(Closed) How close is too close?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Don’t worry about it…  if it were the day before, that would be one thing.  But a month?  You are just fine.  I am sure that they will not be hurt at all…  just excited for you.

Post # 4
8351 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

Your wedding is a surprise wedding and I am sure the same people won’t be at both. I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Have it when you want.

Post # 5
374 posts
Helper bee

Are we talking about one couple or several?  My sense was you were referring to one couple in particular.

I think you shouldn’t upstage your friend’s wedding if she is a near and dear and true friend.  If she is someone you think will fade away after your marriage because you are on different paths in life, or she is someone you haven’t known forever, then keep the date.

If you have already booked your date and it’s solid, then ‘it is, what it is’ and move on.

Let me always say that nothing is ever kept a secret.  Someone always spills the beans, or you will be seen doing something which gives it away.  When I was pregnant I didn’t want anyone to know and I bumped into a friend at the pharmacy while I was looking at prenatal vitamins.

Truthfully, I’m glad i’m not in your shoes.  It depends on the strength of the friendship.  The stronger and tighter it is, the more it can be torn apart as it will be seen as ‘deception’ and ‘one upmanship.’  Stupid as it sounds, that’s what will happen. 

You must have known this before you booked your engagement surprise wedding.  Was there a reason you wanted to get married in March?  Is there a significant reason?  Still and all, I am afraid, this is one where there is no wiggling out of the fact that ‘it is, what it is’.  You are having asurprise wedding before your friend’s.  Rationally it doens’t make sense.  But in the feeling world things will be said, like “that was my idea and she knew it.  Now she did it, and it will spoil it for my guests because it’s been done before.’  The brew will bubble until it boils and scalding water hurts. Best of luck, sincerely.  Let us know what you finally decide to do.

Post # 7
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Whoa, I think someone above would do a killer job telling ghost stories, ’cause I’m sure spooked. Sheesh!

@suprise84: I don’t think there’s much doom and gloom here. These are weddings we’re talking about — happy times — and true friends would be happy for you no matter when you chose to have your wedding. When the surprise occurs, it will be plain to see it was planned that way all along. You are doing your best to be respectful of this other couple and that is all anyone could ask of you. One month before is perfectly fine. Rejoice and congratulations to you.

Post # 8
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It’s 6 weeks before your friends wedding. Do it!

Post # 9
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

As long as its not within a week before i dont see why they would be offended. Like they say….you only get one day….

Post # 10
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think it really depends on the people.  Since yours is a surprise, there’s no way you can really anticipate how they will react.  If they are really close friends, I’d make an exception for them (with the surprise) and let them in on it, so you could get feedback.  

When I was still waiting I had 2 other friends who were also on the brink of engagement.  I talked to both of them about time table.  We didn’t want to overload our friends on wedding stuff and we didn’t want to plan the weddings too close together.  One friend didn’t care, as long as it wasn’t the same month (for honeymoon, last minute wedding type things).  The other clearly wanted a wedding season – and preferred there to be a 3 months span between the weddings.

All I can say is put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would feel if someone else had a surprise wedding 6 weeks before your own and go from there.

Post # 11
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t think it’s a big deal. My best friend is getting married 5 weeks before me (and she got engaged after me, and well after we’d already set our date). I don’t mind — I’m super excited! It’s far enough before mine that it’s not going to interfere with my bridal showers or bachelorette party, so why not. (And they’re not going on a honeymoon so we don’t even have that to contend with for scheduling either.) We only have one friend who is in both bridal parties, so while it’ll be pretty busy for her and both of us, we’re happy to do it.

If she thinks you are “stealing her thunder”… well, I don’t think we should all be allowed to get weeks and weeks of “thunder”, so to speak.

Post # 12
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Go for it! Weddings aren’t a competition between friends and family, any friend would be happy for you, and a surprise wedding would be such a happy occasion that they would have no reason to be mad. You picked plenty of time between the weddings, you aren’t doing it the same weekend or the week before.  I think its a cute idea to have a surprise wedding and I disagree that it would upstage a wedding that is a month later. 

Post # 13
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My wedding is six weeks before my best friend’s. She decided to have a two year engagement.  I got engaged six months after her, and I think we probably both knew I’d get actually married first, since I wanted to only have a year long engagement. Well, my family wouldn’t let me do only a year since it woudl have been winter, so I pushed for April, but my dream venue was booked, May was out due to bro graduating med school, so I had to go wtih early June, six weeks before her.

I didn’t think it was that big a deal, I didn’t plan it, it just kind fo worked out that way, I saw no reason I should wait till august or September (which woudl have been almost two years for me) just because she chose to have a long engagement. I think you hit a certian age where people start getting married and everything and as long as you leave some space you are okay. Six weeks is good for us, we have maybe 6 friends in common that are invited to both, ohterwise it’s entirely different guest lists.

She’s never expressed any indication that she was mad or anything that I decided to do mine a little bit earlier, she’s been totally supportive of everything. I don’t think I’d be mad if the situation was reversed, but I guess I can’t exactly offer an unbiased view on that lol.

Post # 14
39 posts
  • Wedding: August 2011

When someone gets married they get to have one day, not an entire week, not a month and not 6 weeks.

Go for it. 

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