Post # 46
sarandah : I agree that an engagement is a serious step and should be considered a commitment. But I’ve seen the “real” version of people brought out during engagement. People think they have their fiance nail down so they let their true, ugly personality reign. And that’s probably where the broken engagement occurs
Post # 47
I have an ex-fiance…it wasn’t ended by my own choice, though now I’m thankful every single day that I didn’t marry him. We’d been together 6 years and I was fairly young when we met (18), and I didn’t realize a lot of the things we had issues with were true incompatibilities because I’d gotten so used to them.
That said, he walked out a month before the wedding citing a list of random reasons, and it turned out he was leaving me for someone else. At the time, I took it plenty seriously and was all in. It’s definitely not something people always just do on a whim. For the record, having to call and cancel everything and tell both families because your ex just disappeared off the face of the earth and didn’t want to deal with it….REALLY not a fun way to spend your birthday. Haha.
Post # 48
- Wedding: August 2017 - Orange County, CA
I think this happens because engagement is a serious step (and also the stressful wedding palnning period) that causes a lot of issues to come to the surface. It’s supposed to be a hppy period, but often it ends up being this weird pressure/crucible that either makes couples stronger or causes them to realize they aren’t right for each other.
Anyway. better break it off before an expensive wedding than get divorced after!
Post # 49
i think its a little judgemental to criticize people who have broken off engagements and gotten back together, etc. to be honest.
I got engaged first when i was 24, had been dating the guy since i was 17. I simply just wasnt ready, i was just finishing up school and in a very odd place in life. I called it off after a month, we broke up didnt speak for a while, dated other people for a good year or two, then what do you know we got back together and he is my now husband with baby on the way.
people call off engagements for all sorts of reasons, whether it be age reasons, money issues, school, etc. Doesnt mean they cant work things out and get back together.
Post # 50
OP, you sound super judgmental to assume that anyone with a broken engagement doesn’t take committment seriously.
Post # 51
They’re fairly common, but most engagements do end in marriage (whether they should or not, but that’s another matter lol). In my social circle I have two friends and a brother who been previously engaged and a couple of coworkers.
I think it happens a lot more in situations where the couple isn’t fully on the same page about marriage or when one or both isn’t all in. So, when one partner isn’t ready but feels pressured into it, or there are cracks in the foundation that they hope engagement will solve, etc.
Of the two friends who were previously engaged (both before I met them), one was very young (like 19) when her ex proposed and she felt like she had to say yes because it was mean to say no; the other was in his mid 20s and felt like after 3 years he had to shit or get off the pot, despite the fact that they had long standing, major issues in their relationship (she was very controlling).
My brother wanted to marry the person his ex was when they began dating but she was emotionally abusive and her behaviour only got worse over time, so he finally accepted that was who she is and not who he wants to marry.
My coworker proposed because he thought it would fix their existing problems (she was very jealous and he was a bit too nmuch of a partier – not a good mix).
Post # 52
I only know of one couple who were engaged and then broke up. I was friends with her in elementary and didn’t talk to her when I saw that happened so I don’t know what ended up happening. I think it was something bad on his part because she would always post these gushing things about him being the love of her life and she can’t wait to be his wife etc. she’s happily with someone else now which I’m happy to see!
Post # 53
pearl311 : In my experience, the ones who gush the most publically tend to be the ones hiding less-than-fulfilling relationships. When you are happy and secure in your relationship, you don’t crave the external validation that comes from gushing on facebook or to all your coworkers all day.
Post # 54
sboom : i totally agree. That has been my experience as well, but still since I have no other information on what happened, I’m just gonna say it was something he did lol. Deleted his Facebook and everything.
Post # 55
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
sarandah, are you ever coming back to this thread? I feel like it got some really awesome convos started but you never answered the questions that folks had for you about your interest in the topic …
Post # 56
manylovesbee1 : She replied to me on another thread:
jellybellynelly : Well, yes, I do judge if someone breaks off an engagement UNLESS it’s broken off due to cheating/lying/abuse. I hate flip-flappy, wishy-washy behavior. Some people think that your fiancé has to be absolutely perfect and have no flaws and if you find ANY flaw, then break it off when you’re engaged, but try to work it out when you’re married. So basically, run away from people until you can’t.
In this day and age where people are living with each prior to marriage, and date for more than 1 year, and have plenty of dating experience, I have a hard time believing that every broken engagement was a good choice. I’m sure that many people with broken engagements aren’t breaking it off because the guy is an asshole, but because of stupid fights. There are other alternatives to breaking off an engagement. But no, people would rather dodge and run away from any challenges they may face.
It’s no wonder that a “long term marriage” is considered 7 years at least.
Post # 57
manylovesbee1 : I’ve read the responses, and I have seen a wide range on why engagements are broken off. Some are offended and angry, and some say to break off engagements if your fiancé isn’t perfect, but work it out once married, sometimes it’s due to abuse (which is completely understandable.) Some people completely put on a show until they think they’ve “caught” you, then their asshole behavior shows.
I think the issue is that people have taken one part of my post (“people don’t take commitment seriously enough”.) and run off with it. Most people in this day and age don’t choose to stay with assholes, so a broken engagement still makes me skeptical of that person’s commitment if it’s been talked about at length. Everyone tends to live together before marriage and date plenty of people before choosing to commit.
Post # 58
jellybellynelly : you took a jab at me at another thread saying that the OP shouldn’t put too much stock in what I had to say. That’s why I replied.
Post # 59
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
jellybellynelly : Oh yikes. That’s literally all I can say … yikes.
Post # 60
I called off an engagement. His true colors showed after the engagement, verbal abuse and controlling.