(Closed) How Compatible are You about Starting a Family?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: How Compatible are You about Starting a Family?
    To have kids/not : (136 votes)
    23 %
    When to TTC : (89 votes)
    15 %
    How many kids to have : (102 votes)
    17 %
    Time gap between kids : (70 votes)
    12 %
    Preferred gender(s) : (60 votes)
    10 %
    How to raise them : (93 votes)
    16 %
    Adoption : (34 votes)
    6 %
    None of the above : (4 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    512 posts
    Busy bee

    karen12 :  We are 39 and 51 and I agree! 

    Post # 47
    Member
    2109 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    We agree 100% on everything listed in your poll. We made sure to talk all those things through before we got engaged to make sure we would be compatible because kids are very important to both of us and we both had a very clear, fairly rigid idea of what we wanted regarding kids.

    Post # 48
    Member
    180 posts
    Blushing bee

    We both want kids. When I was dating that was a dealbreaker for me. I always wanted to be a mother. We haven’t really talked about when was the right tome to TCC. But we both agree we need to be in a better financial situation. He threw out the idea of waiting until he was an E-6, I laughed in his face. He’s an E-3 right now, that will take forever! And I want to be done with childbearing by the time I’m 30. I feel like in two years we’ll be in a better place. Together for three years, coming up on our first anniversary plus I’ll have my bachelors. 

    With number, we compromised. I wanted 2-5 with ideally 4-5. He wanted 2. I managed to talk him up to 3!laughing And I think thats a good number. My dear Fiance thought it was a good idea to space our children out like a decade apart. I have no idea why he thought that was a good idea or feasible. He’s an only child, so I’ll chalk that up to not knowing how siblings work. Lol. I have a 5 year gap with my sister (my bestie) and that’s the most I’ll want our children to be apart in age. Genderwise I’d prefer 2 girls and 1 boy. Little boys are scary,especially if they take after Fiance.  He has some weird, archaic vision of daughters being vurnable little flowers that he’ll have to protect from the world; so he prefer boys. I roll my eyes at that kind of thinking because I grew up with a strong single mom and helped with raising my sister. But at the end of the day we have no say in gender so it doesnt matter. 

    We don’t have any biggies on how to raise our children so that hasn’t been brough up. I like the idea of fostering when we get older and our kids are out the house. He doesn’t have an opinion on it because thats too far into the future.

     

    Post # 49
    Member
    3114 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

    We’ve been on the same page mostly but he isn’t sure about wanting a second child yet, where as I feel like I’m fairly sure I would want another and know when I would like to try. He’s more of a one thing at a time kind of guy though. 

    Post # 51
    Member
    2130 posts
    Buzzing bee

    nonablu :  How are you dealing with that? My guy wants kids but he’s not 100% firm, and I don’t want kids but I’m not 100% firm either. We talk about it regularly and we’re both at a point where we’re pretty comfortable with having just one.

    Post # 52
    Member
    2238 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    We both definitely want kids, and always have. We also both want 2-3 kids (we were both raised in families of 3 kids and felt like that was a “good” number). I think we agree on most things when it comes to raising kids, though we definitely have differences in what is “appropriate” for kids at different ages. He was raised in a much more “open” (not quite the right word) household than I was, but honestly, I think he was exposed to some things waaaaay too young. We’ll work out those kinks, I’m not worried. 

    In terms of TTC, I’d be happy to start now. He would rather wait probabaly 2.5 to 3 years. I know right now isn’t ideal for us, but we’re starting conversations about maybe starting a little sooner than he’d ideally want, too. Maybe a year from now or two years? We’ll see.

    Neither of us care too much about genders, though I think we’d both like 1 kid of our own gender. I was raised in a family of all girls, so I’m just not used to boys, whereas he was raised in a family of all boys, so he doesn’t understand little girls.

    It wasn’t included in your poll, but I think our biggest challenge will be navigating religion. Neither of us are super religious, but were both raised in different faiths (he’s Jewish, I’m Christian). I know it’s important to both of us to include our children in the faiths we grew up in, so working out the balance there will be something we’ll have to work through together.

    Post # 53
    Member
    9210 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    We agree on everything except for timing (he would’ve loved to TTC about a year ago, but I want to wait until next year) and number (he wanted 3, I wanted max 1, so we’ll go with 1).

    What’s funny is that as to gender, we’ve always referred to our future kid as a “she” and have her name picked. We’ll be just as happy with a boy, but it’ll be interesting to see whether we’ve been right or wrong this whole time!

    Post # 54
    Member
    19 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    The only real difference of opinion we have – which I don’t feel is major – is just that my fiance REALLY wants at least one our (hopefully) two to three children to be a girl. I’ve always been of the “as long as they’re healthy” mindset. But it’s a not a preference that bothers me…he’ll be an amazing dad no matter what happens 🙂

    We are very fortunate to pretty much agree on everything else touched on in the survey. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    3830 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    garnobella :  well, I think I pretty much sound like you. I don’t really want kids, but then again I am not certain that I won’t change my mind. It would be stupid to break up with him over it and then have it turn out that I actually wouldn’t have minded having them. As for him, he definitely wants them but knows how I feel and is willing to take the chance. Honestly, like you I will probably end up having them. It would make so many people happy, not just Fiance but parents etc. I know that’s not the reason I should have them, but the pressure is real, and also while I really don’t like kids I also don’t want to get old and regret not having adult children. So, who knows, this may or may not turn out to be a problem, but I won’t break up with the love of my life over an uncertainty. And if I do have them, I have a hard limit of 2! (1 is good too, but I would maybe like them to have a sibling). I just hope I miraculously gain some kind of maternal desire…

    Post # 56
    Member
    2130 posts
    Buzzing bee

    nonablu :  HA. We’re like twins. Basically the exact same situation. I think as long as both partners know how the other partner feels, and each partner is willing to make some sacrifices, it will work out. I made my limit 1 because my fiancé is an only child, and I have a brother. I absolutely hate my brother, he’s not part of my life anymore, and he really had a hugely negative impact on my childhood. I think we could give one child an amazing life, but I would be far too terrified to ever have a second because of my own experience. I do think that having a limit you’re both comfortable with and knowing that before getting married is good. 

    Post # 57
    Member
    3830 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    garnobella :  it’s kind of a comfort to know you’re out there too! I’m sorry you had a bad sibling experience 🙁 I have two siblings I love, but I also know many very happy only children.

    My Fiance also knows that if we had kids he would be expected to be am extremely hands on dad, no gender role duties here! 

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