how could he do this *trigger warning*

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 60
Member
7634 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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mrsaime :  That’s the whole point though – you shoud not have needed further clarification because all the information anyone with half a brain would have needed was in the first post. OP said no, her husband continued anyway. If that wasn’t enough info for you, then either you lack reading comprehension or you are not supportive of women who have been violated. For your sake I hope it’s the first.

Post # 61
Member
2857 posts
Sugar bee

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tiffanybruiser :  Me and about 10 others here must only have half a brain. 😂

Post # 62
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Rydges Hotel

I’m sorry to hear you are going through his bee. I think you need to have a quiet, serious conversation with your husband.

Tell him the complications of C-section has made it dangerous for you to get pregnant. Explain that THAT is why you feel unsafe (and rightly so) to do it without him having a condom. It might be possible that he didn’t connect that these two are connected. 

 

I hope things work out for you.

Post # 63
Member
7634 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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mrsaime :  Sadly so. Or the other option I mentioned.

Post # 64
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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incogcheeto :  have you always used condoms? Or was this different because of the fear of getting pregnant because of the csection?

Post # 67
Member
11434 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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incogcheeto :  Bee, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your husband does sound like he is really tuned in now to why what he did was wrong, and what the stakes were and are, and that is a good sign. 

Please know that you don’t need to do anything right now. You’ve been traumitzed and you’re a bit in shock. It’s okay to take some time for yourself. That doesn’t mean your marriage is in peril; it just means you are taking care of yourself. 

We are all imperfect, but some lines once crossed can’t be uncrossed. This is up to each of us as individuals, and is not something you can decide necessarily. Sometimes your feelings decide that a line was crossed and it’s too much for you to come back from. 

Other times you sort it out and your partner grows with you and you are able to feel whole again. It’s okay wherever you land, as long as you are taking care of yourself and not pushing your own feelings down. 

Post # 68
Member
5803 posts
Bee Keeper

To those saying her husband ‘just wanted to enjoy his wife a little longer’ (as if she should be flattered he’s so into her undecided )  ……several other Bees have already covered the ‘she said no’ aspect, which is enough right there, but let me share a personal story here. 

My husband and I were having sex several months ago and all of a sudden I didn’t feel right….hard to explain, it wasn’t painful but it was like a giant air bubble in my chest and I felt very strange and about to pass out. I managed to say ‘stop’-  that was it, one word and not even very forcefully or loudly, because I felt weird and numb and tingly and scared AF and it was all I could manage. My husband stopped immediately and asked me what was wrong and he saw I didn’t look right and he got scared and was asking what was wrong and did I need to go to the hospital. Long story short, we did, I was having heart arrhythmias, v-fib….yada yada yada on medication and low dose aspirin now and seeing a cardiologist. But the point is- I needed him to stop immediately, not ‘enjoy me a little longer’ ffs. There are so many possible reasons someone may need to ask their partner to stop- and this should always, ALWAYS be respected, regardless of why. 

Post # 70
Member
11434 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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RobbieAndJuliahaha :  omg I just read your post. So glad you are okay!

Yes, that’s exactly what our partners are supposed to do. we are not inanimate objects ffs. 

Post # 71
Member
5803 posts
Bee Keeper

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mrsaime :  I find it quite ironic that you feel ‘attacked’ by posters responding to you on a message board yet trivialize and diminish OP’s much more serious experience. 

Post # 73
Member
961 posts
Busy bee

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incogcheeto :  I’m really glad that you were able to sit down and talk this through with your husband.  Hopefully, with his deeper understanding he recognizes that this wasn’t something to dismiss, or an insignificant set of emotions that you felt. It is OK for you to take your time getting comfortable with the situation again, and it is encouraging that he listened to you and your feelings.  This should be the standard of his behavior. You were not wrong in your feelings.

I have not been there personally, but I have two very close friends who experienced tramautic births. Getting back to a place of physical intimacy with their husbands was difficult with one of them, both because of the pain and because of some of the feelings of fear about her health.  If you ever feel like you are uncomfortable with finding the balance between what type of intimacy you are ready for and your husband expressing his “needs”, I bet you can open a thread here or another Bee can refer you to a website where other wives are working through similar things and have advice about how to handle this with your partner.  

Let us know how you are doing after a few days, and if you think you need help either talking to him in a therapeutic setting or exploring your feelings after your traumatic birth experience, don’t let anyone discourage you from finding someone to talk to.

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