(Closed) How did we skip this convo? / Living together before marriage (long, sorry)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Did you move in together before an engagement/marriage?

    Yes, and I'm glad we did.

    Yes, but I regret doing so.

    No, and I'm glad we didn't.

    No, but I wish we had.

    Obligatory other?

  • Post # 32
    Member
    265 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    We bought a house, and Fiance is going to live there until we are married. Sounds silly, that I am helping paying for the house/bills and not living there yet, but we (I) are very traditional and so is my family. We have been together for 8 years, so we know it is going to work. After 8 years – you make it work! Just because he doesn’t put the toilet seat down isn’t going to break us 🙂

     

    Post # 33
    Member
    853 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    We moved in after the honeymoon, and I wouldn’t have done it any other way! For us, it was perfect. We were both on the same page that we didn’t want to live together until marriage. We’ve watched too many friends move in and out of places on any little whim with someone they just met. We wanted it to be special, like a perk of marriage rather than a trial run. But I know many people don’t see it this way and have to have that trial period.

    Post # 34
    Member
    1460 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    @solidarity:  +1,000,000

    For me, living alone was the time I really got to know myself, truly formative. I can’t imagine jumping from my parents home/dorm/etc to living with an SO.

    Post # 35
    Member
    9681 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @Dogsbody92:  You test drive a car before you buy it right? I would never marry someone I didn’t live with first. I hate the logic of it’s “harder to get out of” because a marriage is not a prison that someone should feel trapped in. If it comes to it and I want to leave, I will. It doesn’t matter where I live or how many kids I have – if it’s what needs to be done, it will be. There is no way to guarantee a marriage, but I think it is nice to get over the first time living together stress before the newly married stress comes into play.

    Post # 36
    Member
    11231 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I would never marry someone that I’d never lived with. We moved in after 2 years together, and have lived together for 3 years. We already went through that whole “let’s figure out bills and chores and stuff” thing, so now all we have to do is enjoy being married.

    Post # 37
    Member
    2564 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    View original reply
    @vorpalette:  Exactly – we will have been co-habitaing for 2 years when we are married so by now we’ve already learned each other’s bad habits, figured out bills, etc.  I wanted to live with him first – seemed logical to me, to know what I was getting into!

    Post # 38
    Member
    4494 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I would never, under any circumstances marry someone that I didn’t live with beforehand. No, no, no. It doesn’t make anything harder to get out of – and honestly thats really bizarre reasoning :-/ I don’t want someone staying with me because its too difficult to leave.

    You learn so much about a person when you live with them. Relationships change and the dynamics are different. I would not want to be dealing with those changes directly after getting married.

    Post # 39
    Member
    381 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I have a six year old (five when we moved in together) from a previous relationship.  My son only has memories of living alone with me, and I have lived alone for seven years prior to moving in with my now Fiancee.  That adjustment was as smooth as it could have been, but was a nightmare for me.  I had to tend to not only my feelings and my fiancees feelings but also my son’s feelings (and my son doesn’t do well with adjustments!).  There were times when I thought “what have I done”.  I wouldn’t want to go through that right after we got married!

    Post # 40
    Member
    501 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    View original reply
    @Treeline:  If I’m being totally honest, that was basically my stance…I mean, we started to plan on consolidating our households, b/c paying two mortgages in this area was insane, but part of me really wanted to be ‘officially’ intent on marriage before I gave up my place.  In one of my many minor meltdowns/debates with myself out loud on the topic, Fiance finally broke down and said, “I WANT TO MARRY YOU!  I just want to live together first to know for sure what I’m getting into.”  Honestly, just hearing him say that made me feel tons better (and of course, it ended up being something of a ruse as he proposed a month later and it was three months after THAT that I moved).

    View original reply
    @Dogsbody92: While everyone’s individual mileage may vary, my FI’s biggest concern about moving in together was that he wouldn’t get enough down-/alone-time to recharge (he’s an introvert and needs a few hours after work or social engagements to read or play video games and “unclench”).  To accomodate this, we both have our ‘own’ rooms (his is the office, mine is the spare bedroom) where we can retreat to be left alone; on the flip side, my one request was that he pause his game to come say ‘hello’ when I come home.  I think setting these expectations up front really helped us make a smooth transition into living together.

