lazy. Most parents will remove their kids from the situation if they’re causing a problem–I’ve never been to a wedding in which the DJ had to do the discipline–that seems a grave exception and not the rule!

Post # 11
Member
1425 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@BothCoasts:  +1 about not all kids are terrors and parents being lazy.

All the weddings I’ve been to that had kids as guests were wonderful. They say at a children’s table at the reception and were often forgotten about because they were so well behaved! They had a hoot dancing and everyone was fine. I’m thinking the wedding you attended was an exception.

We’re just not inviting our one couple’s child because then it would just be her and FI’s three nephews and niece, which seems odd to us. FI’s nephews and neice are not social with kids they don’t know, so we’d fear the other girl would be left out. And it doesn’t pay to hire a babysitter for five kids!

Post # 12
Member
13010 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think picking and choosing kids looks bad, and you should either not have kids, or have kids, but not selectively invite.  It looks like favoritism, and if your family is anything like mine, it would cause lots of drama.

Post # 14
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

The best way to avoid issues is to make a “rule” and stick to it.  Immediate family only, kids in the wedding only, children of Bridal Party only, out of town kids only, kids over 15 only–if you invite the children of one cousin but not another, you’re setting yourself up for WWIII.  That’s basically saying “This cousin’s kids are ok but your kids are raging brats and I hate having them around.”

Offering a nanny service (you should have an RSVP option for this so that you can hire an appropriate amount of nannies for the amount of children) or excluding children with a set in stone rule (as a general rule, nursing infants are always an exception) are probably your best bets.  

I didn’t really want kids for the same reasons you did not but literally all of our family is oot and they are the ones with kids–I felt rude asking them to drive or fly all this way and leave their children–they probably would not be able to attend.  I’d rather those people with their children than for them to not attend at all.  

Post # 15
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Because our reception is being held in a private residence and we have space limitations, we need to keep our guest list count small so having everyone’s kids invited was not an option for us. Additionally, there will be a pool that will not be gated/fenced off. However, have informed our wedding party that their kids are invited to come (most of our bridal party is from out of town), but only 1 of the BMs is going to be bringing her kids. So I just decided to use her daughter as our flower girl.

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