(Closed) How di I make him understand without sounding needy or demanding…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think I know the reasons why he is like that now (got really badly burned by the last girl he was with. He worked so hard to make it work and only got indifference from her), but I dont want to suffer for her mistakes… I really believe he has it in him but he just needs a reminder that it does make a difference.

This. Stay calm with him,even plan out what you want to say beforehand if you have to! Try not to be accusing, and just ask if there is something he wants to talk about with you,there may be underlying issues regarding his ex.Be honest, calm and do listen to what he says and try to understand what he says. Best of luck!

Post # 5
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think you should figure out the root of your desires.  It’s easy to get bogged down by the “I wish you’d brought me a present” but I don’t think that will fix anything.  Are you upset because you feel like he doesn’t think about you while he’s on tour?  Do you think he’s less attracted to you because you don’t have sex as often? Do you just need more communication to feel needed? 

 

Post # 6
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Ahh I went to edit one thing, and it ate my post >:(

 

I pretty much said, let him do the initiating, and see where it goes from there.

 

Post # 7
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

I know you want to get this out and discussed and over with soon, but as I was reading your examples I kept thinking: Love languages! Love languages! Love languages!

It’s not about being romantic, it’s about making sure you two understand how each other perceives love and affection. If no one has suggested it to you yet, look for a book called the Five Love Languages (Chapman, I think, is the author). If you can explain in a very simple way that your love languages are x and y but he is showing you love by methods a and b (probably his perferred methods–we all default to our own), you’ll be able to see where the disconnect is and be able to communicate without getting over-emotional. 

Post # 8
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@GoldfishPie: I respectfully disagree. While I think there is a place for “giving someone space” in a relationship, I don’t think manipulating him by pulling back and ignoring the problem is a mature solution. 

I’m one for frank and honest discussion.  OP, perhaps he does need space, but I think the two of you should be able to discuss his need for space like adults.  Would you feel fulfilled if you just Skyped on a certain day once a week and then he got to do his own thing otherwise?  

As a student, my relationships have usually had LDR components to them.  I had a previous boyfriend who needed more space than I did when we lived away from one another– the result was that I always felt “needy” and he never felt like he had a chance to actually miss me.  We weren’t compatible in more ways than one, but I hated feeling like I had to force myself not to talk to him when I wanted attention or care.  Luckily, my current SO and I are on the same page in how often we talk, even though we’re even further apart for most of the year.

Post # 9
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It sort of sounds like he is pulling away a little bit.

What do you really want from him? Do you want him to bring you presents? Or is this more about the big picture and you feeling as though he doesn’t think about you as much as you think about him? As far as the sex stuff goes, you need to communicate what your needs are!

Let him know that what happened in his last relationship is not your fault and you dont’ want him to fear being burned like he was last time. Just tell him how you feel – you can do it in a mature way. Don’t whine or cry, that can sometimes come off as needy. Just be honest!

Post # 10
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@bookworm88: I do agree that there is room for “sapce,” but at the moment he doesn’t even see there is a problem.  Of course you two need to talk about your issues, but it is difficult to tip toe around the problem when it is “I feel like you don’t think of me.”

I understand how it feels to not want to be needy, but to require more care and attention.  It’s almost impossible to convey that to him without seeming needy and desperate.  I also agree with @soyjoy222: I think he may be pulling back a little bit.  Especially where sex is concerned, if he’s not having sex with you but then looking at porn, I would want an explanation very quickly.

Post # 12
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@GoldfishPie: I totally agree with you on the sex part – not having sex with OP, but looking at porn, that would really make me upset.

 

@maudemaisha: I think once you figure out what the root of the problem is for your, then you will know what to say and how to address this.

Post # 15
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It seems like he’s pretty oblivious to how he’s acting and how it’s making you feel. I would start by saying that you want to hear how he feels about what you’re going to say, so that he doesn’t feel like he has to be defensive or like you’re attacking him.

Let him know that you understand he’s not the typical romantic type, and you’re fine with that, but that you would really like it if he did a little something here and there to show you that he’s thinking about you, especially since he’s been away for so long. Maybe say something like, “I really wish I could be with you while you’re on tour, and I feel very separated from the experience you’re having… I’d really love if you could send me pictures of the places you visit while you’re there, ect…”

I agree with you on the porn thing. I don’t care if Fiance watches it, as long as he and I have a healthy sex life together. Let him know that’s how you feel, and then explain that you saw he had been watching porn when you got onto the computer and that it made you feel like maybe something was wrong, since you guys hadn’t been doing much in that realm. 

I think both of those approaches would leave room for him to express how he feels or explain any of the points you bring up, and he won’t feel like you’re raging at him or making crazy accusations. I hope this helps! Good luck. 

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