     

     

    BUt…if I’m being even MORE honest, it was in a large part b/c of my dog – if I had moved to then-SO’s house, found tenants for my place, and then we didn’t work out, it would’ve been REALLY hard for me to find a third place to live with my pit bull!

     

    Post # 41
    Member
    143 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    My Hubby and I never moved in before marriage. The week of the wedding, we moved our stuff in together.

    It was a strong personal belief for me, and I just feel that “giving away the milk before buying the cow” (doing all those type of “wifely duties) wasn’t for me.

    Dont get me wrong, Hubby and I were together pretty much every weekend (we lived about 30 miles from each other in LA traffic, which is an eternity driving), so we got to know each other’s habits pretty good.

    But there are 2 things I always tell my friends when we talk about this issue…

    1. If someone’s living habits make you want to divorce them (i.e., them being messy, not cleaning up, not a morning person, etc.), then maybe you weren’t as in love with them as you think you are. I am a total neat freak, and hubby is a clutter freak! But no matter HOW cluttered or HOW I get annoyed of this, I can never see that being a reason to not be with him. Other topics, such as child-rearing, adultery, etc would make me more leary than someone’s living habits.

    2. No matter HOW LONG YOU LIVE WITH SOMEONE, YOU WILL NEVER KNOW THEM 100%… unless you’ve been with them for 20+ years, and even then, they may surprise you. 

     

    Post # 42
    Member
    9806 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I moved in with him only about 3.5 months after we met.  It’s probably the reason we got engaged so quickly (7 months later) because it worked out so well.  I had lived with roommates for years so I was used to living with others.

    I imagine if I hadn’t moved in our relationship would have progressed slower.  FWIW he was the first SO I ever even considered moving in with.

    So I’m very happy we moved in before we got engaged.  We’ve been living together about a year and 8 months.

    Post # 43
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    View original reply
    @evrnenpaul:  I think a lot of the people who have the “test run” mentality are just thinking about it all wrong. It doesn’t matter how compatible or incompatible two people are after a certain point – the most important part of whether or not you’ll stick together is whether you’re committed to each other. A lot of people go, “oh, great, it’s easy to live with you, we’ll get married!” only to have it fall apart when life gets tougher – they have kids, they become more incompatible just due to personal growth, etc.

    Post # 44
    Member
    6114 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @Dogsbody92:  We lived together after he proposed.

     

    However, I think I could have also lived with him after the wedding just fine. 

     

    I felt I had enough “data” to know who he was and vice versa.

    Post # 45
    Member
    149 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    View original reply
    @distracts:  Ditto. I completely agree.  When my single friends ask me for advice, I always ask them the same question. Do you and he want the same thing, at the same time?  Usually the response is some version of yeah, he wants to move in and THEN we’ll think about marriage.  And I say but if you want to commit to getting engaged with a wedding date NOW and then move in and he wants just the opposite, then guess what?  You don’t want the same thing at the same time.  And ironically, if one or both people would be unhappy or compromising their principles to make the other happy then to me that is the very definition of incompatible.  People think incompatibility is purely about personality, values, education, finances, etc.  But the truth is if you’re not on the same page in your lives and expecting the same things from the relationship then you are incompatible at that moment in time. 

    Post # 46
    Member
    9082 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I moved in with my husband before we got married. We had been dating three months when I moved in, he proposed at roughly eight months, and we were married a month later. I could have cared less about a marriage, I just wanted to be with him. I was committed 110% to him and him to me. The military makes marriage look pretty darn good if you ask us, too.

    Living with him was exceptionally important to both of us. We needed to see if we could endure each other’s quirks, survive deployments and other issues the Navy threw at us, and that would’ve been possible if I was 1,200 miles across the country.

    The topic ‘How did we skip this convo? / Living together before marriage (long, sorry)’ is closed to new replies.

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